Long-Dreaded Severance

Hello there stormcloud and happy national jelly bean day. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

So the past couple of reviewers were vary thorough with their points and such and you don't need much of my presence here. That being said, there's like two or three main things that bother me about this whole thing. The first comes with the inconsistencies in capitalization and no really clear style of going about the form that you were going for. Sometimes the line start out as caps and sometimes they don't and after a bit it started to mess with my mind. I'm thinking that the secondary lines that don't necessarily need the caps, would look better without and follow in the manner of 'pretty darn close to actual grammar rules'. It's actually a pretty chill style to go after and really wouldn't change the flow or feeling of the poem much, at least in my mind of course.

I noticed in one of the replies you were talking about certain restraints to line length and the essence of the rhyming throughout. I think this specific line length here and there, throws the poem a bit too much, in the manner that some of the line breaks are awkward. Like I think if you have to keep those words in a certain order to keep it intact, I think perhaps some added punctuation would behoove you. Take the set of lines in the quote below for example.

I oft forget how much I missed
You when you made me cry.

Just remember two little things before I head out.

and

Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Over the course of the 8 months I've been on this site, I've never read a poem on here out loud. But I read yours out loud. The reason is because the rhythm and rhyme was so on key, it was unbelievable.

Rhymes are dangerous in poetry. They can do two things. Sometimes, the poet is so desperate to get the rhyme in that xe drops the meaning of the poem for even one line and throws the whole thing of course. The other possibility is that the rhyme comes out forced and makes the reader cringe away from the poem.

You didn't do either of these things, and instead pulled off a rhythmic and well rhymed poem. Honestly, Thats hard to do, for the reason I covered above. Overall, bravo for that! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more of your magical rhyming ability!

-Shey

Hello @StormCloud,

Wow. This piece spoke to me so intimately, I could not help but return for several re-reads. It was almost melodic, and ensnaring.

Your words, ironically, could be pulled from my life right now. I am in the midst of a moldering relationship, where both he and I stand in a place of acknowledgement that we don't truly need eachother anymore, but we can't seem to leave that place regardless.

So I feel your pain here.

I love the mornful eloquence you write with, and your phrasing throughout the poem is quite attractive to the ear and eye.


"I will not take another step

Until you say goodbye."

This suggests that the reigns of the relationship are not in the speakers hands. Interesting perspective.

"I oft forget how much I missed

You when you made me cry.


I beg you, don't forget my voice,

remember through the years.

Think back upon that flowered place

I watered with my tears."


Excellent imagery here. Love seeing that the relationship grew from the speaker's pain.


"And in that pretty place, I left

A token of our love.

Beneath the earth a buried box

Inside which lies foxglove."


Beautiful phrasing!


"Its purple bells are crumbling now,

Fine sand inside the chest.

Yet still remains a symbol of

Our failure of the test."


This is where I began to get a little teary eyed...


"Weaker than the hands of time

Our love has turned to dust

And though I beg you not to leave,

I fear and know you must."


There is an air of both acceptance and finality here that is heartbreaking and encouraging. I get the sense that the speaker will be fine in the end, that this is not their 'true match', but they are grieving a loss for certain. I also feel that the speaker is a quite weak. He/she does not have the strength to let go of this person on their own; the speaker is incapable of initiating the goodbye. It is preferable somehow to be unhappily constrained in this relationship than to be free or alone.

"I cannot bear to fare you well.

The duty lands on you.

And once you leave, don't dare turn back,

Away like morning dew.


Ten years from now, I'll still look back

on memories with care.

I hope you think of me the same

Despite this sad affair.


I guess it's time for you to go.

I'll send you on your way.

I wish you luck on this ordeal;

Allow our love to fray."


Beautiful ending. "Allow our love to fray" stuck with me, because I am literally going through it myself.

Thank you for sharing this piece, StormCloud. I don't have any grammatical or punctuation errors to point out, so I apologize if this was not a very constructive review! I hope to see more of your work here on YWS.

Write On,
Mav

Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com