Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if you would look at me the same way
If you knew what - who - I am.
What I like.
Who I like.
It’s said that nothing can overcome a mother’s love.
But sometimes I think that your addiction to religion overshadows your love for me.
And your blind faith in a dusty book of fairy-tales would have you condemn me.
I don’t think you will ever stop loving me, but if you did it would be because of this.
And it would be my f a u l t.
I don’t have to tell you.
I could probably hide for the rest of my life.
And nothing would ever change between the two of us.
We would be fine.
You would be fine.
I don’t think I would.
I would rot from the inside until maggots crawled from my eye sockets.
And slowly, my skin would turn all the colors of a magnificent bruise.
At least until I rot gray and my skin starts to hang off of me in flaps.
I would wither until I was nothing but an empty husk, held up by a scaffolding of bleached white bone.
And you would be all too happy to believe that I was fine.
Because your definition of fine means that your daughter doesn’t like girls.
Your definition of fine means that I can never be happy if I’m to make you happy.
Your definition of fine means that I have to lie to you until you’re buried in the ground with maggots crawling around in your skull.
I can already see the bruises forming on my skin.
I can feel the maggots squirming behind my eyes.
The decay has started.
But it’s okay.
I’m fine.
We’ll all be fine.
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139,754 Literary Works • 672,699 Reviews
Hello!
I really enjoyed reading this piece of poetry. It was very descriptive and I could clearly understand your situation based off of the words that were given to me. I do have a few tiny suggestions though.
Your poem is very well written. If I were the one who wrote it, I would have done a few things differently though. As a poet, I am beginning to understand that our job is to tell a descriptive story using few words. It was once said to me that " If you could tell a story in 7 words or in 24 words. Always go for 7. Other things can be distracting and they can take away from your meaning" I would apply this to the stanza that I copied below.
"I can already see the bruises forming on my skin.
I can feel the maggots squirming behind my eyes.
The decay has started.
But it’s okay."
Sure, this is very nice. But there are words that you could eliminate. I would try to say something more like this:
" The bruises are beginning to form on my skin,
the maggots are squirming behind my eyes
The decay is underway
but it's okay."
Honestly, this is sort of a personal thing, but I do feel like your poetry would benefit from making changes such as the one above. I feel like the style of your poem would improve if you would use some more internal rhyme ( rhyme that takes place inside a line or sentence in poetry) this way, the reader's words will flow while they are reading.
I agree with whoahhitherepal when they said that your imagery was amazing. Keep writing! I \I hope that my review was helpful. Have a good day Stormcloud
hello! Adrian here for a review
first and foremost i want to thank you.
with this piece you were able to put into words what i simply cannot, and i love that.
ive wanted to write something similar to this for quite a while and ive never been able.
so thank you SO MUCH for writing and sharing this masterpiece. i know for sure that i, and probably many others, needed this poem.
a n y h o w
i didnt see any grammar mistakes, someone else might though.
can i just say
the imagery here
" I would rot from the inside until maggots crawled from my eye sockets.
And slowly, my skin would turn all the colors of a magnificent bruise.
At least until I rot gray and my skin starts to hang off of me in flaps.
I would wither until I was nothing but an empty husk, held up by a scaffolding of bleached white bone."
is OUTSTANDING. i had a clear image in my head which *applauds* amazing not many poems, even mine, have done that before.
these lines
"And you would be all too happy to believe that I was fine.
Because your definition of fine means that your daughter doesn’t like girls.
Your definition of fine means that I can never be happy if I’m to make you happy.
Your definition of fine means that I have to lie to you until you’re buried in the ground with maggots crawling around in your skull."
are very powerful and i love them a lot.
overall i absolutely love this poem and i would give it a 9/10 simply because of formatting (im a little picky with formatting haha) but you got your point across very clearly and i loved every word.
amazing work, please, keep it up
i look forward to seeing more from you (please tag me next time!)
have a merry Christmas and an AMAZING day
>Adrian
what about the formatting did you dislike?
i felt like maybe it could have been a little more condensed,
but that's just a personal preference thing.
like making the stanzas longer?
yeah.