The wind whispers my name in the night.
I feel its gentle breath upon my skin,
as it glides o'er the floor, creeping in,
'Come, come' it murmurs in my ear,
Its airy words - too quickly - disappear.
My weightless limbs are not my own,
As, dreamlike, I am lead into the unknown.
The silver light spills from the moon,
I try to turn, but am held by the tune.
Of the wind in the trees,
singing softly to me.
'Follow, follow' it continues to sigh,
The stars watch as I chase the wind's echoing cry.
Over the mountain, past lonely hills,
I continue in vain, and emptiness fills.
Too lost to return, too close to give up,
and my foolishness; I know I can never live up,
Into the forest, away from the truth,
but in those few moments, away slips my youth.
Always going farther, but yet I'm never there,
and as the morning comes, my footprints disappear.
*************
This poem is a metaphor
Does anyone see it?
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140,238 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Really nice. I seriously enjoyed the feel of the poem. Your use of metaphor in both the grand narrative and individual lines was well thought out and in general it seemed like you took a lot of consideration into what you were writing. I liked your attempt at a Shakespearean language usage with "o'er", because I dig Shakespeare and that style. On the topic of style, I might suggest that you vary the rhythm of the poem so that it becomes less monotone. Not to say that your poem was boring, but that it only had rhyming couplets which make the poem flow too quickly. the feel is very dreamlike and you need to slow the flow down so that you enhance the feel. Other than that I really enjoyed it and I'm going to check out your other stuff as well.
I have an idea of the metaphor. I've thought it over and I think, is it someone getting older and older as they live then finally death calls them and they die? Or something? Yeah, I have no clue but the poem itself was brilliant nonetheless. Meep! I really liked it, and I'd really like to know what the metaphor was. I suck at poetic metaphors. Seriously. Anyway, keep writing!
Got YWS?
Great work o.0
I'm stunned, to be honest.
The visuals and emotional workings of this poem are very deep and complex, I loved it.
The only real problem I have with it is that I wish it could have kept going, I felt that a bit of an extension would have added alot more to the peice.
I still love it, definately a star work.
Sorry it took so long for me to review something of yours X3.
I expect alot more from you lady!!!
Exe's and Oh's, Eraqio.
great poem.. I did get the metaphor. I loved it all the way through except the very last line. disappear doesn't seem strong enough, and it also breaks your rhythm. maybe try "my footprints were not there?" that is just my opinion
great stuff!!
beautimus, dahling!
Wow
Thanks for the great feedback everybody!
Tusker93 was right; its a poem about how we spend our lives chasing meaningless things,
and before we know it, its too late.
And, as Tusker93 said,
"...if you don't catch your dream your footprints are just covered up by time and it was as if you never existed to the rest of the world."
As for everyone else, thanks for taking a stab at it - if you did - and I really appreciate the awesome reviews!
I really, really liked this poem it's one of the best I've ever read! It all flowed and rhymed nicely and the words really kindled some nice imagery - favourite line "The silver light spills from the moon," Really liked that good choice of words.
Is the metaphor for someone chasing their dreams and 'losing their youth' before they can find it and the way the footprints 'dissapear' signifies how if you don't catch your dream your footprints are just covered up by time and it was as if you never existed to the rest of the world? We think that wind is impossible to catch which is why we've never chased it, but by the time we do it's too late. Am I right?That's what it made me think of...
If I'm wrong it'll be embarassing but hey at least I guessed right
Really good, submit this to a competition or something I'd be surprised if you didn't win something!
My word, this....this is some poem. It's the best ever poem I've read. I'm sorry to have not understood the metaphor, but the phrases, oh, the words, so possesive, so divine, so, beautiful. I was reminded of the elves in the Lord of the Rings when I read this. I don't know why but it did. It was sooooo beautiful.
I really like this part of the poem. I can imagine a person floating through a silver lighted forest, unaware of her surroundings. Great work.
I think it should be 'throught my foolishness' But it can be done otherwise also.
I think I said, I really like this poem. It's words and feelings were greatly writen. Very well done.
And good luck.
Beautiful poem! I'm not sure about a metaphor, but does it mean that if you spend your whole life chasing something it may all be in vain? If so I could bring up just as many poems that say chasing your dreams is the best thing you can do.
It's amazing how well your rhymes flow. It can be so hard to get rhymes to sound... real. Not like you picked any word that rhymed with it and shoved it in like a puzzle piece you want to fit. These rhymes actually sound like they flow, which is a rare gift.
Uh oh! Repetitive words! Dun dun dun!!! Try not to repeat words, no matter what. Don't ask me what else will rhyme and flow (I'm no poet), but there has to be something else. Repetition isn't great, unless you mean it to, like repeating a line at the beginning of each stanza because it's the topic of your poem. Unfortunately this isn't one of those cases.
Nonetheless, probably the best poem I've read today!
wow i really liked it =]
sorry im not all that great at advice when it comes to poetry, but i enjoyed it. It didn't seem to really ever go off beat and it rhymed really well.
Great job!
i really like it...it was alot of fun to read because the imagery was so vivid, you did a really nice job on your descriptions. i'm sorry I can't really take a guess at what it represents as a metaphor...i kind of suck at that type of stuff. Maybe you'd like to explain it to a genius like me?
just kidding, you don't need to explain. other people probably get it, and its just me with the issue.
Anyways, i don't have many complaints, only one really. and this might also be just becuase im not very smart at times, but i don't really know. This line:
"...and my foolishness; I know I can never live up,"
yea, i guess i just absolutely didn't get this part. I dont know what tou can't live up to, and i don't know what you're foolishness has to do with anything.
but don't worry, that could just be me, and besides that i really really liked this poem, and it was a blast to read. thanks, and i hope to see more of your stuff around.
Its really good, and totally catches my interest in liek the first line =]
Is it about dreaming by anychance because thts the way i interperet it?
Not gunna comment on punctuation etc cos at the endof the day i think it talent tht counts and youv'e certainly got tht =]
xxx
still no reviews
*sigh*