Untitled for a reason

Hey there.

I agree with noninjaspresent-- you should stick this in the poetry category. It's powerful. And it really gives me something to think about.
I don't know if you're going to actually change anything on this piece if I suggest it. I don't know if you really need to. It's really pure emotion. It's really clear what you're saying.

There are a few things, that if I were you, or if I was going to show this to somebody, that I would change.
Second line of the second... stanza? Paragraph? I'll call them stanzas. This feels like a poem. Anyway. The line I mentioned should end with a question mark.
First line of the fifth stanza should also end in a question mark.
"Fear of being judged. Of being rejected, or criticized for feelings I should or shouldn’t have." To make some nice symmetry, I suggest breaking this up into sentence fragments like the rest of the stanza. Like this: "fear of being judged. Of being rejected. Criticized for feelings I should have. Or shouldn't." It'll have a nice pattern in there.

I really like how at the end, you leave such a big white space, like you're waiting for a response that can never come before ending with "Yeah, I didn't think so." (While I'm on that line, I suggest changing the ellipses to a comma. It gives it a different attitude. While the way you have it sounds/looks defeated because you're trailing off, a comma gives it a snap: "Yeah, I didn't think so. Go play in traffic." Don't be defeated. Be strong.)

Anyway. Well written. I can really feel the raw emotion. Keep writing. =)

I really think you should've put this under the poetry category. It would have made a marvelous piece in there. Either way, this is still a remarkable piece. In this case, the rose does smell just as sweet by any other name.

There is a lot of truth and passion behind your words. A lot of thought and heart has obviously gone into the writing of this, leaving each word to slot in place as does the final piece in a jigsaw puzzle.

The word choices and the length of those word choices are also excellent, marking perfect intonations that match the nuanced tones and feelings behind each sentence. A really good example of this is the following sentence: "So much so, they must rationalize a lie that sounds so ridiculously untrue it makes you want to spit." The sharp and short words at nearing and through to the end of that sentence had me literally "spitting" each word in my head as I read through it.

Putting small phrases in separate lines and paragraphs also does a fantastic job at emphasising the thoughts behind those words. One great example is when you put "The time has passed." on the next line down from the previous sentence. This really helped intensify the idea.

The italicising of "stuck" once again, did a wonderful job at emphasising that word. I can almost feel the heavy breathing and the baring of teeth as that word is said. There is nothing but a pure, passionate hate in that sentence. It's got a very heavy sense of: this is about you, not me, but you. You've played that out very well.

Though a more negative thing to note is the use of ellipses. I must admit, both uses are completely acceptable, though it is my opinion that different forms of punctuation could have been used for better effect. For changes, the second usage could just have easily been changed to a comma, and the final use to a full stop. It is my feeling that the first use does make the most of the intended affect.

One last thing - the part that I certainly liked the most, was the last little nuance you put into the piece. The space between that second last paragraph and that one final final line really gave me as the reader a moment to pause and think about what had just been asked. The slightly sarcastic and accusing town at the end also made quite the nice touch. I also really liked how it was pointed out that not even the bystanders ate entirely innocent.

Sending my love as always.
- noninjaspresent >(> ==)>*

Hey there!

First nitpicks, since this is a pretty short story and I can pick the tiny details up!

"Do you find it odd that the simmering thread begins to eat away all of the other bonds you’ve made, leaving nothing behind but ash."

This is a question yes? Then there should be a question mark yes?

"How easily you are hated."
This was supposed to be an sentence with impact, but I didn't feel it. Why? The words and the shortness makes it awkward. I think this should be a question too, so you should change it to.

"How easily can you be hated?"

You repeated "so much so" in two consecutive paragraphs. It's not exactly a good thing, and it's also better to have variations.

"a lie that sounds so ridiculously untrue it makes you want to spit."
I think puke would suit better here than spit. Reason being the lie makes you sick, and when you're sick you puke.

Now I don't really get what exactly you're trying to pinpoint here. Are you talking about lies? Or relationships? I don't see a clear subject here, except for the emotional statements of anger and perhaps sadness. Hopefully you'll be able to edit this flash fiction a little to bring out the subject with more clarity.

Hope my review helped! Even though it was mostly nitpicks!