the numbers on those
shiny wrappers keep adding up;
but somehow, i stagnate in a pool
of self-hatred and inadequacy.
i feel a hole in my stomach,
and like a sieve,
i can never quite fill it
full enough to satisfy.
my stomach churns in turmoil,
aggravated by abuse
in the form of endless
empty calories spilling inside me.
empty wrappers reflect
this empty heart and full stomach.
i want to fill myself to bursting
so i can feel something.
(all i feel is bad)
maybe the reason i feel so sick
is because i am.
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139,754 Literary Works • 672,699 Reviews
Hi there inktopus I am hear to do a review on your poem, the numbers on those this is stranch in away all so I think that you need to poot a comer at the end of this sentens, but somehow, i stagnate in a pool comer or a fool stop hear and what egsaktliy dos stagnate mean, and like a sieve, this is good but in a nother way it is a bit stranch to me, i can never quite fill it that end bit is a bit stranch in away and you nead a comer there I think, this is all so a bit stranch to me in away, by the way the poem is a good lenth, that is all I can say about it so keap up with the good work.
From @MoonFlower
Is English your first language?
Hey
I want to preface my review by saying I read this through the lens of being about an eating disorder rather than a failed diet or something like that. Philosophically, I don't believe poetry does (or should) have one single objective meaning, so I think it can be helpful to know what other people are seeing so you can adjust appropriately to convey whatever it is you're trying to convey.
I think the heart of poetry is trying to say things differently; you're getting to that heart here, but I think you can push yourself further. A few examples:
Your opening stanza is interesting, but it feels as though it hasn't fully developed just yet. This stanza in particular, but also the rest of your work, could benefit from specificity. Your first words ("the numbers on those shiny wrappers") doesn't do it for me. There's no reason not to just to say calories; use the word itself but try to pull interesting active verbs to use with it. (If the piece was mine to re-work, I'd use "kcals" rather than "calories" since that's how I always talk about it with other people in the ED/recovery community, but I'm not sure if that's the perspective you want to get across.)
Additionally, you finish out this stanza by telling: "a pool of self-hatred and inadequacy." Don't tell me that, show me. The old adage applies to poetry too! A younger me was very familiar with that particular type of pool, so I can say that there are generally outward indicators of poor self-esteem. Pull these, whether they're personal or not.
This is the same basic criticism. I want more punch; you've not quite distilled this down fully, but you have good elements that could be pushed just a bit farther. You've called your stomach a hole and a sieve in the same breath; pick one and flesh it out. (Sieve is the more apt/powerful of the two.)
You're hitting empty really hard here, and I think it would benefit you to pull back on that. It's not a very evocative word (for me, at least) and you could use something less safe and make this stanza a real standout.
Overall, I want more abstraction. I don't think that necessarily means that the poem is harder to understand; good poetry should, in my opinion, open up a moment and walk reader's through it rather than giving us a moment to look at. (Anne Carson, one of my favorite poets, shares the sentiment; she has a really interesting interview in the Paris Review, I believe, that details this philosophy along with many other things.) This piece didn't walk me through the moment, but there's something here, beyond a shadow of a doubt. While it didn't rush over me like I wanted, something here grabbed my hand and pulled me in.
If you have any questions let me know (feel free to PM!) I'm always down to clarify or to discuss poetic philosophies.
Best,
Ry
I'm glad that you interpreted the poem the way you did. It's difficult to see what I wrote as an eating disorder be trivialized as a failed diet. Thank you for the comments. If I ever go back to this poem, I will definitely keep this advice in mind, and I'll be sure to consider it when I write poetry in the future!
Hey, Onii-Chan here!
This is extremely relatable! I eat junk food all the time and feel like this. You perfectly captured the feeling of feeling crummy. One thing, though, (its a tiny thing don’t worry) is that using the idea of wrappers was good, I just think using it once is good. Keeping a broad vocabulary helps a lot on keeping your poem look professional. The poem is...
Sugoi!~
(Impressive in Japanese)
Keep on writing!
Radrook here for a review
trying to be of help to you.
If by chance I do offend,
I apologize my friend.
Now that all this has been said
Let’s proceed. Let's go ahead.
Thanks for sharing this poem about trying to diet but failing to stay on course. Funny how muscles that we work furiously to acquire go away quickly while the fat that we easily pack on refuses to.
The part that most concerns me about the poem is that the poet expresses self hatred. Sometimes that idea tends to creep in. If things are going so badly, maybe we must deserve it. But the truth is that an inability to refrain from eating certain foods and gain weight has nothing to do with being a good or a bad person. It just has to do with our ability or inability to have self control.
One problem is that some food tastes so good that when we feel depressed it is the one thing that alleviates depression. We are being nice to ourselves while the world’s being cruel . If we refrain from eating then we feel that we are joining the enemy against ourselves and so we gorge. I know it happens to me as well, Especially with ice cream potato chips and pork rinds. So I know exactly what you feel and can definitely relate to this poem.
About the poem itself, well, you choose not to use conventional punctuation and that does call attention to itself and away from content too much sometimes in so poems. That’s one reason why some poets avoid it. Another reason is that it might cause choppy reading by the confusion it might cause. But your poem avoids doing that and the non traditional punctuation did not interfere with my understanding nor the flow of the read..
The poem conveys the sadness self-hatred and intense frustration and elicits empathy and compassion very effectively. So if that is one of it’s purposes, it succeeded. It also uses imagery such as piles of wrappers piling up, a ravenous insatiable hole, empty heart vs full stomach, etc which separates it conclusively from mere prose.
Suggestion
Feeling bad is indeed something. It is feeling bad. So maybe that needs to be modified in some way.
Looking forth to reading more of your work.
Hey Ink! It's been a long time since I've reviewed anything so hopefully this is helpful!
I really like this poem and since the last time I've read some of your poetry it's seemed you've really grown a lot as a poet and that's really inspiring to see. I think the flow and just the way your broke up the lines and stanzas was nearly perfect and the ending to this poem was so so good! The emotional build-up also seeming like the narrator is having a meltdown until the last phrase was just really excellent.
There were some wording issues that I found, like the use of the world "turmoil" in the third stanza was a little odd. I'm not sure what other words would work better but I don't think "turmoil" is the best fit. There was also some not pleasant repetition with the word "empty" which I think you did on purpose, but, while I love repetition, I don't really like that. Most of the issues I found were just odd wordings aka things that can be easily fixed.
I noticed while reading this poem that you tend to say things or explain statements afterwards which doesn't sound that great and kind of awkward. For example,
I think the fact that you have to clarify your statements shows that there is a problem with them. It's good to explain things but it's so obvious that you're clarifying that it doesn't work. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Honestly I think just removing "in the form" could fix this.
I don't really know what this means but I do really like this stanza (the line that comes after this is so good). I think you need to change it to "until i'm bursting" or something like that.
Now that I'm reading over your poem one more time before I hit submit, I noticed that in the first stanza you used really big words that kind of are a mouthful like "stagnate" and "inadequacy" though it's good to use challenging vocabulary it kind of throws off the flow so I would be wary of that. I think I've already said this, but, the ending is probably my favorite part of the whole poem.
marms
Thanks for the review! I'm really proud of my progress as a poet (I just found out I won an award for a poem I entered in a competition!). It's heartening to hear someone else say that I've grown. Your comments are duly noted, and I'll definitely keep them in mind if I ever come back to this. I'll also be sure to use your advice on wording in my future writing!
Your welcome! And, omg, congratulations! That's amazing!
Hello!
Temptress here to give you a reveiw :3
First off I'd like to apoligize in advance in case I offend you in any way. I'd also like to say that I thought your poem was very well written and I enjoyed it a lot.
Now for the reveiw!
The first thing I noticed was that you haven't used any capitalization. Now I am not sure if you did this on purpose or not but I feel like capitalzation would make it a bit better, however that is just my opinion and it is completly up to you.
The only other thing about your poem was the line "(all i feel is bad)" It seems a bit misplaced and it kind of throws off the flow. Otherwise, everything else seems good.
Keep up the good work!
Until next time,
~Temptress~