I don't know what I want, at least I don't when I have it
I lost him forever, by the force of bad habit
my mind's made of mesh
my words trapped in foam
stuck in my throat, muffling truths I yearn to croak
I breathe to feel
but when I feel I choke
leaving a trail of mishapen goals
a series of wants and a series of faults
wounded by trying, longing for hope
hoping to long for something solid and brave
all my ideas
stars out of reach
glistening behind darkness, but when the light is reached
falling and whining and crying and dying
because my heart is breached
ugly and tired, desired and admired
tipping with false hope, failure, empty with promise
begging for love, hating being known
I don't know what I want
because having it makes me hate it
let me love something with purpose and patience
I'm starting to worry, I move like the ocean
open and honest, loud and a promise
of adventure and luck, but shock when you see
I'll spit you out faster than your heart can say please.
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137,392 Literary Works • 671,999 Reviews
Hi Io! Welcome to YWS (or nice seeing you for the first time). Here on behalf of the Knights of the Green Room and Team Tortoiss!
love this. It's very relatable. It isnt a particularly unique thing to recognize, but the way you put it here really tickles me the right way.
So, hear I would cut muffling to improve the rhythm of the rhymes.
However, as the poem goes on the rhyming scheme and meter are both kind of all over the place. In the beginning it feels very tight but then we start rhyming within lines. While you can change rhyme schemes throughout a poem or song, and writers often do, this felt like so many different changes in a very quick period of time, and mixed with these lists like "ugly and tired and, desired" etc it makes it a bit tricky to follow through the first read because my brain keeps wanting to get into a rhythm.
You also rhyme reached with reach. I would search for another word to replace one of those.
I do think you capture the tug-of-war with wanting intimacy while fearing closeness and rejection. There are contradictions throughout that show an unsteady narrator who isnt willing ro admit one way or another what they really want.
~Messy
Hello Ip! I like your poem and feel it is a very relatable human experience.
This sounds like a poem of contradiction. Desiring connection but also hating it. Wanting to speak but being unable to. The human condition in a nutshell. We often think in binary limits but function in the gray areas of life. It can be truly frustrating. We can only hope to transform the duality within ourselves into something useful and beautiful as you have done here.
Have a great night!