I wrote this from one of my character's point of view and I liked it.
But I feel like something's not quite right....
Any and all opinions are welcome!
********************************
Come, shadowed dreams
Lock away my sanity
Descend, darkening breath
Fill me ‘til there’s nothing left.
Whispers echo in my ears
Drifting in to confirm my fears.
Footsteps gather outside the walls
I can’t escape…death (my darling!) calls.
I crave the numbing fire
Consuming me; reaching higher and higher.
I revel in the screaming silence
Sobering me; the peaceful violence.
A curse is forming on my lips,
As my fragile life easily rips,
Away, up into the sky,
And I, the condemned witch, finally fly.
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Canary word: Present
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It was pretty good, sounds like a real witch could say in a ritual or something.
As already has been said, the first 2 lines should rhyme, 'cause all the others do too.
Also some of the lines don't really "flow", mainly the last 2.
Some lines were really good, while others are a bit less.
For the rest I don't really have a lot to say. :] It describes pretty well how a witch thinks about life and death.
This is a great poem! the only critique i can give you is:
"Come, shadowed dreams
Lock away my sanity"
Those are the first two lines, and they should rhyme like all the others..
other then that, i thought it was great! i loved how you described death as her friend
Hiya! There was a lot that I liked about this poem. I don't actually feel like it needs more narrative elements (perhaps it should be in 'Other Poetry'?) because to me these are like her last words, her final thoughts and feelings.
For that reason, I can't really point out anything that's missing, however I can suggest where rhythm and rhyme could be improved, where I think certain punctuation should go, or where areas need reworded slightly.
Interrupting the quotation to say 'No!' to 'confirm'. Not a good word here! I can suggest 'Drifting in to feed my fears'. This would mean choosing to insert near-clichéd phrases, but the sound of the poem would be fantastic. The same goes for here:
We might have heard 'Footsteps fall' before, but listen to this:
Whispers echo in my ears,
Drifting in to feed my fears.
Footsteps fall outside the walls;
I can't escape... my darling calls.
You have lots of alliteration and you get internal rhyme. But I love alliteration so not everyone would agree with that suggestion!
I reckon these are the two lines that need rewritten. The rhythm is thrown off in the second line.
Great contrasts.
I don't like 'easily rips', but I can't think of any suggestions at the moment. The third line is too short; the last line is a bit too long. I was going to suggest cutting 'witch', but how about 'And'?
Those are all the ideas I have. I really like this already!
Come, shadowed dreams
Lock away my sanity
Descend, darkening breath
Fill me ‘til there’s nothing left.
<'.' after sanity>
Whispers echo in my ears
Drifting in to confirm my fears.
Footsteps gather outside the walls
I can’t escape…death (my darling!) calls.
<Lowercase 'd' in drifting>
I crave the numbing fire
Consuming me; reaching higher and higher.
I revel in the screaming silence
Sobering me; the peaceful violence.
<Lowercase 'c' in consuming; Lowercase 's' in sobering>
A curse is forming on my lips,
As my fragile life easily rips,
Away, up into the sky,
And I, the condemned witch, finally fly.
<Lowercase 'a' in as, away, and and>
Interesting poem, however, I'm not sure if it's a well versed poem. I feel like you should either set up the scene for us or include a more narrative description within' the poem.
Edit! Edit! Edit! It has potential.
Adrian
This piece of poetry was really well constructed. I liked how you used your character's viewpoint(s) to channel the, english language in your favour. That last bit sounds unusual but I thought it was exactly what you did! Overall you said something felt, missing and I think i may have found it. As brilliant as it is being "short and sweet", the introduction could be stronger, not just the wording but the setting or background of this poem could be expressed more. But regardless, keep up the fantastic work!
Sincerely
-Elitehusky