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12+

Broken Records

by kaceymackwriter


Against the shadows of the night

Is my luminous laptop screen.

Lighting up my tapping fingers

As these hours of dark are slow to wane.


Outside the window is an orange street lamp.

Above there’s a great big oblivion,

In my ear is the sweet melody of medicine,

In my head is the whisper of everything trivial.


Staring at the shadows and the demons alike.

The record of my nights is stuck on repeat.

Up in the silence, as this house surely settles.

Awake because sleep is too much a relief.


Across the hall, she snores in her slumber

Ignorant to my long unanswered yawn.

While here I lay, unable to quit,

Listening to an echo of the same damn song.


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Mon Sep 30, 2019 7:22 pm
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Querencia wrote a review...



Hey kaceymackwriter!
I know you wrote this a little bit ago, but I wanted to review it anyway. :) I'm just going to go stanza by stanza and then give some overall thoughts at the end.

Against the shadows of the night

Is my luminous laptop screen.

Lighting up my tapping fingers

As these hours of dark are slow to wane.

In the second line, "is" doesn't feel like a very strong starter--"glares my luminous laptop screen" gives a stronger verb, so it feels like there's more of an action. Obviously the laptop screen isn't doing anything, per se, but if it's glaring or glowing, that feels more active and there's even some more emotion. You also might want to end that line with a comma instead of a period because it relates to the next line!
In the last line, "As" doesn't seem to be used quite right--it looks like it wants to be in a comparison, "I type as ___ happens" but then the "hours of dark are slow to wane" doesn't quite fit. I'm not very good at explaining because I don't know all of the technicalities behind this, but "As these hours of dark slowly wane" sounds like it fits better. I'm sure there's something grammatical about it, but you can play around with other phrasings!

Outside the window is an orange street lamp.

Above there’s a great big oblivion,

In my ear is the sweet melody of medicine,

In my head is the whisper of everything trivial.

Interesting. I like the repetition you have going on here. I would suggest a comma after the first line, though maybe the second line could end in a period. It depends on how you want to separate it, but pairs looks like it would work well here.
I'm not sure about the last two lines, the "sweet melody of medicine" and the "whisper of everything trivial". Why would the medicine create a sweet melody? I love the sound of the m's together, but I'm not sure what the meaning is. And the last line definitely strikes a blow, because I get the whispering of trivial things in my head, but it isn't quite as effective as it could be, perhaps because there's not character of the whisperings. Like everything else in this stanza, they just exist. I don't know if you're making the point of the fact that these things just are, that they don't do anything, but a word like "ominous whisperings" or "pervasive whisperings" could add a lot more character here.

Staring at the shadows and the demons alike.

The record of my nights is stuck on repeat.

Up in the silence, as this house surely settles.

Awake because sleep is too much a relief.

Oooh I really love the description in this stanza. The periods make it seem really chopped, and there's a much more ominous tone than the other things just existing. The last line in particular really puts the whole poem into perspective.
The one thing I might add is pushing the metaphor of the record/record player. It's the title of your piece, so I thought that the imagery might be more... obvious? Or more repeated. If you dropped little hints about a scratched record (hence repeating) or the fuzz of speakers when the record's over and you haven't taken it off yet--I think those types of things would help to solidify the image in readers' heads without being overbearing.

Across the hall, she snores in her slumber

Ignorant to my long unanswered yawn.

While here I lay, unable to quit,

Listening to an echo of the same damn song.

The last stanza made it seem as if the lack of sleep was (somewhat) a choice, with the "sleep is too much a relief" line. As if the narrator doesn't want the relief. It's also interesting that a "she" is introduced, when the emphasis has been on the narrator, and I'm not sure whether I like it or not. Also, the use of d*** at the end is well placed, I think, because it gives a measure of strength and punch to that line which is just at the very end, so I think that worked out really well for a closer.

Overall, I think your last two stanzas get a little stronger and more interesting, while the first two are just some statements of existence which (the second one, particularly) are a little bit too vague. If you want, you could make this more purposeful with a very vague first stanza and growing gradually closer to a painfully clear ending, but you can order it in the way it seems best to you. :)

I do really like the imagery and the mood in this poem--though I'm not sure of the specific reasons why this narrator is awake, I think that the night mood and being unable/unwilling to sleep is really prominent here and also resonates with me. Nice job of doing that! And good luck with your future writings.

-Q




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Fri Sep 27, 2019 11:44 am
Luke14 wrote a review...



This feels like such and honest, and real poem, the last line, "Listening to an echo of the same damn song." Is a line I can relate to in particular. The words chosen here are so bleak, yet descriptive, I can create a clear picture in my head. The title itself is also a good choice, the idea of repeating can have a stronger effect on our ears. The "luminous laptop screen," is also a line that's all too familiar. The poem gives me familiarity, in the best kind of way. In doing so, it grabs me, and I must pay attention to words being said. I have so much respect already from this poem. That's the beauty of poetry, it can be a creative form of expression. The pain I see in these words I feel is real, and since I feel it too, I have a strong connection with this poem. I'd give this a 9/10.




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Sun Sep 22, 2019 3:21 pm
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello! FlamingPhoenix here to drop off a review for you on this lovely night! And to hep get your work out of the green room for you, and to help make your work better!

Okay let's start shall we!

So there was only one small thing I saw in this poem that needs to be fixed, and it's not a big thing either.
To begin with, with this review, let's look at how many lines are in each of your paragraphs, so in the first one there are eight, and the other two are four. So to give everything the same flow and keep it looking the same, I would suggest splitting the first paragraph into two, or you could put the last to paragraphs together, but if you were going to split the first one here is were I would do it.

As these hours of dark are slow to wane.

Outside the window is an orange street lamp.

Between these two lines would be a really good place, you kind of move on to another thing here, so it wont mess anything up.

But other than that I really liked this poem, the emotions were deep and the flow for the most part was really good, and I could really connect to this poem, so I think you have done a really great job. This is a poem you should be proud of, great job.

Well that's all from me for now, I'm glad I had to chance to read and review your poem, it was a lot of fun. I hope you will keep writing great things like this in the future, and post them on YWS soon! Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

Image






omg I've been trying to fix that spacing since last night and it absolutely will not format how I want it to! Its original formatting is exactly what you suggested, there's just some glitch that I can't figure out! but regardless thank you so much for your feedback!!





I'm sure it will work sometime, it always dose that with me, that why I put three dots like this ... between my paragraphs. I'm glad I could help!



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Sun Sep 22, 2019 2:22 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey Kacey!

My name is Elinor, and I thought that I would drop by to give you a quick review.

I enjoyed reading this poem, and I thought it was really interesting. I'm not sure if you watch the TV show Black Mirror, but I was reading that the title is revived from the reflection we see in our computer scenes. That concept is sort of what your poem reminded me of. I like how you capture a sense of isolation that's so normal, and something that I know a lot of people will be able to relate to. You have a really nice writing style, which made this a nice read too.

What I wanted was more of a sense of time and place. I get what you're going for, but I want to feel like I'm there alongside the narrator. What time of year is it? Is it winter or summer? Fall or spring? Does she heard crickets, or just the cold winter wind? What's the song that she's listening to?
Poetry ultimately is about evoking a feeling, and I think you have a really good start here.

I hope this helpful! Keep writing, and please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Cheers,
Elinor




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Sun Sep 22, 2019 5:27 am
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ToxicAnglerFish wrote a review...



Hello! I am here to review your poem here today! I must say this was a interesting read to me as if seemed rather more abstract and simple then really having a super deep meaning if that makes sense? Anyway I really enjoyed this poem and how it described one of those late nights where you just simply stay up late listening to songs, looking out the window and listen to the silence around you. It's really nice and this poem did a good job delivering that feeling of being up late at night excently really. I also really appreciate your story-telling like way of writing, it made this poem really fun and enjoyable for me to read! I also really enjoy your simple but good vocabulary choices in this as it really made this poem nice to read and again very enjoyable! I really don't have anything negative to say about this poem, good job! Keep writing :).





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