Not for the world

When I first started this poem, I found it somewhat hard to, read because of the, pauses. Let your thoughts flow as freely on the paper as they are from your tongue. The points in particular that caused me to have a really hard time getting past was the first line of the second stanza. These are not complete sentences and although I understand that the use of the period is to show a sense of weight, the weight can be just as great if you break up the idea into two lines with one complete sentence.

For me in poetry, a stanza holds one idea, one key thing that I want to say. It's a filing system for my brain. A poem has one overlaying thought, a question, or a moral that I want to explain. A stanza has one supporting piece to that thought, or one bit of the idea. Each sentence is spread however it best fits. The line is broken into what looks aesthetically nice and what parts of the sentence truly need to go together to make things clear. I can throw away useless things like the, and, an, or, to different lines, but the main part of a line has to be there, and has to be the boldest part of that line. Inside this file structure, I have my sentences which I try to make complete and whole as though I wrote it first in a paragraph, and sometimes I have. After that, I put in commas for pauses to breathe and places to rest or think. Ellipsis (...), for me, are used if, and only if, I have omitted something. Otherwise I use space, line breaks, and the hyphen (-) to express my pause and weight.

Now then, I had to look up casial because I didn't know the word, and Google tells me it is supposed to be casual, which makes more sense then a German casino.

The pause for again makes me think that the speaker is reflecting and saying something like, well, maybe not, "but then again..." especially with the ellipsis in front of it telling me you omitted something.

groes = grows?

The forth stanza confuses me because I have always known veils to be thin paper weight things that you can see through.

The fifth stanza, I would not use quotes around Sorry. It breaks it away from the poem too much and makes me think the speaker is talking for the first time until I read on. It's a different mindset from the meek, sorry, to the dark meaning of a failure to express how sorry the speaker is. The rest of the stanza has a nice flow and is easy to read. At this point I think you've finally gotten into the mind of the speaker and can write clearly.

I see what magpie was talking about with the sixth stanza, and I think I know how to help it. First, you don't specify what is yours. Perhaps you meant "in my mind"? instead of saying in "that's mine!" Second, though starts something with an alternate statement. "Yesterday the cat threw up, though I didn't feed her anything bad." This one here can be completely cut out and you have a stronger statement, as well as a statement that makes sense. Again, I would just put a bunch of spaces to offset most likely towards the middle of the lines instead of putting the ellipsis.

The seventh stanza works well. Again, decide what you want to do about your personal use for ellipsis and be prepared for every review I give you to talk about how I use them to omit things and not to pause and how that is the job of spacing if you decide to stick with it.

The eighth stanza makes me wonder if the other participant is dead because of 'cold fingers' when we haven't learned anything about the area being cold. Perhaps it was supposed to be in Germany? Russia is colder than Germany.

Having so many unsure terms in here really draws away from the poem. I would suggest limiting them or writing about the insecurity instead of the romance.

Overall I think this poem needs some development, and there should be more images to grasp onto. Try what Magpie suggested and write with an image in mind so you can go through and really explore the relationship with a visual setting. Keep Writing.

Hello there.

Wow. That's... I've been in situations like this before. Very relatable. Quite dark.

I was surprised that I liked your rhyme scheme, but I did. It's not too sing-songy for a poem of this nature. It's not too bad.

The sixth stanza confused me a little bit. Maybe it's because I've just woken up. But it feels a little fragment-y.

If I were you, I'd get rid of all the ellipses at the END of the lines. The ones leading up to words are fine, but the ones after make you sound unsure of yourself. Not often do you find situations in writing that call for unsureness. This is not one of those rare times.

I have an idea. There doesn't really seem to be an image throughout that can tie the whole poem together. Since you used the words "audience" and you said the line "as if you've gone through it in your mind/ many times" (which could easily be changed to "you've gone through your lines many times") I think you could change it a little bit to have a theatre image running throughout (but don't mention masks. It's been overdone). But that's just an idea.

I hope this review was helpful. =) happy writing.