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Odd

by kenziefavaloro


It is a Sunday night, maybe that is our night? Or maybe that is Monday or Tuesday night. You beg me to call to have the usual talk we always do. I answer. You tell me about your life, you even vent to me. Explain everything that is going on and I listen and help out as best as possible. That is what I am here for, friend. You tell me about numerable girls and your first world problems that are stressing you out. Even some personal things. You know I am on the other side of the phone listening, not falling asleep, even though it is past 2am. Maybe I do not give the best advice, I change my mind. Why am I still awake talking to you? You will not let me hang up to sleep because you are not finished. I say what I think you should do and then you cannot fall asleep any longer. Your mind is racing. I decide to skim my life and tell you tiny pieces, you listen but it is no big deal. Why are we so close still? I am still awake with you. We talk about anything openly. Then I go to bed... They say if you stay up past 3am for someone it either means you're lonely or in love...

So then I lie awake in my bed with my phone and lights turned off, but my mind turned on. This is so odd. 


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Thu Apr 20, 2017 4:32 pm
Aaraju wrote a review...



Hi Kenziefavaloro, here's a quick review for this.

I have only positive things to say about this piece of writing. You don't know how much I can relate to this. It's like you have written the things that I have been thinking about for so long. People tell me about their sorrows, about how much they are hurt and the same things again and again and I am always there for them to listen. They would call me their so called 'best friend' because I listen to them and try to give them advice. They think I talk to them but actually I don't. They know nothing about me, nothing going on in my personal life. They know nothing that has been eating me up alive, that has been hurting my soul and yet they call me their best friend. They talk and I listen. I am surrounded by friends and yet I am alone.

Thank you so much, Kenziefavaloro, for writing such a beautiful piece that I can relate to so much. Keep on writing and I hope I will get to read and review more of your writings.
Best wishes for your future, my dear.




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Wed Oct 07, 2015 7:23 pm
DreamYourselfAway wrote a review...



I love this!!! The narrator seems like someone i would love to have as my own friend, in fact they are very much like my own friend who once stayed up all night with me just because id had a bad day and needed to rant, she came over and listened to me so i find this really relatable. It has also really helped me with my own ideas for a story i am wrting at the moment so thank you soooo much!!!!

DreamYourselfAway




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 6:17 pm
Halfbloodcheetah wrote a review...



Hey Kenzie! Halfbloodcheetah here for a review!

I notice that you just joined this month so welcome to YWS!

I really like this! The narrator of this sounds like an amazing friend. One that will listen to you talk about your day or rant and rave about how stupid everything is, even really early in the morning. Also this line: "They say if you stay up past 3am for someone it either means you're lonely or in love..." Is a great addition to the fact that there are a handful of people that will do that. That is the kind of friend I want to be!

Your grammar and spelling look pretty good from what I can see! Great job! I really enjoyed reading this! :) Let me know when you write more!




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Sun Sep 27, 2015 2:30 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Hey, Kenzie! Artemis here for Team Tarids. Happy Review Day!

So, let's begin. The first two sentences are really weird. What do you mean by "our" night? And why is this girl wondering what night it is? Couldn't she just turn on her phone and check?

"It is a Sunday night, maybe that is our night? Or maybe that is Monday or Tuesday night."

This sentence is kind of... random. You're doubting your advice, and I get that. But you put a comma and say you change your mind. I think this would be a little better: "Maybe I do not give the best advice... I think to myself. I change my mind."

"Maybe I do not give the best advice, I change my mind."

Throughout the first paragraph you're really discursive. You switch around from topic to topic, beginning with wondering what night it is and then talking about some other person on the phone. Then you're saying you want to hang up on this person, and then suddenly you're talking about that "stay up past 3" thing. I think smoother transitions would work better.

The ending was kind of abrupt. "Odd" doesn't sound right with it. I think "weird" would work better, too.

Overall, I think you could elaborate a little, make smoother transitions and break the first chunk into smaller paragraphs. But I liked the concept! Good job on your work and keep writing, Kenzie!

-Artemis28 :D




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Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:41 am
BlueDaisy2018 says...



"It is a Sunday night, maybe that is our night? Or maybe that is Monday or Tuesday night. You beg me to call to have the usual talk we always do. I answer. You tell me about your life, you even vent to me. Explain everything that is going on and I listen and help out as best as possible. That is what I am here for, friend. You tell me about numerable girls and your first world problems that are stressing you out. Even some personal things. You know I am on the other side of the phone listening, not falling asleep, even though it is past 2am. Maybe I do not give the best advice, I change my mind. Why am I still awake talking to you? You will not let me hang up to sleep because you are not finished. I say what I think you should do and then you cannot fall asleep any longer. Your mind is racing. I decide to skim my life and tell you tiny pieces, you listen but it is no big deal. Why are we so close still? I am still awake with you. We talk about anything openly. Then I go to bed... They say if you stay up past 3am for someone it either means you're lonely or in love...

So then I lie awake in my bed with my phone and lights turned off, but my mind turned on. This is so odd. "

THis is a wonderful piece with a powerful resonating message. I greatly enjoyed it.




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:22 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hello,

Welcome to YWS! I'm Elinor, and I'm here to give you a review. I really liked this, and thought that it had a powerful message that a lot of people will be able to relate to. You have this classified as art, so I'm wondering if it's a nonfiction piece or something that you came up with on your own? It feels very genuine, very stream of consciousness in a way.

The construction of this is a little bit off, though. Your first paragraph is very thick, which makes it intimidating to read, and your second is only a sentence. Believe it or not, how you structure your paragraphs can have a lot to do with how your story is perceived by your reader. Try to more or less convey one idea or thought per paragraph.

Your language throughout this can also get a bit repetitive (see "Why are you so close still? I am awake still with you") so I would watch that on your revision as well. The grammar also feels wonky in places, but otherwise this is great work. Keep it up, and feel free to let me know if you have any questions.

Best,
Elinor




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Mon Sep 14, 2015 6:29 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review and to give you a slightly belated welcome to YWS!

I can identify somewhat with the sentiments expressed in this piece of writing. It rather makes me think of that friend we all have who always tells you their problems, whether you want to hear them or not, and half your life seems to revolve around their problems. (For the record, I did once have a friend like that)

While I enjoyed reading this, I feel like this is… definitely not bland, but I feel like you could possibly give it some more oomph. This is just an idea and I’m sure other reviewers will disagree with me on this, but I feel like this could make a really good poem if you were to do a bit of re-structuring. Other than that, it was short and sweet and pretty well-written. I did however notice one little thing:

You tell me about numerable girls and your first world problems that are stressing you out.


Now, I actually pictured this person you were addressing to be a girl, purely due to stereotype. I mean, I guess you may well be referring to a girl, but if you are then perhaps you need to make this more obvious to your reader. Unless the ambiguity is a deliberate feature of your writing, in which case disregard this.

I also have a couple of nitpicky things that may help you with certain aspects of your writing style:

It is a Sunday night, maybe that is our night?


This is an example of a comma splice and it’s grammatically incorrect. When two clauses are unrelated, they shouldn’t be joined up with a comma. Here is a great article which can help you with these.

it either means your lonely or in love...


“Your” means “something belonging to you” whereas “you’re” is a short form of “you are.” You may find this article useful.

So then I lay awake in my bed with my phone and lights turned off


This should be “lie” not “lay”. This article explains why. ;)

So then I lay awake in my bed with my phone and lights turned off, but my mind turned on. This is so odd.


Can I just say how much I love this ending? It’s so ambiguous, but that’s what makes it so effective. All through the piece it’s left to the reader’s own interpretation, which I really like. Feel free to let me know if you ever need anything else reviewed, and keep writing! Hopefully this review was of at least some use to you. :D





Remember: the plot is nothing more than footprints left in the snow after your characters have run by on their way to incredible destinations.
— Ray Bradbury