i’m the ashes falling into the tray
how easily you could whisper and leave me into dust
pick me up and rub me between your soft fingers
will you wash your hands once i turn them black?
or will you keep my stain
leaving others to smell me on you
with you as long as the ash lingers
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Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hey Julia!! I decided to explore your other poetry and I discovered this gem. I decided to leave a review!! Let's jump right in:
we start off really strong, with this statement that intrigued me right away...
Ashes are often associated with death or destruction or an ending. I think that you being the ashes really shows the lack of power you feel over your own life. You talk about how this other person has the opportunity and ability to rub you between their fingers or blow you away or leave you in the dust. Perhaps even the breath from a whisper would make you disappear. Your words are so powerful and I love the symbolism in this so much! I wonder how you turned into ashes in the first place... I would love to see some lines expanding on that, as well as what it feels like to be ashes.
I love this second part of the poem too:
You ask some questions here, again, like you did in another poem. It is this test, will they remember you? Will they be ashamed and wash you away? There is no way to know, but you poem is clear and the message is conveyed wonderfully. Overall, I love this. I feel like you are trying to state this lack of control feeling. This attachment or dependency on someone who controls you. Fantastic work and keep on writing!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hello!
This poem captures the worry a person can experience when in a relationship. For such a short poem, it's symbolism delivers, and it hits hard. The comparison between ashes and a relationship, good or bad, is surprising perfect. An unexpected way of seeing something.
From what I'm picking up, it seems as if ash is seen as something unwanted, but if a person truly cares, they won't leave you in the dust, they won't wash their hands, they will let you keep your stain. Keeping your stain is the equivalent of dealing with your partner in times good and bad. Allowing that person to be comfortable around you.
It starts off saying that it's so easy to just leave. To walk away from a relationship. But as the poem goes on, it turns into the narrator hoping that the person will "keep their stain". This poem hits hard for me. It reminds me of how I felt at a point in my life.
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This was a pretty interesting poem, making me wonder what a 'well-written poem' is.
I feel like the main difference between a poem and a story is that poems deliver emotions and feelings rather than the storyline itself.
In the most simple terms, this is a very short poem that is written from the perspective of 'ash'. Nothing really happens in the poem and with some poor sentences and word choices, this could turn into the most boring piece of writing in the world.
However, while reading this poem, I found myself enjoying it. The way you decided to place the sentences and words was simply well structured.
It would be fairly easy to write an interesting poem with an interesting topic. However, the fact that this poem delivers a strong emotion through a literal 'ashes', shows how well-written it is. Maybe you just wrote this thinking only about 'ashes' but, I just feel like there could be so many allegories and unseen meanings hidden in this poem, depending on how you decide to read it.
I'd love to see some of your longer poems because I think you could do some amazing things with the way you use the language.
keep up the good work!
I absolutely love this. I love the language. I love the way it flows. GREAT JOB
Hi there! This is loveissourgrapes and I am here to review/comment on your poem. It is short yet beautiful <3 good job on that!
The aesthetic of it having to be all lowercase is good. It suits the vibe of someone casually smoking outside, having these thoughts of their lover in mind. The metaphor of the ashes being the narrator. Their lover leaves them behind but their love stains on the lover. By the way, the second line is a question so you should put a question mark at the end.
I do not smoke and I am not planning to but I've seen a lot of people rub their fingers after smoking and it does turn black because of the ashes. if the metaphor is that the narrator is the ashes of the lover, why is it "I turn them black"? Maybe it should be just "I turn black".
This feels cut. Maybe you should have made the ending longer c: This is really good though. It has a lot of potential, it's just that it needs to be longer. Keep on writing! Have a great day/night!
Hello! Now here is an interesting little poem. Short, longing, and somewhat desperate. Let’s dive into the review!
(Pardon the grammatical inconsistencies; using another gadget is tough HAHHA)
This is an interesting description of a possibly one sided relationship. You describe how the person rubs you with their fingers, whispers delicately, and leaves you to the dust. It seems to show of a person who seems to treat the person well by whispering beautiful words and gently touching them. However, they leave them to the dust.
The narrator asks if they would keep whatever remains on them after throwing the character away or they would simply wash their hands to rid any trace of them. The fact that they threw them like ashes on tray shows that they do not care about the narrator. But the narrator is hopelessly in love with them to the point the plead for them to at least retain a sliver of them in their hearts.
I also find it interesting how you do not capitalize the first letter of each sentence, which is typical for poems. Your words also don’t rhyme. But I guess it is part of the message and artistry you want to convey and I am totally ok with that.
Overall, this is an incredibly poetic work and I hope get to see this in the literary spotlight soon!
This is alpacaboss, signing off.