z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Fire Underneath of Things - 1.2

by Rook


~1,450 words (probably the longest chapter I've ever written haha)

Ivy

The boy pulled a ring of mismatched keys from out of his cloak pocket, and sorted through them until he found a simple, rusty key. He turned back to the shadows, muttering about the dark. Something metal clicked, and the boy opened a heavy wooden door. Its hinges groaned like they hadn’t been used in years. He looked back at Ivy and Nikki and said, “Well c’mon! What’re you waiting for?”

That was all the invitation Nikki needed: she plunged into the shadows. Ivy looked at the forbidding darkness with unease.

The boy, still holding the door open, bowed and gestured toward the door in mock-politeness. “After you.”

Ivy took half a step back. “What’s in there?”

“Oh, are you scared? Nikki!” he called, “I think your friend is too fragile to join you. This is why you shouldn’t have invited her!”

Ivy folded her arms. “I am not scared.”

The boy gestured to the door again with a wicked grin.

“Come on, Ivy!” Nikki’s voice called back. “There’s nothing to be afraid of down here!”

“Except the pitch black unknown,” Ivy muttered, but trailed along after Nikki’s voice.

The boy followed after her, locking the door behind him. “That’s the spirit, Pansy,” he said.

“It’s Ivy,” she said through gritted teeth.

Nikki was right: there was nothing to be afraid of. Unless of course, you’re afraid of stairs. And how many stairs there were! They descended in a tight spiral, shoes clanking against the iron. They had been so high up, on the rooftops, and now it seemed as if they were drilling beneath the earth. Just imagining climbing back up the stairs made Ivy’s calves hurt. But eventually, the stairs came to a blissful stop. Ivy almost ran into Nikki, who was standing motionless at the base of the stairs.

“Can’t see anything,” said Nikki, a rare edge of fear creeping into her voice. “Don’t know what I might step on if I go farther than this.”

“Coming through! Make way, you ninnies,” the boy commanded as he squeezed past Ivy and Nikki.

“We must be miles below the city!” Ivy said.

“No way that was even a mile of stairs,” said Nikki. “You should come with me on some of my jaunts around the city sometime. That’ll show you what walking for miles is like.”

Ivy was going to give an excuse about needing to tend to her shop, but she was interrupted by a grumbling sound. It rumbled through what sounded like an enormous cavern, bouncing off of walls made of stone before fading away. Then it came again, and some dim lights flickered. Ivy saw the boy wrangling with some kind of cord, pulling it again and again. But the lights refused to stay on. The boy lit a lantern, wound a crank, and fiddled with some levers, before pulling on the cord again. The lights spluttered on and hummed. Ivy just barely had a chance to see how enormous the workshop filled with pieces of metal and monstrous machines was before the lights seemed to cough and die out once more.

The boy sighed and rubbed his neck. “Oh well. This lamp can light our way as well as the electrics. Come on.” He held the lantern aloft, and started crossing the room.

The lantern cast long shadows and lit up strange parts of even stranger machines whose purpose Ivy could only guess at. Some were as big as a small room. Others were as small as her thumb, but equally complex. Ivy drank it all in. “This is amazing!”

The boy glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and smiled. “It kinda is, isn’t it?”

Nikki nodded vigorously. “What are they all for?

“Oh don’t worry. You’ll have plenty of time to learn about that. If you make it past our… initiation.”

“Initiation?” Ivy asked, suddenly nervous all over again.

“Most people don’t make it,” the boy said breezily. “And I highly doubt you will, Daisy.”

“Ivy,” she grumbled.

“I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Nikki said.

They reached the opposite wall, and stood outside another door. “Here we are,” the boy said. “Enter if you dare.” His eyes danced to the rhythm of the fire and glowed with mischief.

--

“There is a darkness that is threatening to overtake the city!” an old man with a singed gray beard shouted.

Ivy and Nikki glanced at each other, doubt written all over both of their faces. They were sitting in a small chamber room, on benches that seemed more fitting for a church than a workshop. There were around ten other people in the room, all alone, all of different ages and occupations. They all wore the same expressions of doubt. Three people had already left after the old man’s opening welcome. It was abundantly clear that the man had lost his mind.

“The cloud will consume! It will steal our breath, it will steal our children, it will steal the sky and the day will be cloaked in this darkness!” He pounded his hand on the podium.

He rambled on like this for what felt like eternity. More people tricked out slowly, shaking their heads. The only thing that kept Ivy from leaving with them was Nikki. She was listening, interested, if not quite believing a word. Every now and then, she’d look over at Ivy, grinning and chuckling at something particularly crazy. Ivy would smile back. Despite how insane this man obviously was, Ivy was having a good time.

The man continued to yell, as if he still had a room full of listeners. Ivy watched the spittle spray from his lips and was glad they weren’t sitting in the front row.

Then, all at once, it was over. The man gave a final, “We must use this inventions to fight that cloud of darkness!” and hit the podium once more for good measure. Then he stepped back from the podium and smoothed out his grease-stained shirt. He pulled a pair of round, golden spectacles from his pocket and blinked, as if seeing the audience for the first time. “What are you… did you really stay for the whole thing?” He asked, sounding bewildered.

Ivy looked around. The rest of the room was deserted except for a man dressed in a nice suit, snoozing on the back row.

“We did,” said Nikki. “Your organization sound intriguing! We’d like to join!”

“To… to Join?” The man’s eyes were big as shillings.

“That is allowed, isn’t it?” Nikki asked.

“Of course! Of course! We haven’t had any recruits for the cause since… We haven’t ever had recruits for the cause!” He whipped a cloth out from his back pocket, pulled the spectacles off his nose, and started polishing them.

There was a yawn from the back. The man in the nice suit stretched and blinked contented eyes at the trio in front of him. “Did you finally hook some, Thornton? About time!”

“I thought the day would never come, Jack,” Mr. Thornton said, shaking his head.

“Beats me why they’d want to stay,” said Jack.

“Excuse me,” Ivy said hesitantly. “But why are you here, then?”

Jack chuckled, stood, and pulled out a pocket watch. “Sure beats church, don’t it?” He snapped the watch closed, tipped his hat, and walked out.

Mr. Thornton watched him go before turning back to the girls. “I have absolutely no idea what to do with you two, but you are sorely needed in our cause. Thank you for joining.” He abruptly turned and marched through a door in the corner of the room. He pulled it shut, and the thud of a lock resounded through the now-silent room.

Nikki and Ivy looked at one another and shrugged before walking back to the door the boy had led them through. They opened it, and a beam of light fell on the boy’s face. He squinted up at them, his expression turning from confusion to surprise. He set down the little metal gadget he had been fiddling with and stood up. “You’re still here?” he asked.

“Why does everyone sound so surprised?” Nikki murmured to Ivy.

“Because it’s never happened before! And you want to join the cause?”

“I’m still not too sure about this whole initiation thing,” Ivy said.

“That was it!” the boy said. “You passed! No one ever listens to Mr. Thornton’s entire speech.”

“So does that mean…” Ivy started.

“Welcome aboard, Nikki and Daffodil” the boy said, shaking their hands in turn.

“Thanks, but the name’s Ivy.”

“Yeah, and speaking of which,” said Nikki, “we still don’t know yours.”

The boy grinned. “The name’s Lennox Greyson. Call me Grey.”


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Sat Sep 30, 2017 5:11 pm
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Virgil wrote a review...



Hi there Forti! This is Kays here back for another review after laying down for a bit to recharge because of a stomach ache and while I don't think I'll be able to earn my red star today I am able to push us farther towards our goal of 1500 and I'm able to try and plunge myself farther towards my next red star. Hopefully this review is more organized and less crummy than the last, haha.

“Well c’mon! What’re you waiting for?"


I wanted to point out this first line of dialogue in particular for a moment because...this doesn't seem to fit the character that we met in the last chapter? I'm a little confused because we're introduced to him as more mysterious because he's apart of this secret society that Nikki keeps babbling on about.

To be honest, I'm not a large fan of the whole light and dark part and the whole part about darkness but hopefully this'll be better than I expect and this'll be an interesting part of the novel. I'm also hoping that the world and whatever darkness is about to come upon them or whatever babble that went on in that pamphlet is more shades of gray than full-out a novel of light versus darkness which I can expect from you. Despite him being presented as dark, this secret society is supposed to be for those who are in the light or are following the light? I'm wondering if the light and dark are literal or metaphorical--we'll see.

“Oh, are you scared? Nikki!” he called, “I think your friend is too fragile to join you. This is why you shouldn’t have invited her!”


Again, the boy is being presented with villainous and dark undertones but I am interested with his character and why he acts or speaks like a villain might. That being said, for the sake of better timing and flow I'm going to suggest having him say 'Nikki!' after 'he called' because this makes more logical sense. At first he's speaking to Ivy and afterwards he's talking to Nikki about Ivy and how she's too fragile. I'm also confused as to why Nikki isn't scared of following a seventeen-or-less year old boy into the dark with him talking about a secret society. Why's Ivy even dragged along, anyway? How is she convinced when this is a potential danger to her being? There's the possibility of him being a murderer and he's leading them into the dark! That didn't make sense at all to me. Furthermore I wanted to talk about how absurd the boy sounds when talking to Ivy. Of course she's scared! She's been dragged along by Nikki who is babbling about a secret society into the darkness with a total stranger! How does he not understand the fear of him?

Finally, we're starting to delve into parts of the novel that I remember being talked about. I remember machines and a volcano and Ivy being a florist but that's about all I remember. The cloud will consume? I'm assuming this is talking about the volcano if I'm remembering correctly! A literal darkness and cloud, I'm assuming at this point? How is Ivy having a good time with this??? I'd be utterly confused! I also now remember his name being Grey. From what I can tell at this point the novel is going to be about them using the inventions to stop the volcano. Anyway, nice chapter!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Rook says...


you're not supposed to know about there being a volcano >:[
I wouldn't have told you if I thought you were gonna read this lol
It's kind of obvious when you know the "ending" of that particular mystery, but until then it just sounds like the babblings of an old man.
And Grey's character will resolve itself soon. Don't worry!



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Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:58 pm
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ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey again,

Nit-picks and nice moments:

sorted through them until he found a simple, rusty key.

"one" would probably fit better than "key" here.

“Well c’mon!

There should maybe be a comma between these two words.

“You should come with me on some of my jaunts around the city sometime. That’ll show you what walking for miles is like.”

This seems a bit random. It's set like it should be something very notable, but the content isn't really, if that makes sense? Just doesn't quite seem to fit.

The boy sighed and rubbed his neck.

I like how this seems to be an idiosyncracy of his.

Three people had already left after the old man’s opening welcome

Either one of "opening" or "welcome" is probably redundant.

We must use this inventions


Nikki and Daffodil,


Overall:

My only real problem with this is that a logical problem. The fact that nobody's ever stayed before suggests they've had people coming to them and not staying for a long time. That suggests many people have been to this meeting place. That suggests many people know of this society. How is it still so secret? Do they move about from place to place? It also surprises me that there aren't at least a few people who've stayed. Lots of people are suckers for conspiracy theories, which is what this seems to be commonly seen as. I'd have imagined a group of maybe seven or eight people talking amongst themselves in an echo chamber and convinced of this perhaps loosely evidenced thing. I'm not saying you have to do that in your story, cos obviously it's your plot, but I think I need some more reason to understand why this has remained such a one man band.

I think the characters' motivations for staying were done interestingly and subtly. I realised a bit too late that it was A Thing that Ivy never went outside, so it seems like this is her realising how much fun outside can be. That's a really unique reason to join such a society, which makes the plot interesting.

I also really loved the way you wove the setting in with the boy's characterisation. So whenever something went wrong with the place that not only told me how run-down it was but how used to it/still exasperated the boy was. That was very enjoyable to read.

Lastly, I like the sense of something huge to come. Having the last thing be him saying his name makes me think he's going to be hugely important later on, as is this whole society. This is definitely the start of something.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Mon Aug 07, 2017 1:45 pm
ChocoDanish says...



i like the stairs part XD




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Mon Aug 07, 2017 12:03 pm
ChocoDanish wrote a review...



“Oh, are you scared? Nikki!” he called, “I think your friend is too fragile to join you. This is why you shouldn’t have invited her!”. "Nikki!..." he called out. why do use colon instead of comma? what does the inside of the place look like? a warehouse? an abandon building? a bunker? a shed? tomb? all i know is it is underground. Still wanna know if you will describe ivy's looks. also it be nice if your lady characters are more expressive. more description please, it helps me imagine the type of world and characters your creating.




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Mon Jul 10, 2017 11:08 pm
Dossereana says...



I liked this one just like the other one, so I will go and reed the nekst one, :D :D




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Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:30 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Back again! I am so tickled and pleased by the fact that there were stairs in the darkness and this boy is somehow secretly bragging about being brave enough to go on. Of course that makes me wondering what will be at the end of the stairs. But before I got there, I found this:

“No way that was even a mile of stairs,” said Nikki. “You should come with me on some of my jaunts around the city sometime. That’ll show you what walking for miles is like.”


Another moment that really felt inauthentic to me. If Nikki and Ivy had been friends long enough for Nikki to want to take Ivy to whatever this situation is, I feel like they would have had this conversation some time before, and not now just because it's conveniently expository and beneficial to the reader.

Three people had already left after the old man’s opening welcome.


I don't know why I'm picking up on these moments with such strictness in this story, but here again is something that's written for the reader to know instead of considered from the characters' points of view. Like, they would have no way of knowing this fact -- only the author knows, and up to now, we've not been let in on any information that was secret from the characters, so it's jarring to have that happen now.

Despite how insane this man obviously was, Ivy was having a good time.


I think since we're in Ivy's head (right? that's what the header of this section was for, right?), that we could hear more about why she's having a good time. It's not clear for me what this says about Ivy's personality. Is it because Nikki is still there? Because of adrenaline from the stairs? Does she just like listening to people ramble on? Maybe that happens a lot in her shop. I'd like to know more!

Although I'm a bit put off by the ridiculousness of the fact that there's an initiation that they don't expect anyone to pass, I guess I could get with this if there's a lovely ridiculous cast of characters I'll get to know deeply as I read on. It was just not what I was expecting, after the first part of the chapter and the boy's attitude on the stairs -- like there was something scary, not something scarily boring, ahead of them.

Again, if you've any questions or comments about this review, PM or reply!

Hannah




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Sun Mar 05, 2017 10:44 am
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey fortis! I thought I'd review this just cause it looked interesting and I've been meaning to get into more people's LMS stories. And I definitely wasn't disappointed - I'm really loving this start to the story. (I did read the first part, too.)

There was one thing that was bothering me throughout, and that was wondering about the ages of Ivy and Nikki. I would have assumed Ivy was an adult, since she has her own shop, but I feel like Nikki's a kid, probably 12ish. And it's just an interesting combination - occasionally there's hints of Ivy considering Nikki significantly younger than her, but Nikki just seems to treat her like a friend. But then the boy talks down to Ivy, which is a little odd if she's an adult, though I suppose he could just have authority issues. I'd really like to be able to tell better at least what their rough ages are.

So I just had to laugh at the general absurdity of Mr. Thornton being so surprised and happy they would stay. I really can't help but wonder if he's just that bad at giving persuasive speeches, or if there's something more sinister going on here. Him locking the door was a little ominous.

I really like Nikki, and I like Ivy and Nikki's relationship. Nikki is just fun, and I like that Ivy is a little more toned down in comparison. And even though having Grey deliberately call Ivy the wrong name is a bit of a tired trope, here it was just endearing, and "Pansy" actually made me laugh out loud at the pun. Basically, I've sort of fallen in love with your characters already.

We must use this inventions to fight that cloud of darkness!

Typo! Should be "these inventions." Also, ooh, I wonder what inventions.

So, this is totally giving off a steampunk vibe to me and I kind of love it. (I love steampunk.) We haven't really seen any of the machines yet, but it already feels like steampunk and I'm excited to see the inventions. I'm hoping I'm not getting the wrong impression of the genre here.

Also, I kind of want to know if there's a reason why Nikki's eager to join the organization. It really contributes to her characterization as a little naive and exuberant, and I can't help but wonder what sparked her interest.

And okay, so this was more a ramble than a review, but hopefully just dumping my thoughts on here will prove to be useful. I really enjoyed this - will you let me know when you post the next part? <3




Rook says...


Thanks for the review it was really helpful and made me think about what I need to write next. Ivy's age is around the same as everyone else's I'm assuming. Although it is interesting to consider it Nikki's age to be significantly younger, I don't think that's where I want to go with this story. I think Ivy might be maybe 19 ish, nikki maybe 18, and the boy 17 ish. idk. they're all around that age.
Thanks again for the review!



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Mon Feb 27, 2017 11:05 pm
Feltrix says...



You're sure the name isn't "The Fire Beneath?"




Rook says...


Very Sure ;)




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