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Heart of a Ship

by kenziefavaloro


I sit here thinking about ships and how they are made to be dense, strong, and hard, but delicate enough to float.

They are made to tough through the weather and missles, whatever comes their way; but sometimes, just sometimes, they can snap and sink.

The people on the boat do not always deserve to sink do they?

I feel as though these ships have their sails so delicate and changing shapes with the wind, yet their deck so stable and firm.

Some ships show their fun sides to water ski and fish, but others are used for war and transportation.

In a way we are all on our own ship.

Sometimes we are on a hardship where no matter how hurt we are we will be stable for others.

Others are on a yacht just doing things for pleasure and not meaningful.

But no matter what ship you are on or whether we deserve to be on it or not, we all have one thing in the back of your mind: don't sink. 


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Fri Sep 18, 2015 12:54 am
TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Hmm...well, I made to admit, kenzie, that the message of this poem is powerful, and beautifully conveyed. I like how, in the beginning, you make a series of descriptions on the components and attributes of ships. It was eye-catching, it was interesting, and made me curious as to where the story might lead next. Furthermore, I also enjoyed the way you provide contrasts to highlight your points and exemplify the various attributes of ships, which makes the message that you provide later on even stronger. Ships are strong, mighty, and so heavy, but they still yet float. They try to sail through thick and thin, through good and bad, but sometimes, they will can handle the pressure no more. I agree with each of these statements, and I love the way that you conveyed them vividly and powerfully through your concise descriptions. When I reached near the end of the story, the moment of revelation that you provided, when you provide the reason for your writing this story, and shock the minds of the readers, I found that it was equally notable and impressive as the beginning, if not more so. All these descriptions about ships, how they sink and float, the many different kinds, all connect to us as people in this story. We face problems just like them, we are of similar kinds to them, we going through similar qualms as they do, and sometimes sink like they do. Your message is beautiful, realistic, and vivid. Everybody goes through these challenges in life, and, in a way, they face troubles similar to ships. It is a fascinating story to read, due in part to its intense and powerful message, one that is developed over the course of the story, and it's amazing how well this story is conducted.

I would like to point out, however, a few things that I noticed were a little, to me, odd.

First and foremost, I'm not sure what you mean when you talk about "missals." I looked it up in the dictionary, and it is defined as a book containing prayers and rites used by a priest. As such, given the context of the passage, I'm not sure the word is entirely appropriate for the said sentence, particularly considering it is about ships toughing through things. Could you please clarify what you mean when you use the word "missals" to describe something that ships tough through?

Secondly, there should be a comma between "sink" and "do" in the third paragraph to designate the natural pause that the reader will make when reading the passage. And the same can be said for the fourth-to-last paragraph, in which there should be a comma between "way" and "we." Lastly, in the following paragraph, the words "no matter how hurt we are," should also be separated from the rest of the sentence by commas, also because the reader would naturally pause over that area. Just keep this mind; when you are unsure if a comma belongs in a sentence, read over the sentence and notice any pauses that you make while reading. Designate, if there is no other substitute, a comma at that location.

Finally, in the fourth paragraph, there is a form error in the sentence, as you first describe ships in a plural form, but then describe their docks in a singular form. As a suggestion, replace "deck" with "decks are," so as to make sure that the form of all of the related parts of the sentence are connected properly. Lastly, I'd suggest replacing all of the "you"s in the last paragraph with "we." By using "you" twice, and "we" twice, it makes the sentence a little confusing, because I'm not quite sure who you are referring to. By replacing all of them with one or the other (although "we" makes more sense in the sentence than "you"), the sentence is consistent, and the point it conveys is much stronger.

Nonetheless, I loved this story. It was beautifully conveyed, and it was powerful. Nice job with the details that you have provided, and the message that you spread throughout this poem. I enjoyed reading this from start to finish, and, in conclusion, I like this poem. Great job! :D






lol i meant to say "missles" whoops! thank you for pointing that out to me and all of your suggestions!



TheSilverFox says...


Ah, that makes sense. I had wondered whether or not you meant "missiles," but I was afraid to ask you because I was afraid that I might unintentionally offend you. Sorry about that. XD

And no problem; this story is awesome, and it was a pleasure to review it. :D



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Fri Sep 18, 2015 12:37 am
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Kenzie,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you've been having a good time around here so far. This is a really interesting metaphor and I think a solid foundation for your story. It's interesting because I'd never thought about this much before, but it makes a lot of sense.

As a first draft, this is a little shaky, but I wouldn't worry too much about that -- all first drafts are. While I do like the stream-of-conciousness feel of this and think that it does a good job both of setting the tone of the story, I think you could hone this in a little bit more. Let your thoughts flow freely, but still center them, if that makes sense. You start off idly musing to the reader, then you seem to tell a traditional narrative story, than it almost reads like an informative article.

I almost think that this would be a good second person piece - it's very calm and peaceful, in a way.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.

Best,
Elinor





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