Symptoms:
Sense of ‘never fitting in’, an alienation from society
Reluctance to talk of romantic partners or history of relationships; being single for a long time; having never been in a relationship
Being in a relationship but seeming unhappy or disinterested in it
Alienation from others of the same sex
Stronger sense of alienation from the opposite sex
Intense need for secrecy; even to the point of paranoia
Inability to form close friendships because of these symptoms
Conflicted or distant relationship from parents or close family
Conflicted relationship with religion; agnosticism; existential dread; sudden inexplicable abandonment of faith
Apparently inexplicable admiration for individual that is often mistaken for desire for friendship or for a role model
Revulsion of romance and possibly convention in general, especially in regard for gender that is often mistaken for disinterest
Absolute denial if any of these symptoms are brought into question
…
We’re desperate for them. All of us. If you look closely you can see the fibres of the paper, or the red blue and green lights, the static on the screen, but we stay back so it’s all real to us. Until it isn’t.
We find the ones. Before we know why. It rarely ever differs. Always the bridesmaid. Always in pain. It’s never you- it’s always the other people. What do you do when nothing is like you? Nothing at all. It’s getting stuffy. It’s lonely. Boring. That’s it, isn’t it? We’re bored.
I was told to expect agony, like every cell in your body burning up at once. Imminent death. But it wasn’t like that. It was just: Ok, okay.
Oh. Of course.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,753 Reviews
Nice. It is a bit short, for my taste, but I like it. It is very dry, I have to tell you that. It isn't dry in the fact that it lacks emotion or anything like that...it is drier in the sense that it misses something, y' know? It lacks a certain...je ne sais quoi that makes a text feel real. It doesn't feel like this could have been written by a real human being, or at least one that was just expressing how they are feeling about a certain situation. It doesn't mean it is a bad text - I liked it. But it just felt so artificial. The first part most of all - the second part was a bit better, even if I (personally) have difficulty imagining a person who would be so bored with life that he would just kill himself to see what if felt like. But that's just me, I guess. I also had some problems with the way you referenced stuff - who are "the ones" you refer to? Other humans? The symptoms your unknown main character has? That wasn't very clear to me. I also didn't understand why you said: "always the bridesmaid." Do you mean like always the person who got left behind, a person who always helps the person who is becoming happy at one particular moment or a person who is a bit desperately trying to find someone special in their lives, to the point of believing that catching a bouquet might help out that person? The title was also a tad weird - why the static on the screen? It was nice and it seemed interesting, but I didn't understand why exactly you used that one. You mean like that the person who is talking is like static on the screen of existence or that others are just static to him or...? All in all - not bad for a first try, although I would certainly make it longer and not as abrupt. Maybe also go a bit deeper into the characters motivations - set up the text, set up why he or she is thinking this way.
Thank you for the review! I think you're right about it sounding a little artificial, that's something I'll have to take into account if I come back to this. I think it could be with being less abrupt too- it is too short as it is, though I'd probably benefit thinking of it as a poem. 'Always the bridesmaid' to me meant feeling like a supporting character, not being the 'bride' or the protagonist of your own life. And the title was only from a line from the work itself, as well getting lost in stories, such as tv shows, to have something to relate to. I didn't think of suicide at all while writing this, but rather coming to terms with being gay- the 'symptoms' being the problems of being LGBT and closeted- but your interpretation matters as much and I personally really like it. I hope I cleared up some questions, thanks again for the review!
I like where this is going. you can really feel the pain and emotion in each sentence. Its very Sherlock holmes, with the whole "we're bored" philosophy and I think this really goes into the numbness and the shock one feels after they dig their own grave basically. because that's what happens when you push someone away, and the foulness you feel for people who are happy. it really lets you see perspective. anyways, I really liked it.
Thank you!