Young Writers Society

This had been in my 'To Critique' box for awhile. Sorry it took me so long to post this.




WHAT I MEAN BY DISSERVICE

In S1 & S4, the rhyme is actually turning your poem into one giant camp fest. And, not in the good way. S2 is also well on it's way to becoming superfluous and irreverent in this poem. I believe you can make this exceedingly better if you cut it down. You have some excellent bits that I'd love to see at the center of the poem, rather than being outshined by the campy stuff.

Hope this helps.

Ta,
Cal.

this is a very solid piece of work. normally i'm not a huge fan of rhyming poetry, but this overcame that ridiculous obstacle easily enough. i'd change a few phrases, mainly "Doomed they all". but i really think that this poem achieved it's purpose, and expressed its message clearly and strongly, which should be the goal for all poetry, i think... regardless, you have me impressed, which may or may not mean anything. i'd like to think it does, but that's up to you to decide.

listeningforthemuse wrote:I need help with some of the wording
A bit of polishing, too
Thanks!


The Ballad of the Trees

Swaying in the breeze
How graceful are the trees
Numerous, their years
Of watching hopes and fears

Storms have come, storms have gone
Unwavered, they whip to and from
Every gale, every mist
Dwelt with in silent thoughtfulness or
[u]mist of thoughtfullness

The whir of cars
Seem so far
Secure they feel
Until those wheels
Come churning in the mud

Down they fall
Doomed they all
Helpless, the trees cry
And lay they there to die

Dry thirst in the rain
O, such bittersweet pain
Their soundless voices moan
While their dead leaves are blown
Off to whirl in the wind

Then they are gone
Sad the bird's song
Hopeless; they fly
Filling the sky
In solitude they tell
Of how the trees were felled
And the earth left lonely to mourn

I enjoyed the rhyme scheme very much, and i liked that the descriptive language you used wasn't arcane like a lot of poetry tends to be these days...nice job

Really nice!
just a few lines I thought could maybe be improved though on the whole you used the structure well. the rhymes weren't obstructing which is very promising!

Here are the few lines I wasn't sure about.

Dwelt with in silent thoughtfulness

Doomed they all

And lay they there to die

Of how the trees were felled

Don't change anything in this. Everything fits perfectly.

At first I didn't like the line "churning in the mud" because it didn't really seem to go with the flow of the rest of the poem, but the more I thought about it, the more I liked it.

Like there's some symbolism there, the cars aren't supposed to be there in real life. So when in the poem it says that it makes the cars sound....dirty? Not really sure of a good word to describe it, but I think you get my drift.

Good job though, a lot of writing doesn't focus on nature as much as it should. And if people read something written as well as this, they might think twice before chopping down the next tree.

awww, i always loved this!

I agree with the first after-post. The old wording gives more of a Tolkien-esk feel to the lyrycism as the lines progressed. The rarity increased in a dramatic turn due to such a thought, and that positioned the poem in a well-mannered style.

This poem had some beautiful imagery (personification). It really brought the poem to life. Your poem had a good rhyme scheme and nice rhythm. The lines were laid out smoothly and the stanza breaks in all the right places.
Although I like the basics off the poem you appeared to lack punctuation and this threw off the rhythm a bit. They just didn’t seem to make sense the way they flowed directly into each other. Some punctuation marks might help to separate the different lines. Now I’m not big on punctuation so I might be off on certain parts. This is just my opinion. What is in red is what I’ve changed.
How graceful are the trees?
Of watching hopes and fears.
Unwavered, they whip to and fro.
Dwelt in silent thoughtfulness.
Seem so far.
Come churning in the mud.
Doomed they (are) all (or something like that)
And lay they there to die.
Dry thirst in the rain. (What is this supposed to mean)
Off to whirl in the wind.
Making sad the bird’s song. (Something along those lines)
Filling the sky.
And the earth left lonely to mourn.
These are just random lines that seem to be missing some punctuation. You can change what I have but it sounds off how it is now.
Hope this is helpful and that it makes your poem better. I’m not much off a poet and I’m not sure about all the rules off poetry so I might be off about some things, but like I said, hope this helps.
Good luck with your writing.

I liked it, I love little short-nothings, I write them a lot too.

I can tell it needs work.

I didn't exactly get a good grasp on the meaning but it was really poetic.

Down they fall

Doomed they all

The whir of cars

Seem so far

Secure they feel

Until those wheels

Come churning in the mud

Then they are gone

Sad the bird's song

Hopeless; they fly

Filling the sky

In solitude they tell

Of how the trees were felled

And the earth left lonely to mourn

First of all, I'd like to say that this was very beautiful and poetic, and I liked the use of old style words, to give it a more rare feel. It is not often that we are able to read something like this.

As to your sentence "Dwelt with in silent thoughtfulness" I don't think dwelt would be the wording I would have chosen, but perhaps the verb to dwell is a good choice, since the trees have no choice but to be with the mist. Maybe using more objects such as "They the" etc. would help the body of it.

Lovely poem.