A crazy and confusing world We are brought into,
Not knowing what reality has in Store for our life
No survival manual to help us With the cruel psychotic, envy of this world,
Darkness follows night,
Light follows day,
Men showing love But not the right way
Children having sex Teenagers doing drugs
Whatever happened to rainbows
And people giving hugs,
Life is a roller coaster with Secret twist and turns,
It makes the mind dizzy and the heart sick,
Your heart pounds because You cant get off this ride,
Its like a non- refundable ticket, That takes you straight to hell,
Theres only one way in but No way out,
We didn’t start this fire But we sure as hell will burn in it,
We brought this upon ourselves contributing
to the destruction that had already began generations before us.
now we must await our maker and wait for our sentence that we have created
in our own misled minds.
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137,443 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi gabrielle23. I am The Raven, Knight of the Green Room, and this will be my debut review as a Knight of the Green Room. My review will be divided into the sections 'What Is Good' and 'What Needs Improvement/Suggestions'. Now, let's get down to business.
What Is Good:
1) It is an enjoyable read, with a subject matter that is relevant in modern society. Your poem is thought provoking, reminding me of certain things.
What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) I agree with the reviewer below. The formatting leaves more to be desired. However, what I do not agree with is that it must be formatted into a regular poem's form, as in into lines and stanzas. While you could do that if you want, there is another way to do this. You might want to opt for a Prose-Poetry format, which is basically poetry in prose form (no surprise there), but is far more smooth sounding and high quality than a regular paragraph from a prose, with all the devices found in poetry found in the paragraph. For this, you will need to turn your lines into sentences. For now, your lines are just joined together one after the next with no proper punctuation and grammar.
I'm more in favour towards the Prose-Poetry format, as it is not as common, giving you the advantage of uniqueness and the attention it could garner. Moreover, from the looks of it, your poem does look like Prose-Poetry, mostly because you're not using far too many poetic formal devices, nudging it towards the Prose direction.
2) Your grammar's beginning to falter even more at the end. Here specifically:
Bought should be brought, unless you're critiquing modern day consumerism and capitalism.
Sentance should be sentence. It's a spelling error.
3) A major issue I have with the poem is that you're telling us rather than showing. This is especially apparent around the middle, with an entire chunk doing whatever it says on the tin...
Here too:
The beauty of poetry is that each line is a condensation of multiple layers of meaning, but in these areas, I feel like I am being bashed overhead with a single meaning. Try to write it slant, and I know that you have more to say, so why not load those lines with even more meaning?
4) This point is related to point 1) of this section. I believe that your poem could benefit a lot from devices to deal with sounds, such as alliteration, assonance, consonance, rhyming - you could try selecting softer sounds too, like all the 's' and 'f' sounds. This will make your prose-poetry smooth sounding, and easy to go through, as well as creating associations between parts of your poem. These two lines are good:
To me, with the magic of rhyming, it seems to indicate the changing of times, the replacement of hugs with drugs as years go by. You should have more of this kind of stuff.
I'm afraid that's all I have for you at this moment. I hope I've helped. Keep writing!
thank you so much for the feed back!! when i wrote this it was in poetry format but when i published it, its whole format changed into that big paragraph and i tried to fix it but it wont fix sadly:(
Ok,
and wait for our sentance... -> Should be: sentence
1) This should really be formatted as a poem. I liked what you wrote, but it was really really hard for me to catch the rhythm and get into it with the format like this. It was like one giant run on sentence. So if you fix that, it would definitely be ten times better. It's too much to ask for your readers to separate the lines by capitalization and still clearly understand what you're writing about, what the beat is, what they think about it and their opinion on your poem, and still know what the heck their reading. Readers shouldn't have to do much thinking. Sure it's fun to intrigue readers and make them think a little, but they shouldn't have to do that thinking on top of formatting what they're reading as well.
2) I can't say much about grammar and punctuation since you can't tell much about that with the way it's written, but I would say that there are far too many commas. Even if you formatted it properly, but left the commas, there should be other punctuation there like periods and the like to separate ideas. You have a lot of ideas and as far as I can tell they all go well together so it doesn't sound cluttered or forced, but there are too many to just simply stick with commas. Change it up a bit.
3) twist and turns -> Should be: twists and turns
4) We bought this... -> Should be: We brought this...
5) We bought this upon ourselves contributing to the destruction that had already began generations before us
Ok! So this line should be seperated into two seperate things. If I was going by what you've thus far done it should look lie this:
We bought this upon ourselves, Contributing to the destruction that had already began, Generations before us
6) that had already began... -> Should be: that had already begun...
7) us. now -> I'm guessing it should be: us, Now... since that's how you've been formatting it so far.
9) now we must await our maker and wait for our sentance that we have created in our own misled minds.
So, this line is a little choppy and strange-sounding. If this were mine, I would write it like this:
Now we must await our maker, And wait for the sentence we created in our own misled minds.
OR
Now we must await our maker, And wait for our sentence which we have created in our own misled minds.
Ok, so I hope that helped you. Overall, great piece. Just put it in the right format, and fix some spelling and grammar mistakes, and you're golden. Great job!
~ Nightlyowl
thank you so much for the feed back!! when i wrote this it was in poetry format but when i published it, its whole format changed into that big paragraph and i tried to fix it but it wont fix sadly:(
Oh my god! I hate when that happens, I had a poem that messed up the spacing too, and no matter how many times I edited it, it wouldn't fix!