Chapter 5
Lamar
I didn’t mean to scare her but a sense of relief filled me when she finally knew. We are walking to her new room and had already said goodbye to the others. I can tell that she is tense and I don’t want to listen to her thoughts but I am so nervous I don’t know if I can give her privacy knowing that I can hear what she is thinking in a moment’s notice. No, I won’t do that to her. She has a right to her own thoughts. As I berate myself for even considering violating her privacy I can’t help but get excited over the fact that she will be that much closer to me. I don’t understand how I could feel this strongly about her in such a short time frame. God, I feel like I am a teenager again.
As I stop walking I grab a hold of Sarah’s hand to not only to comfort her but to assure me that she is there with me and willing to listen. I turn to the right and look at the brown door, that is the exact replica of all the others, and fish the key out of my pocket. I open the door and lead her through the entryway into her basic, blue, hotel style room. I move over to the chair and let go of her hand to allow her some space. She quickly goes over and sits Indian style on the bed while staring at me expectantly.
I drag the chair over in front of her so we are eye level. She is staring at me with such intensity I feel myself being picked apart by her eyes and being examined until all of me is exposed. I know I should feel unnerved by this but for some reason it only gives me peace of mind.
Suddenly I am pulled out of my mind as I hear her say, “Ok, so spill it. What are your hybrid powers because I am pretty sure that I don’t normally hear your voice in my head, actually, I am positive that that’s not normal so what is it?”
I can’t help but let a small smile reach my lips, as I am again amazed by her ability to cut away all of the extra and get right to the point. I respond, “Well if you’re just wanting a list than that will be a lot easier but if I know you at all you will probably want a little background as well. Am I correct to assume this?”
“Congratulations, you’re catching on.” She said in a sarcastic tone, “Yes, I would like more than just a list. I would also like background and to what extent they work.” She stated more seriously.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly to try and prepare myself for the onslaught of memories and turmoil that came with my abilities. As I go through the memories in my head to find the beginning, Sarah stares at me expectantly and waits only as patiently as possible for her, which is to say, not very. When I am finally ready I look into her beautiful green eyes and say, “It started for me when I was 17. It was my senior year in high school and my brother was bugging me about what I wanted for my birthday, which was a week away. We were at home and screwing around with the fact that we would be adults in a week, teasing each other with what we would do with adulthood. We heard a car pull up and automatically knew it was our parents. We both ran outside to help them because they were coming back from the grocery store, but when we stepped on the porch there was an explosion and we watched as the world slowed and my parents were dismembered by the force of the explosion. We ducked to get away from the flying scrap metal and then it went completely silent. We looked up and saw pieces of car, food, and our parents strewn across the lawn. Within 3 minutes the police were there questioning us while paramedics looked us over. They said that we were lucky but trust me we didn’t believe so. We were left to fend for ourselves because we would be adults soon and would be able to care for ourselves. They said and I quote, ‘There is no point to waste resources to locate a family member for you to live with when you are going to be adults in a week.’” I got silent while trying to compose myself and stop the images from replaying in my mind.
. . .
Sarah
When he stopped talking the weight of what he just said hit me. He watched his parents die. He was looking away from me as if he were feeling everything over again. I grabbed his hand because I suddenly understood the purpose of my gift as an empath. I was to help people deal with their emotions and it starts with the person right in front of me. I grab his hands that are folded in his lap and start taking on his emotions. While I do so I can start categorizing all of the scents he is giving off because with every emotion I focus on the scent becomes stronger. His sorrow and pain filled with the resolution that he can’t fix it because it’s too late, fills my senses. I can hear him processing everything in his mind and wait. He will stop reliving that day sooner or later.
He finally looks up and into my eyes and seems to find the strength to continue. “When our 18th birthday came around we decided that even though we just lost our parents we needed to celebrate it. We got up in the morning and went to Village Inn, as we lived in Nebraska at the time, and sat there eating in silence. Both of us had many things running through our minds but it was strange because after a few minutes our thoughts synchronized somehow and it sounded like we had two separate thought streams in the same mind. I stopped thinking and my stream faded and I looked up at my brother. I heard the sorrow in his thoughts about our parents and what to do now. I told him, ‘I know we can’t keep going on as we are but what are we going to do.’ I watched uncertainly as his head snapped up and he looked at me with curiosity.
He responded to the question I unknowingly asked in his mind, ‘What did you say?’
‘I said, ‘I know we can’t keep going on as we are but what are we going to do.’ At this he got wide eyed, called the waitress over, we paid and left. He took me to the car, told me to get in the passenger seat and we went home to our quiet, lonely house. I had no idea that I had spoken in his mind or why he was freaking out because I didn’t realize until later that I was tuning out his thoughts. When we got home we went to the living room and explained why he freaked out. I would have thought he was joking if not for how he reacted. So I decided to test his theory, I went into the bathroom, spoke to him and my lips didn’t move. It was the confirmation I was looking for and that exact day we had Demitri show up on our doorstep saying that we were basically victims of experimentation. Luckily, he didn’t tell us it was our parents fault till we got here.”
I couldn’t fathom being told just after my parent’s death that they were the reason that I could never have a normal life. I am having issues with my parent’s deceit and they died seven years ago when I was 16. As the thought passes through my mind I have to stop and think, when did he say his parents were killed?
“How many years ago were your parents killed?” I ask thinking it was strange and to see if my theory was right.
“Seven years ago. Why?” Lamar responds, oblivious to the connection.
With this new revelation I abruptly stand up and grab his hand. This can’t be just a coincidence.
“We need to go talk to the others. Where would they be right now?” I ask Lamar frantically as I am practically dragging him to the door and over to the elevator while I wait for a response.
“They are probably in one of the entertainment rooms. Those are all in a row one of them being the room that you woke up in. I could ask Marco if you want.” Lamar responds and walks up beside me when the elevator finally opens.
“Yes, please ask Marco and make sure they are all there. Have him keep them there if you can.” We are in the elevator and holding it until we know what floor they are on. Lamar goes into a trance like state while he is talking to Marco. That is just creepy. I wonder if he has ever done that in front of me before. As I finish the thought he says, “They are all in the billiards room playing pool, they’ll be there when we get there. They’re on floor 13.”
As I press the button a thought pops into my mind. So I say, a little disturbed at my realization, “Why was I in an entertainment room?”
He looked away sheepishly and answered in a small voice, “Well, we wanted to make sure that someone was around when you woke up and if you were in one of the entertainment rooms we wouldn’t be bored. We didn’t know when to expect you to wake up so we didn’t want to be left with the only option of watching you sleep. We thought that would be a little creepy. That and it is on the same floor as the infirmary and we really didn’t want to carry you too far.” Conceding his point, the elevator dinged and we exited. I allowed him to lead the way since he knew where we were going.
I still had to try to calm myself while going through the chrome halls as my memories flooded back to me. We finally came to a stop in front of a door that looked exactly like all the others and I was left with the question of how they are able to tell the difference between them. Lamar opened the door and stuck his hand into the room while saying, “Ladies first.”
When I went in I saw Dylan, Marco, and Demitri standing in a dim room surrounding a pool table, each with a cue in their hands. I walked forward into the room while all the guys watch me. Wow, they are really into staring. I decided to just go right out there and say it. “Ok, I need you all to tell me what ages you guys were when your parent or parents died.”
The awkwardness in the room was obvious as I could smell their pain. It is so weird being able to tell someone’s emotions by smell. I decided to wait, as I didn’t want to be rude and inconsiderate to their memories. Five minutes passed before I said something.
“Look, I know that this is hard and probably rude but when I get my point you will understand.” I say as calmly as I can with what I just realized.
Demitri is the first one to answer, “I was 18”
I looked toward Dylan expectantly and after a few minutes he finally responded, “Mine died when I was 13” After he said that I was sure that I was right.
“Ok everyone, do the math. We all lost our parents seven years ago. My question is why all at the same time?” When I said that, everyone was confused and I could tell some were getting scared as I could hear their hearts speed up. “Personally, I think that it was purposeful. What I don’t understand is who would do it, or what their motive was.” As my brain reeled with the thought of who would kill our parents I didn’t realize that something was behind me until I felt a scaly arm grab me around the waist. I took a deep breath in and looked up, noticing the wide eyes for a few seconds before the lights and colors started to swirl. The last thing I recognize before I succumb to the darkness seeping into my vision, is the faint whisper in my ear, “You’re mine.”
. . .
Lamar
Oh my god. He took her, that thing took her. I can’t believe I let my guard down. How could I do something so stupid? He issues a threat not three hours ago and I just forget. Oh my god, where could he have taken her? What if he took her down to the core? No, that’s not an option. My mind goes through so many possibilities as I am pacing around the room. I can’t believe she is just gone. I looked up and he flashed behind her, grabbed her and disappeared. The others are staring between me and where she was. They are all as stunned as I am. I can see Marco walk towards me but it doesn’t register as I am mentally freaking out and have shut down. I feel his hands on my shoulders, and finally look at his face. Thankfully he talks to me in my mind and not out loud.
“You need to calm down. I get that you’re freaking out right now but that’s not going to bring her back.” Marco thinks calmly to me.
“You don’t understand! What if he took her to the core? What then, how are we supposed to get her back then!?” I respond frantically feeling more emotional than when my parents died in front of me.
“He can’t.” Marco responds cryptically. I stop thinking, as I am too stunned to do so.
I respond tentatively, “How do you know that?”
“I read his DNA report. Don’t ask how I got it, but it said on his chart that they were able to isolate that gene and remove it.”
At this revelation I calmed down slightly. He is on the earth. At this, at least half of my worries became null and void allowing me to calm down enough to think a little more logically.
“So, where would he take her?” Demitri says
“I don’t know but I know how to find out.” Dylan says with a mischievous gleam in his eye and a smile playing at the corner of his mouth.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Flame here! Happy Review Day!
"Ok" is too reflective of text-talk. I'd recommend spelling it out (okay), just to establish that dash of formality.
No need for the comma.
Quick lesson on dialogue: If a period concludes it, but the period's followed by a speaker's tag, then the period should be replaced with a comma and the speaker's tag should be uncapitalized, like: "Congratulations, you're catching on," she said sarcastically.
(Sorry if I was confusing in my other reviews
This paragraph was enormous. Put it on a diet, okay? Or break it down into pieces.
And, while I'm at it, your clauses spanned...impressive lengths. Trick's to monitor your use of prepositions and adverbs, cut down on the commas, break down sentences, isolate fragments. Use all the tools at your expense. It's not just that briefer clauses look attractive, they snare the reader's attention and emphasize an idea, make it look shiny and important.
I'd recommend replacing that period with a comma, and inserting a period inside the quotation marks. The number "18" should also be spelt out.
I'd recommend going with past participle here, so as not to confuse the reader: "He's responded to the question..."
So the characters are being fleshed out, and the exposition's developing well. I wish I could say more than "my eyes were glued to the screen." The plot is so well-executed, the pacing well-measured, and the flow flawless. But if I can be harsh for just one second--I'd appreciate a little more description on their surroundings. Not a lot. Just a little.
Keep up the good work! Looking forward to more!
Thanks and I will try to incorporate a little more surrounding detail. I know that I try to let the reader mentally fill in those descriptions but I get that it's good to slightly lead the reader.
No problem!
Review time! Yayyyyyy. Just so you know, I don't review unless you already have one review. So far I am liking the story. I read it when it first came out but I have been lazy lately to review. I am going to make it up to you now!
1. Capitalization- this one is for show. Everything that should be capitalized was capitalized
2. Spelling errors- also for show. Nothing in here was misspelled.
3. Punctuation- ha! I laugh thinking about it. Nope, nothing needs to be punctuated.
Like the rest this is awesome like the rest. Keep writing. People are expecting more things. I know after a couple chapters it is a bit hard to think of something but I'll be happy to help and so would the rest YWS for that manner!
~lost
Well the biggest issue I am having with chapter 2 is that I don't know where to go. I am figuring it out and about half way done with it though.
that should say chapter 6, not 2.
This is really good and I'm glad that you keep writing it. There was a point that I was slightly confused when the demon grabbed Sarah. I would definitely like to keep reading more of this. Even if you don't get reviews right away, I will tell you right now that I will keep reading the rest of your story. It's coming along great, just keep running with it.