i get into my head about the verity
of a relationship. to me, there has
always been the doubt that nobody
truly cared for me. i think that having
an estrangement to your heritage does
that to a person. i know for a fact i
am pushy and clingy and all those
other words that make me abrasive.
i am adjective-aligned and archaic,
stubborn, as one puts it. maybe my
doubt of purity is unfounded but
you can always tell when someone
avoids you. i am guilty too. i actively
run from someone i love because
deep down i am too fearful to
confront the magnitude of it all.
my father says i am passive-agressive
and i only nod in submission.
it is not that it is untrue, it is that
it is my father saying this. not anyone else,
but my father. i digress. it is not as severe as
i paint it to be, unless i make it to be.
in my dreams, i try to quell the wrath
but to no avail. i only fall into despair.
so i just end up having to sucede to
my sulking, because nobody will
be there to shine the light down
on me again. i will forever be destined
to lay dormant next to a manged
corpse called fury. i say that poetry
is the deepest tie to the soul but
poetry is also the weakest link to
the heart. i feel the social disconnect,
the reeling of my stomach only
empowers my disallusioned mind
so i continue down this path of weariness.
i trust nobody, not even myself. because
in the grand scheme of things,
i hate myself too.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
written 2/19/25, made at three.
Hey herb! Coming in for a review of this amazing poem of yours.
Yup, the first thing I have to say is that this is so incredibly relatable. The feeling of doubt constantly plaguing threads itself throughout this piece and it is so wonderfully done. I adore this!
There are a few things that could be changed or deepened--however, this is your work and you are under no obligation to take my advice.
About a quarter of a way in, you mention “an estrangement to my heritage”. I feel like this could have been deepened, especially its role in the paranoia! It just feels like some random thing you dropped in there, and as a reader I was quite curious about it. How did this estrangement kickstart all these feelings? How does the narrator feel about it, are they spiteful, angry, sad? So many questions that can’t be answered in that one line you mentioned it.
In fact, I feel like this is a theme I’ve noticed in a lot of your poetry (coming from a huge fan of yours). you add all these intriguing thoughts and tidbits, but when it comes down to it, it’s one line and it doesn’t satisfy anyone’s curiosity about the subject. It makes the piece feel scattered, random. Which is sad, because again, these are some amazing ideas and little bits--I just wish they’d be fleshed out more, given some depth rather than designated to a singular line where it ends up falling flat.
You digress a little bit later in this piece, talking about the irony of the narrator’s father talking about passive-aggressiveness--and although this is a nice thought, it doesn’t really fit with the rest of the work. It adds an air of sarcasm where I thought the narrator is feeling panic and paranoia. You also digress again talking about poetry--again, great thoughts, I love the ideas and the talking about poetry’s “tie” to the soul, but it falls flat when put next to some of the amazing lines you have in here already. Maybe save that for another poem--it could be great when given its own space!!
Overall, I did really enjoy this poem, it was so relatable and the tone and voice of it was great. There were just a few little things missing for me as a reader.
I can’t wait to see what else you create! Keep writing!!
<3, chem
This poem was my life until I found the person who showed me my worth. The pain and thoughts when you go through this is awful. I could never describe it when I went through it but you did it. I am still a teenager but I am already healing from my pain. This poem is realistic and shows a lot about what teenagers go through. Although we are aware about mental health, parents aren't that aware about their children. You explained what a lot of people can't. Thank you for this poem.