Sarah
As consciousness slowly seeped back in, I realized I was still on the same couch I was last night. I didn’t want to move. I was warm and comfortable right where I was. I snuggled back and realized that someone was behind me. The thought is fleeting as I drift back to sleep. When the cold seeps back in, I’m finally cognizant enough to recognize my surroundings as the events of last night come back to me. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to discern what was going on. While trying to blink the sleepiness out of my conscious mind I realize someone is conversing with the person at my back. The silhouette of a man comes into view, and the conversation becomes discernable to my slowly awakening mind.
“Look, it’s not my fault she discovered another ability and blacked out. I wasn’t going to leave her, first because I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain by breaking contact, and second because she doesn’t understand our world yet.” I immediately recognize the hushed voice at my back as Lamar and am startled to be looking at a man, who is sitting on the couch in front of me that looks exactly like Lamar. As soon as he responds though I know it isn’t him
“Oh really, even if that were true, I know you. You want normalcy and honesty and she is the only one that can give you that.” the mystery man responds while pointing in my direction. I realize that they haven't shown any signs of noticing I’m awake. As I complete that thought the mystery man turns his head towards me and stares right into my eyes.
“Speaking of the mysterious newbie. Hi, I’m Marco. If you haven’t discerned it yet, I’m Lamar’s brother.”
Before I can even get a chance to respond I hear a voice come from behind me. As I look back there is another guy standing behind the couch, with his hands on the back of the couch and a smirk on his face, who says “And I’m Dylan.”
It’s going to take a little bit to remember all these names. Just as I finish the thought I hear another voice from by the door.
“And before you ask, I’m Demitri.”
I look over towards the door, and leaning against the door frame is yet another guy. As I try to wake my brain up enough to understand who these guys are and why they are here, I hear a voice come from behind me, but this one is more familiar than the rest
Lamar states, “Well now that that’s taken care of, we have the little situation of you passing out last night.”
As he finishes his statement and looks down at me, I remember the odd predicament I’m in, as I’m laying on the couch with the arms of a man, that I don’t know, around me so that I don’t pass out. I swear if my parents were here they wouldn’t survive my wrath. I sigh and say with resignation, “Look, are all of you caught up on our predicament or do I need to explain it? If I don’t, do any of you know how to help?”
“Ooh, feisty.” Dylan, the one behind the couch says with a giant grin on his face.
When I glare up at Dylan, Marco responds, “To answer your question, yes we have all been brought up to speed. There are documents about empaths, which is the ability that you are showing. The way you get out of your little predicament, as you call it, is to try to keep the link going while severing the touch because once that link is severed, it is quite painful, as you seem to have figured out. Given this, we have never experienced it so we don’t know how you are to do this.”
Through the entirety of Marco’s speech Dylan walked over and took a seat to the right of Marco on the couch across from us. I redirect my attention to Marco and respond, “So basically, I get this right or I pass out. Great, that’s just wonderful.”
Now all of them are fighting to hide their smiles. This is going to be really frustrating. First thing I need to figure out is how to hold onto the link but sever the skin to skin touch. Maybe if I try to imagine a cord holding the link. Well, the only way to see if it works is to try it. With this figured out I start to say, “Ok Lamar, we need to sit up but keep your right arm around my shoulder, when we are sitting up and only move your arm when I tell you.”
Tentatively Lamar asks, “Are you sure? If you’re wrong it’ll hurt.”
With a frustrated huff I say, “ Don’t you think I know that, I think I can fix this and if it doesn’t work, I will pass out and when I wake up again we will try something else but I’m not going to be stuck at someone else’s side for who knows how long.”
I can feel Lamar hesitantly give up as the others can’t help but laugh. Lamar lifts his left arm off of my stomach as I sit up and then he, while keeping his right arm around my shoulder, slowly sits up right. As I instruct him that I will let him know when to move, I start to focus on seeing the link. I start saying, “Now, slowly move your arm up and off of my shoulder” when he starts to do this I see a ribbon in my mind that starts to extend from me to him linking us, “Now, slowly put your arm to your side, and wait until I tell you that you can move” I say to him while watching it happen in my mind, I see this ribbon stop when he stops and I can imagine it extending more and wrapping around a spool that is suspended between us. When I finish with this, I open my eyes and say, “Ok, now you can move.”
I’m looking at the space between us and can see a translucent shimmer of where the ribbon is. I finally look up and see Lamar looking at me in awe. I look around to Marco, Dylan, and Demitri and realize they are all looking at me the same way. This is so ridiculous. Frustrated, I finally say “Are you all going to continue to stare at me or are you going to explain shit, because I could really use a few answers.”
This snaps them back into reality as I scoot towards the right arm of the couch that I’m on, giving Lamar and I some space, and bring my legs up and lay them bent on the couch.
Demitri casually asks calmly, “What would you like to know?” as he moves to sit between Dylan and Marco across the couch from Lamar and I.
“First of all, are you all hybrids, and if so, then were you all on the team that came and got me?”
“Yes, and yes.” Demitri responds. I start thinking of what else I want to know but before I can ask, Dylan interrupts my thoughts
“If we’re answering your questions do you mind if we ask some of our own?” As I ponder his request Lamar starts reprimanding Dylan for being rude until I interrupted him,
“No, he’s being reasonable. How ‘bout this, I ask two questions and then you guys ask a question.”
“Hey, but that’s not fair! Why do you get to ask two questions and us only one?” Dylan responds in a huff.
“Because, there are four of you and I can promise you I have more questions than you do.”
Dylan tries to respond with a smart remark but before he can get the words out of his mouth Demitri responds, answering for the four of them, “I think that’s reasonable.”
Lamar is the first one to ask the questions, “Why were you living isolated in the mountains?”
“Let’s just say I’m not a people person.” I respond, “Ok, how old are all of you and how many other hybrids have you found?” I ask.
“I’m 24 and to answer your second question, including us there are three other hybrids that have been tracked and monitored. We try not to interfere with their lives unless deemed necessary, like in your case, and usually only tell them what happened to them when they show signs of them developing their abilities.” I hear Lamar respond.
Dylan comments next saying energetically, “I’m the youngest so far at 20.”
Demitri says, “I’m 25.” with a slight nod of his head as he states the fact.
Then Marco comes up with a smart ass comment saying, “I bet you can guess it. Let me give you a hint I look exactly like my brother.”
Accepting the underlying challenge in his voice, I respond with a straight face, “Oh really, I hadn’t noticed. I thought you looked like Jack the Ripper, you know, you just give off that kind of vibe. I should know I am the empath.”
Demitri, Dylan, and Lamar burst out laughing while Marco sits there with his mouth open and eyes wide as he stutters, “Excuse me?” with a small smile starting at the corners of his mouth as he struggles to stop from laughing.
“I didn’t think I stuttered, although I think I nearly rendered you speechless.” I respond with a cocky smile. After a few minutes of uninterrupted laughter I finally say “Ok, what’s your guys’ next question?”
“When did you move to the cabin in the Rocky’s?” Demitri asks
“Right after I graduated, I got the cabin to get away from the annoying pitiful glances that I got in my small home town.” I didn’t give them time to process what I had said before going on to my next question. “So where exactly are we, geographically speaking, and please hold off on the smart-assed remarks.”
Lamar responds, “You remember me telling you that Aran, the Abarimon, was sent to an underground facility in Lyons, Colorado?”
Impatiently, I respond, “Yes I” I start to say before the implication hits me, “Wait, you're telling me that we are in an underground government facility that is holding the same demon that tried to attack me?”
Lamar, “Well, when you put it that way. . . “
“Wonderful, you have one breach, wrangle it back up just before I get clobbered and then you put me in the same facility it’s in, knowing you have faulty security, beautiful idea.” I say under my breath, not expecting anyone to hear me. When I finish saying what I was, I notice all of them are looking at me wide eyed, clearly astonished that I would say something like that. I merely roll my eyes and ask, “You guys seem to look at me like that a lot, am I just awe inspiring or are you just not used to people giving you their honest opinions?”
Demitri is the first person to snap out of his trance like state and respond, “Honestly, I never thought of it that way, and personally, I have never had anyone who speaks so brazen to me.” The others simply nod slowly their heads in agreement mouths still gaping and eyes still wide.
With a sigh I say, forgetting my questioning, “Well, if you are going to keep me here you might as well show me where the kitchen is so I can at least make something to eat because frankly, I haven’t eaten in a while, and I have no idea what time it is.”
Marco pulls out his smart phone and says, “It’s almost 11 in the morning.”
“And when did I black out the first time.” I respond trying to give them the hint and get an idea of how long I have been here.
Lamar is the first one to respond, “You blacked out Saturday around three in the afternoon and it’s Wednesday morning. So, you have been here almost four days.”
“My point exactly, I haven’t eaten in over three days and I would love for one of you to show me where the kitchen is.” I respond snidely in an attempt to hide my surprise of being here for so long.
Dylan says, albeit too cheerfully, “Ok, all people going to the kitchen, follow me.” Then, before anyone could respond, he was up and walking out the door.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This will be my final review for an hour or two. I'm here to get you out of the green room. I have already read your first chapter and is pretty good. I wasn't disappointed with this one.
You have language so I would rate it 12+ for the language. You overused a term that mentioned below. I didn't notice at first until I read the comment below. You had some grammatical mistakes but I won't dare repeat them.
It is pretty good. I want to read chapter 3 and 4 but I am growing weary and I am at school.
Keep writing!
Flame here! Amazing work, once again. I can't wait to see how this all turns out!
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Just a few minor errors...
When I began this, I was distracted by the term "fleeting thought." It worked well both times in the previous chapter, but you don't want to overuse it. Be creative; I know that you're capable of that!
Now I would recommend spelling out "okay" instead of writing "ok." This is formal writing; don't make it seem like you're sending an e-mail
Same things with grammar (forgotten commas, run-ons, and such), and there's no point in repeating myself, so I'll just wrap this up.
Loved it, overall. I'm aching now to take a look at Chapters 3 and 4. Keep up the good work!
I really enjoyed this second chapter! I reviewed the first chapter of The Hybrids, and I saw that Chapter Two was up.
First, you should rate this 12+ for language, because I skimmed through and saw you swore a bit. There were little to no grammar errors, no period on "As soon as he responds though I know it isn’t him", "As he finishes his statement and looks down at me, I remember the odd predicament I’m in, as I’m laying on the couch with the arms of a man, that I don’t know, around me so that I don’t pass out." is a really long sentence, and lots of your dialogue punctuationis incorrect. Aside from that, there were no other grammar, spelling, or formatting issues.
Aside from that, I only had one other issue with this chapter: language. You use quite simple language most of the timme, and I like the, but you then throw in words like, "albeit" and "cognizant" and they just don't feel right.
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. I can't wait to find out what happens to Sarah, Dylan, Lamar, and Demitri. When will your next chapter be up? I WANT IT!
Anyways,
Alex out!
thanks the next chapter will probably be out within the next week or so, I will reply on this chapter when the third one is out and it will be under the same genre as the previous two but thanks for the review and the comment, I wasn't qute sure if I should rate it or not so thanks.