Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
We used to get nervous and shy, getting butterflies that shoot into the sky,
Now we are getting drunk and high, now we are struggling and barely getting by.
We used to stay up the entire night wishing you did not have to leave,
Now we are sneaking out to fuck, losing ourselves trying to breathe.
We used to be something more,
Now everyone is just considered a whore who does dirty things behind the closed door.
We used to build up the courage to give a phone call,
Now we lose count of who we hook up with, must be all the alcohol.
We used to flirt by giving each other smiles at glance,
Now you just do it and get in each others pants.
We used to live in a world,
Now I am disgusted.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
i love how well you explain the evolution of that relationship, its very personal and im sure it took alot of confidence to share something that personal.
it takes lots of confidence and i envy that
i also like how clearly you explained it. you made it sound so clear and smooth even though there is so much pain in the poem
would love to read more of your work
ChocolateCello here!
Gonna keep this review short and sweet-
Not sure if this makes sense. Sure, I get the whole nervous butterfly thing but 'shoot into the sky'? I've never heard those two phrases being used together. (I'm assuming this was as in 'butterflies in your stomach'- the beginning of the line talked about being nervous) Correct me if I'm wrong, but 'butterflies that shoot into the sky' might not be the phrase you're going for.
Simple mistake here. You're just missing a comma. 'ourselves, trying'.
Two things with this-
A) 'we used to live in a world' We still live in a world though it's simply different. Maybe 'we used to live in an innocent world'? I don't know, just don't let the poem imply that we no longer live in a world.
B) 'Now I am disgusted' I don't know. This just bothered me a bit. I felt like the speaker was taking part in all the things described (They said 'we' quite a bit, including themselves) then they go and complain about it? If they had a problem with it them why not just stop participating? Hm. Maybe it's just a matter of opinion. Still, thought I'd point it out.
Very interesting poem. Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
You sure know better than all of us.
Hey. Drop here. Not a fan of this. This makes it out like you are disgusted with our culture, yes? Well, we all apply to it. Things happen for a reason. Changes happen for a reason. In a sense, I don't like the entitlement that the narrator has. You crap on other people, really. We are all equals, yet in this case you are making it out like you're better. Try to make it easier to like the narrator, instead of just making the reader mad.
thanks.
Hey, I'm going to review this interesting poem!
Suggestions;
Spoiler
Here you are rhyming the two lines, right, so you have to change their format to match with each other. "Now" is a redundant word, you can remove it to:
See, the breaks and flow of the lines match with each other.
Anyway, if you want to go to a new line, press Enter and Shift so that there's no space between the lines.
"... losing ourselves trying to breathe..." makes the line wordy and the number of syllables doesn't balance with the first. How about changing it to "... getting difficult to breathe"? It's shorter and balance with the previous line.
The first line is too short! Add some words to it so that the rhyming is effective here. "We once were respectable and sensible, we were something more". Also, I suggest you to remove "the" before "closed door" because it disrupts the flow of reading.
"Each other's..."
Whoa! No rythme here! I think since you break the usual format, you need to go for the explosive effect. Changing the comma with a hyphen would do just that - brings in the urgency of the lines.
Actual meaning;
I like the theme here, how it revolves around the relationship between man and woman. I'm glad I live in a country where this thing doesn't happen - not publicly, anyway - and so have no trouble with this issue. But the thought of being a "gentleman" and how we value our pride is appealing, just that now we surrender to lust and passion and all that shit. I think you've done well bringing out this issue. It's a shout out to "safe sex" and whatnot.
Good job, keep it up!
Thank you!
Heyo.
First thing I noticed in this poem was the layout of it. Now I know this may seem like a personal preference, but it really matters. Try and separate things into stanzas. It looks neater and better, and it helps organize your poem.
I do like this poem very much. It brings across a very important point that lots of people are too shy to bring up, but that's the thing about dark subjects, they may be horrible and upsetting to listen to, but they are worth bringing up. Thank you for being the one to bring this up.
"Now everyone is just considered a whore who does dirty things behind the closed door." I feel like you could've used a stronger word other than "dirty." Just like a lot of weak words in this poem, I feel it would flow a bit nicer if you used stronger words. Sure, you do get your point across, but a good vocabulary is always nice.
I like the little pattern you've got going on here: "We, Now, We, Now," It nicely compares things that were better in the past to the horrid present. Nice touch on that.
"We used to live in a world," Ehm, we still live in a world, "Now I am disgusted." You should've added something after "We used to live in a world." Because we still do live in a world, and that will confuse your readers.
But overall, nice work.
-xJ ♥︎
Thanks!:)
Yay, time for a review with a poem like this.
Yay.
Ok, first of all, try to block bad words or rate it 18 plus.
Also, this poem seems great, back then everybody cared about each other, and now....EXPLOSION.
Lots of people are mean,careless,full of vanity and not humble.
So this makes ALOT of sense and is probably good enough to be in a newspaper (Without the bad words of course).
We used to flirt by giving each other smiles at glance,
Now you just do it and get in each others pants.
The rhyming of "Pants" and "Glance" could have been better.
We used to live in a world,
Now I am disgusted.
THAT WAS SO CLOSE TO BEING PERFECT!
"Now I am disgusted." COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER "Now it is all down" or "Now ruined" could have given the reader a lasting feeling.
Other than that, good.
Thank you for your help and ideas!:)
Your welcome!