Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
This is only part of the chapter, there is going to be more soon but I wanted to get feedback on what I have so far since I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of it at this point. Suggestions are always accepted on both quality of content and subject of content.
Chapter 12
Sarah
I open my eyes when I feel the ground solidify under my feet. Finally we are home, my nerves are so frayed. Ramos lets go of my arm and steps back just to stand there looking at me. What the hell is his problem? God he acts like a butler. Frustrated, I confront him on it, “Are you going to be completely formal throughout this whole thing or are you actually going to act like a normal human being?”
“I am not a human being so how can I act like one?”
“IT’S A METAPHORE! It means are you going to act normal and show feelings or are you just going to stand around doing things any time I ask?! While a servant is great, I don’t need one and if that’s all you’re going to be then you can go be someone else’s!” I storm up the stairs and feel a tingling run through my body. I don’t think anything of it and keep walking. What is wrong with him, ever since we left Enki’s he has been so detached. I reach the living room and stop as I hear Lamar, ‘There are a lot of things going down right now that have to do with why you can make fire. If I’m correct, you might even find out who you really are and maybe what you are.’ I smile and lean up against the door frame and wait till he’s done talking to my little brother. While I wait, I look around. I can’t believe all that’s happened why can’t I just have a semi-normal life? I wish I had an overrated life, it would be so much easier. Hearing him finish his speech I decide to send a little message, “Nice speech”. I watch as he spins around. He looks right at me but seems to be looking through me. I hear him say, “Sarah?”.
“I’m right here, what are you blind now?”
He looks around the room frantically as I stare on confused. What is that? I think as I see something in my doorway. Turning towards the door, I see a shadow. What the hell!? I try shouting at it but my voice doesn’t work. SHIT! I mentally get Lamar’s attention, “Lamar, what the fuck, who let the shadow man into my house and why the hell can’t I speak now?”
“Sarah I have no idea where you are or what you are talking about.” As Lamar finishes, there is a banging on the floor in the kitchen. I start to turn but hesitate as the shadow starts to advance. My choice is made for me when I hear a gasp and turn to see Ramos sitting on the floor leaning over a body. “What the fuck?” I ask. Within seconds, I am right by him and realize, that’s me. I see Ramos start to frantically look over my body, listening to my heart beat, trying to find a reason for this. I go to turn around and ask Lamar what is going on when all of the sudden I can’t breathe. When my breath comes back, I see Lamar in front of me. That’s not good.
“Um, Lamar, there is something wrong. You just went through me.” I see when he hears me because he stops in his tracks and my brother pushes him to the side to get to me. “Awe, Tito does care.” I think distractedly until Lamar responds, “What is going on Sarah. How can I have gone through you?”
“You’re asking me?! How the hell am I supposed to know? First, there is this shadow thing by the door! Then, when I come to see what the sounds are all about in the kitchen, I see my body on the floor!” As what I said dawns on me, I start to turn back to where the shadow figure was. “Oh, shit.” I think as I see a group of people in front of me with machetes. Before I can react, two figures step in front of me. Where the hell did they come from?
Labcoats? Strange. I think as I watch them charge at the group. I stand there, confused and disoriented as to who would fight for me when a machete comes flying towards me. I duck and let instincts take over. I try and use my empathy to push emotions into them. This has to work. I try for a few seconds until something dawns on me. Duh, haven’t created a link yet. I roll my eyes at my ignorance and hear Lamar call from behind me. I rush over to the hybrid group now around my body and ask, “Lamar, what happened?”
“Your eyes rolled. Sarah where are you and why can I still hear you in my head?”
“I don’t know, I think I’m on an alternate plane or something because I can see everything. you are here but there are also beings that are in an all-out war over here and people appearing out of thin air.”
I watch as Lamar relays the message but don’t hear the words he says. Before I can think of why I could hear him before and not now, I feel arms wrap around me and am jerked back. As someone lifts me up I say, “Whoa, I don’t think so” and, getting my arms free, I elbow him in the side of his head.At this I fall from his grasp and roll away from him. As I get into fighting stance, I hear Lamar respond, “What, what’s happening?”
“Nothing I can’t handle.” I instantly feel a knife at my throat and an arm around my waist and remember, I’m not normal. I close my eyes and focus on her energy and that of the one who grabbed me previously and start draining them. As I do I faintly hear Lamar, “Good, I don’t know what you’re doing but keep it up, you’re coming back to us.” I pull harder on their energy until I see strings in a knot in their chest unravel. As this happens in my mind, I feel the hold on me loosen. When the string is completely straight and starts to fade. Oh my god, it dawns on me what I’m doing as I feel the arms drop from around me as the woman collapses. I stop. I’m not a killer. I say as a mantra in my mind and open my eyes to realize that the person who was holding me is gone along with the one who picked me up. Threads of life? I question as I start to get really faint and collapse. The Houdini labcoats lean over me and stare at me. I am too far gone to recognize them. My head falls to the side as energy rushes out of me. I look and can see my body move. This better work. The last thing I remember is the feeling of their energy. All the emotion flowing through me. At this, I let the darkness steal my mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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While a servant is great, I don’t need one and if that’s all you’re going to be then you can go be someone else’s!
This is just a personal preference, but I think ...then you can go somewhere else flows better.
“IT’S A METAPHORE! It means are you going to act normal and show feelings or are you just going to stand around doing things any time I ask?!
Metaphor doesn't have an E.
I go to turn around and ask Lamar what is going on when all of the sudden I can’t breathe.
I would like to ask what is going on. Why is her body there? If she was only in her spirit before, you should hint at it somewhere.
I'd like to compliment your descriptions, apart from that last nitpick, you described everything really well. I had a clear image in my head most of the time.
That's all I need to say! I really hope that you keep writing, you have an excellent story coming along.
Hey! Magenta here for a quick review of your work. Happy Review Day, by the way. Wait, that rhymed!
Anyway, I just wanted to say a few things about your piece.
[bI open my eyes when I feel the ground solidify under my feet. Finally we are home, my nerves are so frayed.[/i]
This sentences needs a couple of commas, and then it will be good to go. I I would put commas after the words eyes and fianlly[/b].
I like the interjected thoughts that you've placed throughout your story. It helps the reader understand their thinking and it helps to build up your characters. Although, you don't want to overdo it or make them seem confused. Most of their thoughts are exclamations or questions that don't necessarily have to be there, but I can understand why most of them are there.
You wrote...
“IT’S A METAPHORE! It means are you going to act normal and show feelings or are you just going to stand around doing things any time I ask?! While a servant is great, I don’t need one and if that’s all you’re going to be then you can go be someone else’s!”
I believe that the correct spelling is [i]metaphor with no e at the end. For the second sentence of this part, I would try to make some grammatical sense of it. I feel that she is ranting on with no end or beginning either. I would just suggest changing that.
And for the rest of the piece, there was not much that I would change. Hope to have helped you and I can't wait for more of your writing.
- Magenta
Thank you for the feed back. I am glad that you read it and if you haven't read the previous chapters it would be great if you could and give some feed back there as well. Thank you again and I hope you enjoy the book.
Okay! Sorry for a lot of typos in my review. Glad to give feedback!