Young Writers Society

Thanks for sharing this very dramatic monologue of a hypothetical dead person speaking to his murderer. I like how the speaker delves into the murderer's personality and inner conflicts which torment him. It reveals that the murderer was no total stranger but perhaps an intimate acquaintance or even a family member such as a brother. Also how the contributing factor of a drunken frenzy is skillfully included as an explanation for the tragedy. It reminded me of how Alexander the Great killed his friend under intoxication.

That such behavior was not typical of the murderer is indicated by his being described as being as peaceful as the speaker had once been.

Heartless. Incapable of emotion. You function on routine.

None of that’s true. That’s the tragedy, isn’t it?

Also he is described as feeling remorse ad in some kind of denial as he struggles with his conscience.

The speaker's constant warnings and promises of revenge via haunting convey a non-Christian personality. One wonders if he is indeed in God's favor.


suggestions


Thanks for sharing this very dramatic soliloquy of a hypothetically dead person confronting his murderer with questions and accusations.

It reminded me of the biblical account of David’s murdering of Urriah Bathsheba’s husband and what Uzziah would say to king David if he could.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uriah_the_Hittite

The trick in this type of fictional composition is to make the speaker sound authentic. We don’t want the reader to say Heck! I would never say that if I were murdered and had a xchance to talk to the SOB who killed me!” So we have to be exceedingly careful in how we portray the murdered person speaking. Now, not all murdered persons would speak the same way. Some who are genuine Christians would see the murderer as a victim of his own sinful nature and feel pity for him. Perhaps calmly offer him advice. Another would feel a need for revenge.

The one you are describing seems to fall into this category because he is recriminating, threatening and gloarting. In fact, it is via his accusations that we get a subjective glimpse into the murderer’s personallity. Now, I say subjective because it is the murdered person’s opinion.

He seems reluctant to reveal the reason for his being murdered. One would expect a recrimination of some kind when the person is innocent of all provocation. Would Uzziah leave out King David’s dastardly setting him up to be killed by having the rest of the army pull back and leave him alone before the walls of the besieged city so archers could kill him? Would he leave out how king David was having sex with his wife Bathsheba while he was fighting as a loyal servant? Thiose would be the first things that would come to light and if he is described as iognoring them, the the reader would find it extremely weird and unbelievable.

But this dead person is totally silent in relation to the murderer's motives. As a reader it made me wonder why. Was he caught in bed with the murderer’s wife? Was he caught raping the murderer’s daughter or molesting the murderer’s son? Was he caught breaking and entering into the murderer’s home? Was he insulting and humiliating the murderer when it happened? '

A person murdered for an unjust reason would confront the murderer with the injustice of his action. Yet we don’t find this in the victim’s monologue. Which means that emotionally I cannot feel the anger nor the frustration that the speaker is describing against the murderer.


Suggestion

It wasn’t my fault. Responsibility means free will, after all. I never got the chance. I was just lucky in that I managed to wash the blood off my hands before it dried. Stop clawing at your skin (not to get it off just to hide it behind the scars) because I’ll always be there. Always.

The above is very confusing because the dead person speaks of having blood on his or her hands that he or she washed off. This seems to imply that the dead person attacked someone. But in the poem the dead person speaks of being a victim of violence.

I’ll be...You are scared...”

“You’ll be scared...”

“.... can’t make their mind up.”

"....can’t decide," [word economy]

“who doesn’t[?]”

“....a soul.... [cliche’]

"....in that I ....” [....that I....”]

“....say that the next."

“....say that next."

“....any more, I need to you describe it.”

"....anymore[.] I need you to describe it.”

[Once] upon a time....”


“I [crumble] into dust....”