Carefully cracks a spider web between foundations beneath the toes
Who speaks? She yells, a booming canon drowning by the bells
This creaking wood in heels of splinters bemoaned the deadened heart
Kept the feet from falling far, yet her nose be tried in dark
Try flying star inside glass walls where sparks go spluttering out
From the hearth its dying breath screamed the cries devout
By bravery stands her shaking soul, by cowards is her mind
Yet still in silence where neither are, deceptive faith has left her blind
Spice a trail of wind where the corridor winds creates a trap too cold and bland
But ventured past in callous end, stumbling dim by no guided hand.
Hear her haunted screams to none, enchained to the echoing void
Wandering agony sealed by lies, soon buried, left by fiendish voice
Torturous wraith who seeks to hide, by what crevice might you decide
Where foyer twists in corner divides, perhaps the very spot you died
Consider please before your stride, through, she dares, you may defy
Weak resolve is poor design and none find fright a humorous demise
Twisted dungeon, corrupted maze of lies, she knows your raggedly crafted guise
Struggle still for fear bests the wise, still crooked fate is tethered behind her eyes
Help me please, she pleads with pain, fingers raw against the chains
No help for the wicked, they’re all to blame, no rest in life but engulfed in flames
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140,840 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I'm not even someone who generally enjoys poetry, but this one was nice! The rhyming scheme flowed well, even in my untrained head (although the first line seemed a little off? I suppose you've rhymed "bells" with "yells" in a method that's not entirely off-putting).
The strange sentence structure you've opted for here and there is something that I might usually be against, but I do think it works well here. And the general descriptive talent you have is something I can appreciate.
The final few lines are some of my favourites, and I think you've done a good job of weaving more meaning into the piece at the end!
It's not easy to get me to enjoy a poem all the way through, so good work, and I hope you write more
Hello Kacey!
Anma here to reveiw
Hope you dont mind the shorting of your name.
Anyways so first of this is pretty great, i really enjoyed reading it and I'll try to give you some meh ideas i guess is the way to put it. But i haven't been on or writing for a while so forgive me for any mistakes i make. Now lets get started. So i did see some potential errors in your writing, its not terribly bad but ill point them out.
1. Kept the feet from falling far, yet her nose be tried in (the) dark
2.From the hearth(,) its dying breath screamed the cries (devoutly)
3.Yet still(,) in silence where neither are, deceptive faith has left her blind
4.Spice a trail of wind where the corridor winds (create) a trap too cold and bland
5.Where foyer twists in corner (divide), perhaps the very spot you died
6.Twisted dungeon, (a)or(the) corrupted maze of lies, she knows your raggedly crafted guise
I hope this helped, i enjoyed the read.
Have a wonderful review day!
Sincerely
Anma
Hello Kacey!
Anma here to reveiw
Hope you dont mind the shorting of your name.
Anyways so first of this is pretty great, i really enjoyed reading it and I'll try to give you some meh ideas i guess is the way to put it. But i haven't been on or writing for a while so forgive me for any mistakes i make. Now lets get started. So i did see some potential errors in your writing, its not terribly bad but ill point them out.
1. Kept the feet from falling far, yet her nose be tried in (the) dark
2.From the hearth(,) its dying breath screamed the cries (devoutly)
3.Yet still(,) in silence where neither are, deceptive faith has left her blind
4.Spice a trail of wind where the corridor winds (create) a trap too cold and bland
5.Where foyer twists in corner (divide), perhaps the very spot you died
6.Twisted dungeon, (a)or(the) corrupted maze of lies, she knows your raggedly crafted guise
I hope this helped, i enjoyed the read.
Have a wonderful review day!
Sincerely
Anma