♦ Plague of the Desert - Part 1 ♦

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the mortifying S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - We are introduced to a society where everything is the same, where gender is valued, and where Fi is discriminated against. Things are going to get bad, but Kai calls Fi over to have a walk with them and possibly, things might get better with them.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.

Chocolate Bar - I love how you described the way Fi was treated because of their gender, it shows how discriminatory this society and reading about how other kids were throwing rocks at them…brutal. But Kai seems to love her child, from how she was so concerned about them. I love a mother’s love!

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an emotional chapter on what happens to someone who doesn’t fit in. I wonder how this society got to be frighteningly conformist, but I will have to find out in the next chapters! Now…

I wish you a magical day/night! ^v^

Hello! I hope you're well. I noticed the tenth chapter of this series in the green room and read a part that piqued my interest. It made me eager to start reading the story from the beginning. Let's dive right into the review now.

# The king smiles…

I love your writing style; it's incredibly detailed. Throughout this chapter, you painted a vivid picture of the town and the scene. I had no trouble understanding the tone and possibly the theme of the story. This chapter is excellent as it really sets the tone for the series.

This were my most favorite parts:

“Motionless carts were sprawled throughout the open town center. Few carts had some left-over vegetables accrued inside. Town square was inhabited by food stands that stood the test of time. Bolted into the floor, with big signs reading various slogans in the society’s native language.”

and this:

 “Unwavering black for the man, and a gentle, strong white for the woman. Their bodies were coated in this color, not a slight shred of skin shown. The child, in a black plague mask, glared up at the statues. They broke the first rule they were taught as a child, ripping their plague mask off and plopping it on the ground. The dust and sand produced a small cloud around their boots.”

I am going to say it again your descriptions are just fantastic. I can see that you truly care for your work and the hard work you have put into this.

# Where the King frowns…

In this chapter, I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes. However, I do have some suggestions to further improve this work.

1-In this chapter I have noticed that specially in the beginning you did a lot of passive writing like for example in here:

“Motionless carts were sprawled throughout the open town center”

In here I think it would have been better to say that:

"Motionless carts sprawled throughout the open town center"

There were some mores that i have found and the things that makes it into a passive voice are highlighted:

"A small person in a black plague mask **was** wandered through town with a lantern."
"They **were** stumbled past the empty town square."

# The King approves…

Overall its a great first chapter with little error and some illy mistakes. Note that I am no professional and this is your story to tell. This is just my opinions on how you can improve your story.

GOOD JOB!

Hello, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to kick off this story by reviewing the first chapter, using my Familiar method as always! Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh...

What The Black Eyes See...

Ooo, so here we kick off Fi's origin story, and it's already a lot darker than I would have guessed! You did an incredible job introducing their town, its culture, and its people, and when seeing the terrible acts that take place, it's easy to empathize with Fi-So and understand why this is happening. Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

I didn't really have any recommendations to make for this one!

Why The Grin Widened...

The opening is very interesting; details like the rule about porch lights, the colored plague masks, and just the general stillness of the region, definitely help give the town a very strict feeling.

The revelation left them dissatisfied. Annoyance only spurred on by the hope that maybe the outcome would be different tomorrow. They turned on their heel, slithering down to walk through town square.

“Hey, Fi! You know things like you aren’t allowed out past dark!”

As far as the leaders of Joji were concerned, they were something to be destroyed if the rules didn’t frown upon murder.

“What are you still doing here? Do us a favor and go play in the sandstorm.”

The voice was that of their mother, Kai-So. Their society had to be receptive to voice tone, everyone had their own way of talking. Sometimes it was in their native language, other times it was in [English].

“Do…do I make you sick, Ma?”

“Shut up, can you walk okay?”

Everything was always the same. Except Fi.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is quite a start here. Poor Fi gets quite a lot of nice development and definitely quite a nice little underlay of plot there with how people treat them. I think our bully was quite nicely fleshed out too, all good things to see in a first part.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The blackness of night descended upon a village. As rule 1589 suggests, all porch-lights are off at forty of forty-six hours. A small person in a black plague mask wandered through town with a lantern. They stumbled past the empty town square. Motionless carts were sprawled throughout the open town center. Few carts had some left-over vegetables accrued inside. Town square was inhabited by food stands that stood the test of time. Bolted into the floor, with big signs reading various slogans in the society’s native language.

The child climbed the stairs that led up out of the sinkhole of stores and would-be hustle and bustle. They were met by a weather-vane. Under which were two large statues. One of a male plague mask, and a female plague mask. Marked by the color of their masks. Unwavering black for the man, and a gentle, strong white for the woman. Their bodies were coated in this color, not a slight shred of skin shown. The child, in a black plague mask, glared up at the statues. They broke the first rule they were taught as a child, ripping their plague mask off and plopping it on the ground. The dust and sand produced a small cloud around their boots. They had pale white skin to contrast their deep black hair. Their face is delicate and fierce. A thousand-yard stare that could send men running, with the softness of a woman’s skin.

“If the beak turns east, I go home. If it stays west, then I…”

The weather vane teetered from left to right. It creaked to life, spurred on by the sandstorm surrounding their town. Keeping them away from the accursed desert. It was hit by a harsh breeze, sending it reeling back and forth until its movements were so fast they were almost impossible to see. It finally settled pointing east. The revelation left them dissatisfied. Annoyance only spurred on by the hope that maybe the outcome would be different tomorrow. They turned on their heel, slithering down to walk through town square.

Crack!

As they turned their gaze away, a rock came skittering through the air. Cracking against the back of their head and sending their head into the ground. They were almost motionless as blood trickled down their neck. Staining their suit.

“১೨iℼt…Again?” They mumbled as a painful smile crept across their face.

“Hey, Fi! You know things like you aren’t allowed out past dark!”

Stones rained down like a hail onto Fi’s body as the group of bullies crowded around them. Their leader was an older boy named Dzo. Fi knew him well from nights just like this. His group of juveniles became more and more ambitious. From small-time school thiefs, to full-time raiders.

In a town governed by harsh rules, especially regarding gender, this only bred intense superstition. Against what Fi was. As far as the leaders of Joji were concerned, they were something to be destroyed if the rules didn’t frown upon murder. The stones became less and less painful as Fi dragged themself to their feet. Staring down the bullies, with Dzo leading the charge. He signaled his boys to stop their assault.

“What’s up, freak? Someone looks mad. Did mommy finally kick you out? Do you even have a mommy?”

Fi’s black hair changed color, into a vibrant blonde. They were reinvigorated with a newfound strength and hatred. They struck Dzo with all their strength. A punch that held the power of an entire army.

“...Is that all?” Dzo stood, motionless. “Y’know, I don’t like to hit girls.”

“I’m not…” Fi mumbled.

“Good, makes this all the better.”

He swung his arm into Fi’s head. Their face kissed the ground once again.

“I didn’t even have to power up for that one! You aren’t even worth my time anymore. Boys, don’t kill it. Just make sure it’s parents know the gang that beat it’s ass.”

It went from rocks to a flurry of kicks beating Fi’s motionless body as Dzo watched.

“Looks like the freak’s gonna cry! Are you sad that it’s not just us that want you dead! I think we have an audience! See, lights are coming on! Everyone’s watching us from their house. Guess what? They ain’t gonna do anything. Because they all hate you.”

Fi could only curl into a ball to try and think away the pain. They buried their head into their knees as blows pelted their body. Through a small gap made in the circle of attackers, Dzo stuck his fat fingers. He ripped Fi’s face upward. They tried to turn away, but his grip was unshakable.

“What are you still doing here? Do us a favor and go play in the sandstorm.”

He dropped their face, and dropped the plague mask on their bruised head. Fi laid, broken and beaten. Morning began to fall. Plague masks came out of their homes. Town center was populated with merchants, peddlers, and vendors alike. Everyone stepped over Fi as if they did not exist. After the hustle calmed down, they slowly moved to their feet.

“Fi-So!” A voice cried.

Fi’s heart fluttered, nearly jumping out of their body, they quickly dragged their mask over their face to hide the cuts and bruises. It wasn’t effective, their outfit was tattered. Covered in cuts only accented by the enormous amount of dirt buried into the very seams of their suit.

The voice was that of their mother, Kai-So. Their society had to be receptive to voice tone, everyone had their own way of talking. Sometimes it was in their native language, other times it was in english.

“We’ve been worried sick about you! What were you thinking?!”

“Do…do I make you sick, Ma?”

“Shut up, can you walk okay?”

Fi wanted to say yes, but they knew the answer was no. Their mother walked them home, when passerby realized who they were, they did their very best to avoid the pair. They walked through congested streets with tall, brick-and-mortar buildings. Everything was marked by numbers or very small idiosyncrasies. They were all sand-colored. Every house, brick, structure was the same.

Everything was always the same. Except Fi.

Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with a review today. Now forgive me if I am wrong but I think this is my first time reviewing one of your works so there might be parts of your world and style I am not used to so I am sorry if that's the case here. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall, I find this a very interesting read. It seems you have a lot of world-building and lore around not just this piece but your other works as well. Since this is a shorter piece not much of it has gone into depth but it leaves me with a lot of questions aboubt this world. Such as what are some of the rules and gender norms. Why is it all based on conforming? Is it survival a thing? based in religion?

As for lines that stuck out I really enjoyed the last line I feel it really summed up the mcs struggle and point of view. I also enjoy the fact the MCS mother at least publicly seems to care a little bit. Even if there might be a little destain or tough love because of her saying Shut up.

Now onto feedback, I have a few things to point out so I hope it's not too long.

I know you said you want to be published ( I also want to so I hope I can give you some okay feedback to help ) as far I can tell it's not ideal to use the same letter as the last one to start a sentence however you might have to in this line.

"Few carts had some left-over vegetables accrued inside. " I feel this should be "A few carts had some left-over vegetables accumulated inside. "

There are a few lines like this where you seem to be missing a word at the start. Here are some of the examples I could find.

" Town square was inhabited by food stands that stood the test of time." I think it would work better as " The town square was inhabited by food stands that stood the test of time"

The same thing goes for this line as well. " Town center was populated with merchants, peddlers, and vendors alike. " Should be "The town center was populated with merchants, peddlers, and vendors alike. "

I also spotted uses of oxymorons and while it could be used as a stylistic choice it might confuse the reader. ( This is of course not judgment after all I use one in my newest update )

For example, this feels like the message you were trying to send contradicts each other. Once again it could be a stylistic choice but it seems a little out of place.
" gentle, strong white for the woman." Perhaps something like " the bright hue of a polished ivory white ( or you could use a milky white if you want to meet a softer tone"

( I don't know if that's the only one or not but the one I managed to catch.)

I feel this line could be rephrased a bit to make it a little less awkward.

" Cracking against the back of their head and sending their head into the ground." Perhaps something like " Cracking against the back of their head and sending it into the ground."

For one last thing that is a lot more nitpicky and could be based on what you think your style is like. However, I would have loved to get a bit more of the senses used in this work. Smell, touch, taste and of course, sight can tell the reader so much without it being in their face. It could make the world feel fully alive in many ways.

Regardless I really like this piece and would like to see more. So with that will I say as always keep writing and drink water!