You have seen my pain and sorrow,
Heard my hurt-filled cries.
Without a second thought my routine I will follow
And treasure the moment like the ultimate high.
All the week's events have led to this,
My skin kissed by a razor blade.
I am ashamed to admit that this is my bliss,
But it isn't something I can ever trade.
My tears mix with the stain of red on my arm.
Together they become one.
I do not allow my mind to think I have done myself any harm
Because no matter what, the harm is already done.
Faint sighs escape from me,
Sighs filled with relief.
My mind is numb causing me not to see.
But sadly the ecstasy is all to brief.
What took you so long?, my mother ask.
I leave the bathroom, sleeves past my wrist.
Nothing, I say, my face an unreadable mask
My arm hurts now that it's been kissed.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I really liked this poem. It had a powerful and difficult topic, and I think you portrayed it well. I especially liked the last stanza when the mother and daughter are talking. I think that was a perfect way to end off and really brought together the poem. I did feel like the rhythm was kind of off and forced in some parts. I really noticed it in the first stanza:
The line in red is too long, and actually feels like a run-on sentence to me. It doesn't sound right.There were some other parts that were kind of iffy, but this line stood out to me the most.
I really liked the descriptions and imagery in this poem. I was able to actually see everything that was going on, just like in a story. You also wrote it in a mature way that didn't make it really graphic, and make me want to be sick. Ahahaha. This poem had a nice easy flow to it. I found it to be very relaxing. I also actually enjoyed the ryhming, but I do agree with the reviewer before me about rhyming being more for happy poems. I thought it was fine when I was reading it, but now I think that they are right. You don't want that light and happy feel that rhyming gives a poem.
Overall, I enjoyed this poem. It is original and had a nice flow and tone to it
Hey, I really liked this poem. What threw me off a little was the title. I don't see anything that connects it with the poem. Or that's probably me. It was very interesting. You gave it a good start and ended quite smoothly. I'm amazed. I've been reading a lot of good poetry lately and yours is one of them. The best part was when you wrote,
It gave me shivers just thinking about it!
I wouldn't want to be kissed by a razor blade lol
Hey there, Flow here and I will be your reviewer for the evening.
The only thing that really just grabbed my attention in this poem was it's title. When I read the title I thought about the bathroom walls at school and how people write about other people on them. As you can probably guess it threw me for a bit and I had to read it again.
That being said I guess it's time for my real review. My overall opinion is that this is cliche. I dont get why the reviewers above didn't think it was, but everyone writes about cutting. Don't get me wrong I used to do the same thing, but I don't know why this would be original. To make this piece one of a kind you would have to throw in some colorful descriptions, show not tell, and maybe use some metaphors in this.
Colorful words can make the most dull writing interesting, replacing overused words with exciting ones will make all the difference. In the first line of this poem you use the words pain and sorrow, instead use a word that leaves a lasting impression. You could do that or you could turn it into a metaphor, what really might help would be not telling us. We don't know your pain you didn't explain that, show us with words how you feel. You need to make the reader feel you pain, right now I feel nothing when I read this poem. This didn't even faze me, didn't make my gut tingle.
Another thing I noticed was your rhyme scheme, it is so forced. I don't want to repeat what was said but I would just drop it if I were writing this. I also thing cutting out some un-needed words in this would do it some good. Making your lines short and precise leaves a stronger and more lasting impact. You don't want your lines to drag on and on so that you bore the readers, take out the extra words.
I have to go and eat for now but if you want anything more said you can pm me and I'll finish this up. If you have any questions feel free to pm me, also if I have made any errors with grammar or punctuation please ignore them.
Have a good day!
-Flow-
I just want to start of this review by saying I have been working on a poem involving cutting and I just can’t seem to get the lines right. But your poem, it’s utterly beautiful. I didn’t read most of the reviews but if someone did happen to say that cutting is too deep for poetry/this website, I would have to strongly disagree. I think this poem is one of the best ones I have read on this website. I just have a few suggestions, but they are just that, suggestions, in no way do you have to follow my advice.
I love the different placement of these sayings. I had to read it over a few times, but I do like the clear difference of your writing this early in the poem.I understand that you are going for the top of a mountain when you say the, but I cant shake the feeling that saying, "And treasure the moment like an ultimate high." might make the entire verse sound a little bit better.
I can not explain in words how much I love, relate, and appreciate this verse. Please do not answer if this is to personal, but do you actually suffer from cutting or was this poem purely out of your imagination? I am just being my nosy curious self.
I think this line, weather the reader has had a past with cutting, understands it past just typical knowledge, or doesn’t understand it at all, now see’s it in a completely different light because of these two lines.
I think you might have met to say, "What took you so long?, my mother ask's."
I think you need to describe more of what happened once you came out of the bathroom before getting to this line, just to give readers more of a feel for the characters world.
Overall, I love it. I can't say anything other than I am so happy I realized I am following your writing on this website.
Keep writing!
~SnowBerry
Hello,
I like this poem, the way you right it is good, though there are a few things I have to suggest:
What I like about this is that you show that when cutting, you don't think then what it is that you are doing, you wait til later, long later, and then you can kinda pretend that you didn't do it, just as long as you hide the track marks...
I like this, Nice flow, and the words fit well with what you are saying, that there is no way to ride yourself of the burden of a hard day unless you go through the mosion, and you wont be able to stop, even if you want to...
I like this, I wouldn't chage it really...
Overall, I loved the poem, it shows a lot of what people think about when they cut, but I think that if you added why she was cutting it may be better, and more emotion behind it... PM me if you would like some help... I am kinda frimiler with this subject, if you need help...
Hope I helped,
~Rain~
My edits are in all caps.
So I really enjoyed this, it is diffrent a new. The things that I suggested you fix are mostly refraising of words or adding words to boost your poems description. If you try these edits it might help with the flow of the poem, the only thing I am iffy about is if you wanted the lines the same amount of length. If so then you can message me and I will look at my edits and help you put it into more stanzas. Thank you for posting! Really loved this!
Snickerdooly
Overall, I liked this poem. It had allot of emotion in it and writing about cutting is a rough topic to cover but you did it well. I agree that the rhyming did take away from the depression of the poem, rhyming is an upbeat thing to me and this poem should not have had that upbeat undertone. I really like the little exchange between mother and daughter though. It made the poem seem more real to me. You know, not just feelings or actions but interaction too. Good work. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
XO Change
A good poem. I think what you were trying to write about is a difficult topic and you conveyed it well. Like jagged said the rhyme did feel forced but at the same time I didn't think it took anything away from the piece, but I would recommend changing it. Well done XD
~Retro Disco666
Hey imagine.
but all I can say is that, no, actually, I haven't seen them. Maybe a bit of showing would help here; where you'd let the reader empathize a bit with the narrator instead of just expecting him/her to just nod and accept what's stated.First thing I notice on reading this is it's really flat. You say
Another thing of notice to me is that you're forcing the rhyme and hurting your grammar and overall flow by doing so.
Those two lines are the main sticking point: they're in your first stanza, the first thing the reader sees when reading, and it does little to encourage reading further. Most of the others are iffy as well, though not as much; still, I'd suggest working on meaning and saying things the way they should be before worrying about making your lines rhyme. Personally, I'd much rather have a smooth-flowing free verse poem than a jerky rhyming one.
Also, your imagery is flat and repetitive. "My skin kissed by a razor blade." or "My tears mix with the stain of red on my arm." or "My mind is numb causing me not to see. / But sadly the ecstasy is all to brief." all cries 'cliché emo poetry' to me. There's little new to those images, and they been done so much using them this liberally makes the reader dismiss the work as just another one of those generic angstfests. I'm not saying this is what it really is; just that it's treading very dangerously on that line, and that some more work would not go amiss.
Watch out for repetitions as well:
and
both come off as clumsy. Change the word or the sentences so you do without those pesky repeated bits. Again, just ignore your rhyme scheme in favor of clarity and flow.
Hope this helps.
Jag
Cutting is a tough topic, and a somewhat new one to poetry. This means, that when you write about it, it should be good. Really good. Original. And this is definitely original. I liked the scene in this piece, the way that you've casually set up something that we can easily envision. However, the flow is off, and I feel like the rhyming scheme takes away from what is a really serious topic. Otherwise, great concept, and nice job.
-Coral-