A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,
at leat thats what my heart wants to believe
as i stare into your empty eyes.
your addicted to drugs, and im addicted to you,
sometimes i break down inside,
because i know theres nothing i can do.
i cant escape you no matter how hard i try,
its like your my own personal brand of heroin,
you fufill my high.
i know your wrong for me,
i know that you dont care,
but baby i cant let you go.
i hide these fragile tears, with a million dollar smile,
i know i cant escape you not even by a mile
im trying to be perfect, trying to be right,
but i know deep down, i cant win this fight
i love you, i need you
but your blinded by these drugs,
i wish we can replace these things,
maybe with some hugs?
what powers hold me in this tortured love?
maybe it was that soft caress or your tender touch.
i see the pain in your heart,
i feel the pain in your soul,
"baby come here, let me hold you close."
but instead you roll your eyes and pack another bowl.
i refuse to watch you destroy yourself,
but i refuse to leave your side
my love for you will never hide, not
even by selfish pride.
maybe one day my love will be enough
to save you from this hell,
when? i cannot say,
only time can tell
i love you so much, i give you my heart
cant wait till you put down that pipe
so this love can finally start.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi I'm here to review your poem!
Grammar/Spelling
There's a few grammar and spelling mistakes here I'll correct them in order:
"at leat thats what my heart wants to believe" "leat" --> "least" and "thats" --> "that's"
"your addicted to drugs..." ---> "your" should be "you're" or "you are" if you really want to avoid apostrophes.
"i wish we can replace these things" ---> "can" should be "could"
"i know your wrong for me," --> "your" should be "you're" again or "you are"
Overall, I'm not sure how your choice to have no capitalization adds much to the poem. I can understand the decision not to capitalize "I" because that shows how reliant the speaker is on the subject, but to not capitalize anything else makes the poem seem a little unsophisticated to me and not as mature. This is just my opinion however...
Also the choice not to have any apostrophe's but to have a ton of commas and ending punctuation marks seems inconsistent. This is just something to consider.
Wording
For the most part I think you kept a consistent tone and seemed real in the piece.
You don't use very much descriptive or interesting language, but the simplicity goes with the simplistic punctuation.
Meaning
Well, I'm a little bothered by the lines
First note: how are "hugs" going to solve Drug Addiction? This is a little unrealistic.
It seems to me like the speaker is blinded just like the drug user is by drugs, but is blinded by her partner's physical body or presence. I mean there is not a line in here about why she loves him emotionally but just describes his "smile", "eyes", "hugs", and "touch". This is extremely shallow and how can she expect her guy to give up his "physical" need for the drugs if she doesn't even care about him in any other way besides physically!
Maybe the message you are truly trying to give is that the speaker is shallow and to draw a parallel between drugs and being addicted to the body or lust. But at the same time it seems like you're trying to paint the speaker as the victim and the hero, although it's hard as a reader for me to feel any sympathy to this speaker when she doesn't even seem to love this guy all that much. So if you want the speaker to be a sympathetic character you should give the reader something that they can connect with.
I'm sorry if this review was harsh, and ultimately feel free to ignore any of the advice because it's all just suggestions.
Good luck in your future writing!
Alliyah
Hi, gabrielle23. This is Pinkie here for a review. I like to be your reviewer if you don't mind.
To The Nitpicks!!
"at leat thats what my heart wants to believe."
You misspelled 'least' wrong.
"as i stare into your empty eyes."
You need to uppercase the 'i'.
"your addicted to drugs, and im addicted to you,"
You need the apostrophe and what I said on the second part on the word 'im'
End of Nitpicks!!!
Overall, this is a sad poem. I felt bad for you about your ex-boyfriend was a drug addict. I hope you find someone who love you over that stuff. This is very heart-breaking and touching. Please have a good night. I also want to read more from you.
Good Job and Keep on writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Well I like it. It is filled with emotions and the pain. I am not much into poems but your one is quite good. Keep up the good work.
One thing I would like to suggest you is that you change the format/way you write this poem. Make it more classical (like Shakespeare's perhaps) and it would look more attractive and will flow much easily.
Anyway keep up the good work. Have a nice day.
Cheers.