When the lights go out
And I'm stranded alone
I'll think of you to comfort my fear
And drive away my anxiety.
My hands will search for you
So you can comfort me.
And my mouth will remember your taste,
While I close my eyes feeling your touch.
I remember you never let me fall.
You were always my shoulder to cry on.
Forever my cave,
Forever my heart.
But I won't pretend you're alone tonight,
I know your with her.
Just don't forget that love is my drug
And you forever will be my dealer.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
this poem was very sweet and i liked it.expressing how you felt in sucha short poem really showed the emotions.the last two lines however were out of place.maybe you could replace them with something else.nice work.
No, no, no, no! This poem started out so sweet, I was expecting a sweet, happy answer! Oh well, it's your poem and you wrote the ending. It was really, really good though. I enjoyed reading it. The flow was great and it has a definite rhythm to it. You put a lot of emotion into this too.
Keep writing!
Hi!
I really liked it! It was short and sweet, also very deep. It was a little confusing in the beginning but that just might be me. Good job and keep up the good work!
Okay, I have a lot to suggestion, so let me get right down to it, but before I do, I just want to say the entire idea is very amiable, but the context may need a little bit of work.
Right off the bat you start off strong. You may just want to tell the reader where you are, so they can get a better feel for the details hidden in this poem.Okay, both of these lines are sweet, I just think you have to pick one and then find a better ending for your first verse. I don’t believe you need to display to the reader how this person cleared both fear and anxiety; I would choose anxiety and then end the verse with a creative/cute example of how this person drove away your anxiety. I just believe the entire verse is building up slightly for the rest of the poem and it just drops flat with two slightly rough lines.
Mayve changing this to one line, like, "My hands will be searching for your comfort"
I love the line before this one, but the last line has nothing to do with the third, and you kind of set the piece up for every two lines to be grouped with the same idea, if you know what I mean. I think what happened with the end of the first verse occurred again with the second, the entire thing just ended, leaving the reader thinking, “what?” I think you need to attempt to end on a stronger more creative and detailed tone.
How about, "I remember how you never let me fall."
I think you should take the always out of this line.
Maybe, " And now forever in my heart." I think it would look better coming after the third line.
I think this is a little abrupt. The second to last two lines of this piece the reader is informed that he is now with someone else. It just happens a little too fast, and now that we know this, we want more detail. Who is she? Did she steal him from you? Were you to friends before this? You need to fill out the story a little bit more, and either add these two lines earlier in the piece or extend it.
I noticed that you have already made it clear that you agree these two lines do not belong, I just wanted to put in my two cents, I don’t think it’s the message you were going for in this piece and I believe it has a good idea going for them but they are just awkward and I also agree they do not belong.
All in all, this piece has a lot of potential. In my own opinion, I believe writing is no different than art, a piece is not done until you believe it is done, and even then you can change your mind and then go back and change the piece. I think you may just want to sit down with this piece for a little bit and just hash out whatever you think you should and see what comes out of your creative hard work.
Keep writing!!
~SnowBerry
Hey there!
I don't like the repetition of comfort. I think you should leave it where it is in the second stanza, but instead of saying "comfort my fear"--sounds a tad odd, eh?--I would say "eliminate my fear". That way you don't have that repetition in there, and it also sounds better to me that way.
Okay, the last two lines don't fit with your poem at all. The ending is key to a good poem, and this ending sours my idea of the poem. It just doesn't fit. >.>
Overall, this is a nice idea. Also, I needed a little more emotion behind this poem to make me really feel for the main character; and always remember "show not tell".
Nice job. Keep working at it!
~Mizz
A sweet poem. I liked the last lines, but, again, they seemed a little out of place. Keep writing!
I COMPLETELY agree that the last two lines do not belong...
Thanks for the review. I apreciate it and
I also like it when poems have like a dark feel to them .. But then again I am
a unique individual
Hey,
i think personally that the last two lines kind of ruin the poem, not because of the fact that they are badly written because they're written good. It's because they seem out of place.
The poem, for me, has a dark love feel which i love. So i would incorporate that into the ending. Just a thought. This may just be me however.
Like it though
~Retro Disco666
I think this poem is sweet as well, but there is one thing. The last two lines seem out of place.
I would consider extending this into another stanza or two, so the reader can feel the need for his love. I would suggest something along the lines of if the person was not able to see him then she would die, or something of that nature, so the reader can really feel her pain.
It was really good overall for my taste.
I thought that this poem was really sweet.(: It definitly reminded me of myself and that is always a good thing when your poems are relatable to readers. I like the last line "Just don't forget that love is my drug and you will forever be my dealer" Two thumbs up!