fracture

Hi. I couldn't find the follow button. D:. Gah. But anyone this is deep. But I has such good intent. I can see the depression in your writing. Just a friendly tip, if you have Microsoft it allows you to run it through spell check to just give it that...factor. It'll just make your poems even that more special. Hope to see another poem soon! Sorry for the small review I don't have much else to say.

I'm still trying to understand the deeper meaning of poetry. I have a friend who loves poetry but when she shows it to me I don't understand. Then she explains it to me and I see the deeper meaning and how beautiful it really is. Or sometimes how it shows deep personal encounters. Or you just express your feelings. Could you please leave a short description for me?

Hey just before I start I am no poem expert but I really enjoyed your poem. It was simple and really emotional. Like stated in other reviews your spelling although it looks like just small typos . Basically other than that just your capitalization is the only other thing I see. Over all it was very good great job

~MindBlown

Hey, hey, hey! lovelysayshi here to review!

Lets begin, okay, you need to capitalize the first letter in the beginning of each line. For Example:
"Slowly my soul is pulling me deeper into the ground,

My struggle and fight has left me breathless." TADAAA! That's an easy mistake to fix, nothing major.

Your very first line says that you lie on the ground looking immortal, lifeless....this could work as an oxymoron if it made more sense, but it has nothing to support it.

Spelling Error: *trapped, not traped. Also *remains, not rremains...I am sure that was just a silly mistake, no biggie.

Overall this poem had lots of meaning and emotion poured into it, although it could be worked on a bit more, it was still really great. Nice job.
Toodles.

Hey Gabrielle! Again, welcome to YWS!


Here I am for a quick review (I gotta get back to school soon here, so . . . )

Okay, so first off, we shall note that I am no poetry whiz! But I can appreciate powerful words use and a good poem when I see one . . . soul . . . breathless . . . shadowed . . . lifeless . . . light. These are all powerful, important words!

Well used as well, if I may say. I myself have never truly been forced into a position where I had to face off depression, so I do not really know your theme . . . but from what little I do know, you did quite well. (I'll leave someone else to really give you an allout review!)

If you have a weakness it's in your grammar and spelling. Also, you have to remember that a little bit of rhyme in pretty much any poem goes a long, long way! A long way! It makes it much easier to read.

So, for your grammar mistakes (Don't worry, we all have grammar mistakes when we start writing!).

i lay on the ground looking immortal, lifeless,

the rain covers my eyes with the shadows of darkness,

the light has gone away.

traped in a body with no connection to life

but the remains of my grey past.


slowly my soul is pulling me deeper into the ground,

my struggle and fight has left me breathless.

the rremains of my soul have gone hallow,

and my heart has gone fractured.

Woah...this poem was pretty good! Nice job!:)

Just a few things:

Grammar:
I know that some don't use "proper" grammar and capitalization in their poetry, but I really prefer it. Personally, that's all I can think about when I read these, and become so distracted, it becomes harder to focus on reading it.
Also, I would not double space the lines in the stanza, as that just makes it harder to read and takes away from the content. You should only space between stanzas.
I noticed a few grammatical mistakes, "the rremains of my soul have gone hallow," should be remains. Another thing I would point out is the awkwardness of the last line. It doesn't seem grammatically correct. It would be alot smoother if the word "gone" was removed from the last line.

Imagery:
Excellent job on the imagery. You mainly stayed away from cliches, but kinda brushed past one on "the light has gone away" and also with the heart fracturing deal. I love that I can see and fell what is going on and alot of times this is missed, especially in poetry.

This has potential, and I hope to see more of your work. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

You know, it's simple, but I kind of like that. It's a little generic of a topic, but it feels genuine and I like that too. A lot of poems feel like they're going for something, but this just feels like what came out. I like it.

And just as a warning, when you get a review telling you to capitalize the first word of your lines [as you undoubtedly will, or hopefully this comment deters them], ignore it. It's poetry. e.e. cummings was a poet and he didn't even capitalize his own name.