[This is kind of a vent/musing poem so try to go easy on it if you can, please.]
i didn't get to be a boy until later in my life.
unlike other boys, i didn't have a dad to teach me about cars and football.
my dad was mysteriously absent from my life.
instead i had a granddad, who taught me about history:
pearl harbor, world wars, civil rights and 9/11.
he was my father.
but everyone thought i was a girl when this was going on.
no one thought it strange that i enjoyed stuffed animals and the occasional doll.
'girl stuff' they said, and it was normal for me to like girl stuff because
i was a girl, right?
i see now that i was lied to.
i was never a girl, i simply accepted that label because that's what was given to me.
never once did i consider that there were other options.
i had no parent to teach me about those other options, no, i had to find them for myself.
it was eighth grade when i figured it out, but by now, i was an outsider.
in many ways i still am.
i was never on a sports team with other boys.
they would not accept me.
i had my share of boy friends, but none of them saw me as one of them.
either they saw me as a girl, or as someone who called himself a boy but wasn't really one.
i've had my fair share of setbacks, yes, but i believe i can make it.
my name is ricky.
i am a boy, raised as a girl.
and i will not be an outsider any more.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,784 Reviews
This is amazing! Great. The feelings are really present and the reader can hear your emotions through the poem. However, I think that you could expand this even more and make it have a greater impression on the reader. The great thing about poetry is that it is so dense and compact that it hits the reader like a brick and MAKES him feel. Unlike prose and plays, poetry is not filtered first through the brain but goes straight to the heart. However, you are not taking advantage of that as much as you could. Because your poem is so much like prose, it is not dense and compact and does not hit the reader and make him feel as much as he could. If you go through the poem and cut out every word that is not needed (be ruthless in editing) you will make your poem that much more emotional. The aim is to make it as compact and dense as possible. Trust me, your already amazing poem will become insane. Good luck!
Ps Your story is inspiring and amazing. You show them! There needs to be more people like you writing about their experiences so that no one has to feel isolated and outcasted as they struggle through understanding their gender identity.
This is amazing! Great. The feelings are really present and the reader can hear your emotions through the poem. However, I think that you could expand this even more and make it have a greater impression on the reader. The great thing about poetry is that it is so dense and compact that it hits the reader like a brick and MAKES him feel. Unlike prose and plays, poetry is not filtered first through the brain but goes straight to the heart. However, you are not taking advantage of that as much as you could. Because your poem is so much like prose, it is not dense and compact and does not hit the reader and make him feel as much as he could. If you go through the poem and cut out every word that is not needed (be ruthless in editing) you will make your poem that much more emotional. The aim is to make it as compact and dense as possible. Trust me, your already amazing poem will become insane. Good luck!
Ps Your story is inspiring and amazing. You show them! There needs to be more people like you writing about their experiences so that no one has to feel isolated and outcasted as they struggle through understanding their gender identity.
Hey Eli!
You should be proud!
This is in the Literary Spotlight when I'm getting to it, so congratulations
I think that the reason that so many people liked this poem is because you wrote it in a really accessible way. You give disclaimer at the beginning that it's a vent, which made me apprehensive, because often that sort of poem can be chock-a-block with unreleased anger and vitriol and that makes it hard for the reader to connect with the writer because it's like there's a barrier in the way. But you didn't do that. You managed to deal with all your negative emotions - which I'm sure have caused you a lot of frustration and difficulty over the years - in a way that didn't alienate your readers. That's a talent, and it's a talent I'd urge you to try and keep, because it makes for really meaningful art.
In terms of the poem itself, there were a few things that seemed a little askew to me. For instance:
What I found funny about this poem is that a central tenet of what the speaker is getting at is not being what people expect you to be, defying stereotypes and expectations. I think that's fair, right? But here, you state that all fathers would teach sons about cars and football, and the fact that the speaker/your grandfather instead taught about history that it's weird and unusual. Except of course, that not all fathers do teach their sons about cars and football, a lot of them are probably more into history as well. It just felt wrong in the context of the whole poem - had the poem been on a different topic I don't think it would have stuck out the way it did... but it did. (Wow I'm eloquent.)
Also, I was surprised to see 9/11 counted in as "history" as it happened so recently. Then I looked at your age and realised that to you it might be history and then I felt old xD I don't know, I wouldn't count it as history. But that's a personal perspective thing I guess.
By then?
My final point is to do with your penultimate stanza. The truth is that I was reading this, the whole piece -- it builds tension. Quite nicely. But then that all fell away quite quickly and I think that's to do with this final bit. I feel like the penultimate stanza (ie. the single line) needs to be longer, and it needs to work towards the resolution a little bit more, for the sake of pacing the poem. The way it is it feels very abrupt, it's like instead of the poem having a nice curve to it, it plateaus and then tails off really quickly. (Lord, I just compared poetry to calculus I'm so sorry.) But I think that fleshing out that line beginning 'I've had my fair share of setbacks' would really help you to give the ending more of a wham. Because while the last lines are very simple, stark, brave, elegant... I feel like they'd be even better with something to back them up
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Thanks so much for reading it! There's a lot more I could've done with this poem I realize, and I might just have to go back and edit it. But then, this was a very quickly written poem, it came straight from my heart and my head and I had little time to think about it honestly xD Thank you for the review!
I am new to this, I just joined here... Your poem was the first one I read here and I really loved and enjoyed it .
Hey, it's the WritingWolf hoping to leave a good review for you to hold on.
The thing I love about this is that you made this completely real and honest. It sounded like you just let your fingers type and put what was on your heart down.
This part especially felt like your way of saying "this is what happened, I am a different person now. I don't know if it was for the better or for the worse, but this is what happened." I appreciate that so much, good job.
I feel like you could have made this longer.
1) There is this constant mistype of you not capitalizing "i" when you need it, but that is an easy fix.
2) Could you say more setbacks? Yes, you have been labelled as a girl by people, but using that doesn't completely sound like a negative other than you realizing you have been lied to. Maybe say more of how people physically treated you? I'm not sure, I just feel like you could dig a little deeper.
On a good note, I love the ending:
It showed that you have overcome and more poetry needs that. That real feeling of "this is the real me" type deal.
Great job!
The lack of capitalization is intentional! I like to write some poems in an ee cummings style, where I forgo some capitalization/punctuation to add style to the poem.
Thank you for the review!
Smart! Thanks for the explanation!
Hey kingofeli!
I really like the concept and the idea behind this poem. My absolute favorite part is the closing stanza [block] my name is ricky.
i am a boy, raised as a girl.
and i will not be an outsider any more. [block/] I love the simplicity over it and doesn't need to be elaborate or extravagant. Besides the grammatical error, I do believe there can be some changes made. While being straightforward works for the last stanza, you can subliminally mention some events about your childhood. Rather than simply stating that your father left, why not try something which mentions that he was never there. Instead of straight up saying your grandfather told stories from history which he lived through, why not instead choose a significant event and mention that he saw "the kamikaze planes attacking the ships in pearl harbor, saw the marching of a people, joining together to change the nation and witnessed terrorists attempting to tear down the Western world by the demolition of two buildings". By describing and allowing the audience to infer more about the poem, allows them to expand their knowledge and thinking throughout. While I appreciate the straightforwardness at some parts, it has the potential to become just a bit deeper.
Thank you for allowing me to review you, and I hope my advice provided some insight!
kitkat84
My grandpa never actually saw pearl harbor, he was born the year it happened, he just taught me about history. And thanks for your review!
This poem was extremely raw and honest, which made me love it. I like the inclusion of the absence of your father and how your grandfather was in your life.
I like how you included this because it is extremely personal and honest which makes the reader want to read more. However, the poem did make me curious about your mother. I know that it is a poem and not a short story, but it was something that made me curious and made me question.I like how you said this part and included the title, which really brought the poem together.
I really loved your work and honesty. The poem was interesting and inspiring. I hope to read more from you!
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! I didn't even think about my mom, thanks for mentioning that!
This was really beautiful.well done. I have already hit the like button.
Thank you, I'm really glad you liked it!
Hi,
I can relate this thing entirely with my life but the granddad... I don't get to see his face. I will treasure this. Thanks for sharing such a poem. I think, this is entirely honest and raw... it is on realistic genre after all... I... love... it...
I love it.
Spoiler
**REVIEW STARTS HERE**
Pure, Honest, Raw
As all the reviews flooded to this poem after me, I can see most of them said that your work is pure, honest, raw and that makes me included
These mainly because
1. Your choices of words. The words are common or in an easy word, understandable. These words are sweet and actually more appealing than some-extravagant-bombastic words.
2. The way you related this poem towards the readers. The thing that is really affecting the readers is, the topic. I don't want to elaborate on this though. Plus, the growing process. Everyone experiences this. The way you mentioned "eighth grade" too makes us closer to the poem. Moreover, the histories thing. It looks like normal, but normality makes greatness.
3. You're being direct. You don't try to hide facts here. Of course being secretive is good in most poems, but that doesn't applied here. Such things to say as "stuffed animals and the occasional doll" or "i didn't have a dad to teach me about cars and football" are rather things that make this poem "unique".
4. You're not trying to explain the un-explainable. Most poets stuck because of this factor. However, I did see something un-explainable here and sorry because I can't explain this. It is un-explainable. You, the poet of this poem, shall notice this.
These are the four reasons I could state.
Nevertheless, moving on...
Avoid Some Sexist Languages
This poem title contains sexist languages. Honestly, I actually don't want to click this poem when I firstly found this poem.
I won't try to define sexist languages here, but the thing you should know about them is the usage of words that describe the sex of someone. That's why it called sex-ist. But then, you must be wondering what makes sexist language so dangerous. Try reading some writing books and you'll know.
Anyway, the main point here is don't use too much of these sexist languages:
girl, boy, dad.
Using these too much will result, firstly, readers to be alerted. (Again, you should know by yourself how the "readers to be alerted")
Secondly, you're making me yawn. Yeah, I'm serious. When I reread this poem, "girl" and "boy" become too "exist" and that makes the other words drowning from the readers.
Thirdly, ambiguities... (I think that word explained my point here. It is a part of "why sexist languages are dangerous.")
The Ending
I scrolled up again and then I see almost all reviews stated this
Most of them are positive, so I don't really want to praise it.
(I know I can be cruel sometimes...)
This is the closure, right? For me, yeah, it's bold but again, for me, it is totally "come out of nowhere".
(Sorry, I sounded really harsh this time...)
This is like a statement to announce something that likely changed you entirely. It is being direct... but too direct perhaps.
(And a note on sexist language: This ending can stand on its own without the "...am a boy...as a girl...". It makes me...almost...hit my laptop screen.)
Despite it being direct, you somewhat don't say what's an "outsider". Sorry if I missed something, but I don't understand this.
And the typography here is super inappropriate. E. E. Cummings' styles, perhaps, are really, really good. But he tended to hit the target.
And harshly, you ain't.
> You're trying to be bold here, right? This is the thesis of your poem, the most important thing in your poem that describes the whole poem. I don't thing "lower-casing" did its work here. At least, use normal cap for more effect.
I know I shouldn't really comment one's style, but I think, for now, this is "okay".
**IN A NUTSHELL**
I know I gave a lot of harsh-es, but I. Love. This. Poem.
Adieu~
Happy poe~ing~
~Memo
P/s: One last thing, look out for grammars~
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.
E. E. Cummings
Thank you! I like what you've given me here, you don't have to come back and write more if you don't want to ^^
Thanks for the sweet words. However, I just want to do it.
You're welcome.
~Memo
Then don't mark it as a review because you could never look at this work again yet steal valuable GR points from actual reviews?
Thanks for the advice Stranger. I will just edit this post and
Sprinkle some more words on it. It'll still be considered as a review, but I'll not get the points in it.
~Memo
Thank you for the review! I'll try to keep all of that in mind as I go forward. Honestly this poem was mostly just a vent poem so I wasn't really thinking about all of the nuances but thank you for taking the time to review it!
Using gender-related pronouns is sexist? Since when? I am a man; I'll be a man when I leave this world (die). How does stating my gender, which I was "assigned" by God Almighty, make me sexist- or is it only when I describe someone else as male or female?
I'm not trying to be rude; I would just like to know the reasoning behind the remark.