I slip on my shoes with the lifted thread
my skin touches the tarnished summers and wet winters
the memory of soft, untouched toes
red polish pushes against the end too far
remembering the curves, no longer able to fit
my newfound edges
I lick the soft chocolate off my dry lips
gazing at the sparkled counter
the ridges in my fingers holding onto the treat
the sweet cream melts, covering the sparkles
longing for the warmth in my mouth
being consumed by the space between us
I leave, stitching the torn shoes and cream in the back of my heart
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138,956 Literary Works • 672,361 Reviews
Hello Hello, I hope you dont me popping in with a quick review. If I am not mistaken we haven't officially met yet. Do forgive me if I'm wrong about this I don't mean to offend you. With that being said I'm Moonlily and I hope to see you around. Let's get into the review at hand, shall we?
Overall I thought this was a well done and moving piece. I found this relatable perhaps it's because we are the same age but I love the themes you're going for. There is something about being a young adult that makes you feel everything has changed yet it's all the same. I think the imagery portrays this feeling well without going for overused words as my fellow reviewers have pointed out.
Now there were a few pieces of feedback I would like to give. Please keep in mind that I'm not a professional and you don't have to use any of it if you don't want to.
This could be a me thing but I don't think Sparkled is a bit off. Maybe something like this would work better.
Likewise, my last bit of feedback is a bit nitpicky.
I would change the wording a bit to help with the flow.
Other than those small changes this a very solid poem. I love the almost melancholic energy it gives off despite it being a fond look back. This does a great job of describing what nostalgia can often feel like. I also feel the last line is the perfect way to wrap this poem up.
Good job with this poem I hope life is treating you well. With all that being said, keep writing and remember to drink water!
Hi! I really like that I can feel the character's yearning from this poem about growing up and changing, and that things from when we were young seem a bit different than before. From what I've inferred(I hope this is right keke) it's a poem about missing childhood that doesn't have the word 'childhood' or 'past' in it, making it a little less obvious, which is something I also like.
Though I feel like stronger language can be used to emphasize a point, I think that the underlying meaning behind the phrases that you pick are really interesting! Good job!!
I'm not good at reviewing haha..