z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 12

by Rook


~1030 words

Ivy

Ivy was uncomfortable throughout the rest of her time in the workshop. She just wanted to get away from Grey and talk to Nikki. Grey wasn't being a weirdo any more, really. But she hadn't wanted to got to the Society that night anyway, and her evening had made her even more uncertain about trusting Grey. Really, he's fine, she thought to herself. I just need to loosen up a bit. Like Nikki.

Ivy and Grey had made some progress on Grey's machine, but it was getting dark, and Ivy wanted to go home. "I'll see you Saturday, Grey. And if I don't, promise you won't go looking for me again?" She rubbed her head in the spot where it was still sore.

Grey grimaced an apology again. "Yeah, okay. Do you want me to walk you home? I'd hate you to walk out in the middle of the night alone, you know?"

"I know what you think, Grey. But I think I'm perfectly capable of walking myself home. Thank you for the offer, but I'll decline."

"Alright, but be careful out there," he said, a worried look on his face.

"Right," Ivy said, and left.

She stepped out into the night. The air was thick with summer humidity, and whenever she passed a streetlamp, she could see a fog swirling around it. The stars, of course were covered by the clouds that had decided to descend on the town during the night. Even without the stars or moon, Ivy found her way home easily. She unlocked the flower shop door, and when she came inside, Ghost leaped down from the window sill to rub against her legs.

Ivy reached down to pet him, and his fur felt damp, as if he had been slinking around in the night.

"Have you found a way out of here," Ivy asked him, still stroking his fur. But when she went to check if the window was open, she realized that it had just collected a lot of condensation. Still, the idea of letting Ghost have his freedom appealed to Ivy. She didn't want to keep the cat here if he wanted to leave. That would just be cruel. Ivy cracked open the window and showed it to Ghost. The cat continued to rub against her legs, and she laughed. She'd keep the window open. It was good for her plants to have fresh air anyway.

--

Ivy woke up to a rainy day. It matched her mood. Her mind felt cloudy and confused. Doubting many people would want to hike out to a flower shop on a rainy day, Ivy decided to take a rare day-off. She hung a sign on her door saying she'd be out of town, and packed up a few things. She would go to visit Nikki on her farm. She could spend the night, and then on Saturday, they could both travel back to town together. Ivy had done this a lot during her school years in the summer break. Nikki had been working even then, and Ivy had liked to help.

After packing a bit of food that would travel well that could serve as a light lunch, she saw Ghost, and imagined him all alone for the day. It was silly, she knew. Ghost had probably lived as a wild cat all his life. Of course he could take a day alone. Still she called to Ghost as she was leaving, just to see if he would walk with her at all.

He would, even in the rain. Ghost stayed, for the most part, at the heels of Ivy. Every now and then, he would dart off the the side to chase a mouse or something, and there were a few times Ivy thought he'd gotten completely lost: she couldn't see him anywhere. But Ghost always found his way back.

Soon, Ivy needed a little break from walking, so she sat down to have her lunch. She had no idea what time it was, since the sun was covered by the heavy cloud cover. She felt like she was almost at the farm, and she hated to intrude on Nikki's family's hospitality too much, even though they always offered her food as soon as she arrived. Ivy's grandmother had said, "It's polite to eat before you arrive, so you can rely less on the hospitality of others. This also makes it so you can fall back on folk when you're in a pinch. They won't see you as always looking for a handout, so they'll be much more likely to help you when you really need it."

Ivy ate her lunch quickly so it wouldn't get wet with rain. She smiled as she breathed in the fresh-smelling air, and giggled as raindrops splattered on her nose. Ghost looked funny, all drenched with rain, almost like he'd shrunk, but he didn't seem to mind too much. He pounced on anything that moved, even rippling puddles. Eventually, they were on their way again.

Ivy walked around a bend in the dirt pathway--that was more mud than solid--and Ivy's farm pulled into view. "There it is, Ghost! Warm, dry shelter and friend to talk to. Not that you aren't great for conversation, Ghost," she said quickly. They reached the sprawling farm in no time. As they passed the big red barn that held the horses, Ivy saw Ghost's ears flatten. Inside the barn were several pairs of cat eyes. "C'mon Ghost. Don't let them bother you. They're just jealous that you can look so dashing with wet fur."

They soon reached the house, painted white, with warm firelight flickering in the windows. Ivy knocked on the door, and a little boy without his front teeth answered.

"Nikki! Ivy's here!" he shouted with a lisp, then ran away.

Nikki poked her head out from the hatch in the ceiling that Ivy knew led to the attic. "Well come in! You're making me cold just looking at you. Come warm up by the fire!" She said, and started to descend the attic ladder. "It's nice to see you! But you must have come for a reason. Let's talk!"


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Wed Sep 20, 2017 2:54 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



If I finish this review today I will be ahead of revmo for I think the first time the entire month *happy dance*

Nit-picks and nice moments:

Even without the stars or moon, Ivy found her way home easily.

Wouldn't that have been the moment to describe how scary it is for a woman to walk the streets alone at night? There's this road near where I live that has all these trees overhanging it and it means it looks like you're walking through a forest and that people who want to hurt you could burst out at any moment. I know that sounds like rambling but it would mean that you could back up what Ivy has been feeling so far. She's spoken about feeling uncomfortable around men, but that could sound silly to someone who doesn't understand. This would be a very jolting way to show the reality of it. Though I suppose you do have plenty of opportunity to do that at a later date.

Ivy woke up to a rainy day. It matched her mood. Her mind felt cloudy and confused. Doubting many people would want to hike out to a flower shop on a rainy day

That's a wee bit repetitive. Maybe "in the rain" the second time? Also, "hike out" makes it sound like she's not actually in the city. Maybe like "trudge through the streets"?

After packing a bit of food that would travel well, thatwhich could serve as a light lunch

This is suggestion only but it's cos the reptetition made the sentence structure a bit clunky there.

covered by the heavy cloud cover

You really do have repetition today xD I think just take out the second "cover"

Ivy's grandmother had said, "It's polite to eat before you arrive, so you can rely less on the hospitality of others. This also makes it so you can fall back on folk when you're in a pinch. They won't see you as always looking for a handout, so they'll be much more likely to help you when you really need it."

This seems like quite a lot to remember as a direct quote.

She smiled as she breathed in the fresh-smelling air, and giggled as raindrops splattered on her nose.

I really, really like this bit of sensory description. It might be just that I really like sensory description, but regardless, thank you for the sensory description.

and Ivy's farm pulled into view.

Whose farm? :P

They reached the sprawling farm in no time.

I think that should be the start of a new paragraph.

"Nikki! Ivy's here!" he shouted with a lisp, then ran away.

I'd quite like to know his reaction. ie facial expressions, gestures, did he gasp?

Overall:

It's really interesting to have both the first and second halves of this chapter. I don't know if it was just because of how LMS fell or the publishing system on the site, but it was interesting to compare the uneasiness of Grey and his association with urban life, and then the relaxation of nature, the vivid descriptions of the weather, and of course Ghost, who is a part of nature himself. It's a really good way of showing me that Ivy is not ideally suited to city life, which makes sense for why she rarely left her flower shop. In fact, now that I think about it, it makes sense why she runs a flower shop.

Other than what I brought up in nit-picks about her getting home too easy, I don't really have any criticisms for this chapter. I get that you had other plans for this chapter, but maybe even foreshadowing something. Like, "Ivy did get home without issue that night" to make it sound like this isn't always the case. I just think that's a really important area to keep the jeopardy in.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Wed May 10, 2017 3:11 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey forti!!

I don't have too much to say on this, because as always, you're an exceptionally good writer. :) I loved how Ghost was okay with the rain and pounced on everything! Also, Ivy being uncomfortable in the beginning made me uncomfortable (which is a good thing because you can convey that feeling) and I can feel the tension in her relationship with Grey.

What bothered me a bit about this chapter was Ivy's actions and thoughts or lack of thought behind them. Since she's so nervous about Grey, I wouldn't think she'd just jump right into, "Let me invite myself to my friend's house and stay the night!" I know it's not modern so she can't exactly call ahead, and they're close friends so of course it's probably okay, but I feel like she'd be a little more worried because it's a spur of the moment thing. Also that with the open window, what if something or someone else gets in? Might she be less happy about having an open window, or might check the locks on the door? Plus the rain probably comes in through the window that night, that isn't mentioned really. I'm probably seeing that more insecure side of Ivy as more exaggerated than it really is, but I just wondered about that while reading through.

Another thing I was thinking about- what work is Ivy doing on the incomplete machine? Is she just handing Grey the tools he needs? Because she isn't familiar with machines all that much, right? The last chapter mentioned the... Flyers I think? I rather thought she'd be throwing out some new ideas on those while Grey did more of the machine work. Or maybe he's teaching her as he goes along. Whatever the case, could it get a little more specific about it? Also, did Alder just disappear or not want to say goodbye? He was there just a chapter ago. ;)

That's about it! I love your imagery, the whole thing is really well done as always. <3

-Falc




Rook says...


Thanks for the ideas, Falc!
The open window thing might come into play later ;)
Thanks for the review :D



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Mon May 08, 2017 1:58 pm
Dest wrote a review...



A very calming chapter. I haven't read the other chapters yet, so I'm sure things are not always so peaceful.

"Alright, but be careful out there," he said, a worried look on his face.
This is just me being incredibly nitpicky so feel free to ignore. You could add more detail and describe his face instead of just "worried look." Did his eyebrows droop? Did he bite his lips? Did he shake his leg at a jittery pace? Blah blah

a little boy with his front teeth answered.

Do you mean "without"? Unless, of course, boys that have their front teeth are important... I did jump in midstory

I love that the cat's named Ghost, and Grey sounds interesting though he might not be trustworthy.

I enjoyed reading this!




Rook says...


ooh good catch on the teeth! Thanks for the review!



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Mon May 08, 2017 1:50 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Ghost <3

Can I just say, I was fully expecting Ivy to get attacked or something and not be able to handle it all on her own, thanks to this.

Grey grimaced an apology again. "Yeah, okay. Do you want me to walk you home? I'd hate you to walk out in the middle of the night alone, you know?"

"I know what you think, Grey. But I think I'm perfectly capable of walking myself home. Thank you for the offer, but I'll decline."

"Alright, but be careful out there," he said, a worried look on his face.

"Right," Ivy said, and left.


I was so pleased that it didn't happen and that she passed a perfectly safe night instead of having a dude tell her he should walk her home for safety purposes and then have him proven completely and coincidentally right.

I kind of wanted more of this, though.

Ivy was uncomfortable throughout the rest of her time in the workshop. She just wanted to get away from Grey and talk to Nikki. Grey wasn't being a weirdo any more, really. But she hadn't wanted to got to the Society that night anyway, and her evening had made her even more uncertain about trusting Grey. Really, he's fine, she thought to herself. I just need to loosen up a bit. Like Nikki.

Ivy and Grey had made some progress on Grey's machine, but it was getting dark, and Ivy wanted to go home.


Like, I keep hearing about this society, and then in the last chapter we finally got to the workshop and met one of the other members, but then this is all just summarized, even Grey's behavior for the rest of the night. Even though I feel like actually showing some of their time together now that he's "not being a weirdo anymore" might help his case, since I recall getting a *little* uncomfortable with him in whatever chapter Ivy last narrated.

The machine I guess I'll leave alone, though, because I know I came into the story some time after Ivy's first visit to the workshop, so I assume there's more about what this machine is there. If this was the first instance it showed up, I'd definitely want more detail about it, though.

This review courtesy of
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Rook says...


I think the summarization is fine after what I wrote last chapter. honestly I have a bad habit of not truly ending my chapters until the next chapter haha
the machine Grey is working on was explained last chapter. And Ivy was very uncomfy there.
thanks for the review!



Rook says...


I think the summarization is fine after what I wrote last chapter. honestly I have a bad habit of not truly ending my chapters until the next chapter haha
the machine Grey is working on was explained last chapter. And Ivy was very uncomfy there.
thanks for the review!




The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin