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denial through the lens of grief

by farq4d


You only exist in memory and film now. Even the ones that still speak, also live in my head or hang on the wall. That is all you have in common. 

Memory is a fickle thing, you know. Slowly, it disappears and when it doesn't, it dissolves or it congeals at the bottom of the cup where you can't reach it. 

I can't tell my friends, "My dad used to do that," or "My dad used to say that," without it being covered in a blanket of sadness, even if all I'm doing is trying to preserve you better than ashes.

I want to remember you for who you were before it all started, but I don't know what is real anymore. Memories change over time. I don't know what is real or a dream anymore. 

Two nights ago, in a dream, we laid on the trampoline in the backyard together. I know it was a dream because it was something we never did. 

In the dream, I told you, "I'm glad you're back. I missed you so much." You didn't say anything back. We stared up at the night sky. 

Last night I didn't dream at all because I stayed up so late looking through my phone for videos of you. It was a desperation I hadn't known until now. 

I'm scared I'm forgetting your voice, or the way you used to string together words. I'm scared I'm forgetting your laugh, or at least what caused you to do so. 

You will never know the new people I meet and they will never know you. Because of that, I think they will never know me either. 

Last Halloween, I drove you home from the hospital. I let you pick the music to play. You sang along, "Don't worry about a thing. 'Cause every little thing is going to be alright."

And I tried hard not to cry in front of you because I knew. I knew it wasn't going to be alright. I knew what was going to happen. And two weeks from then, the day happened. 

I think about that day a lot. I already wrote about what happened. I didn't tell anyone what happened afterward. My mom told me they were taking you away and asked if I wanted to say goodbye. 

I didn't say a word. I shook my head. I didn't want to look at you like that again. I didn't want to see you like that again, ever again. I thought, "That's not my dad. That's a body in the bedroom. My dad is not a body in the bedroom."

But my sisters got up to go. And my brothers got up to go. But I sat still on the couch in the living room, staring at the black television with no tears in my eyes. 

Now I think, maybe I should have gone too, maybe I should have said goodbye. But what use would it have been to say goodbye to unhearing ears?

As good of use as writing letters to someone who can't see. 


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Mon Apr 08, 2024 6:34 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is a very powerful piece here. Its a simple enough idea to explore but you do a very powerful deep dive here, really diving in deep to the idea of how such a thing can effect a person.

Anyway let's get right to it,

You only exist in memory and film now. Even the ones that still speak, also live in my head or hang on the wall. That is all you have in common.

Memory is a fickle thing, you know. Slowly, it disappears and when it doesn't, it dissolves or it congeals at the bottom of the cup where you can't reach it.

I can't tell my friends, "My dad used to do that," or "My dad used to say that," without it being covered in a blanket of sadness, even if all I'm doing is trying to preserve you better than ashes.


Well this is a very powerful start here. You never quite say out loud what happened but you really nail in exactly what's happening in every other way possible and I think that's very well done letting us come to the realization and how those meanings really take hold that much more powerfully.

I want to remember you for who you were before it all started, but I don't know what is real anymore. Memories change over time. I don't know what is real or a dream anymore.

Two nights ago, in a dream, we laid on the trampoline in the backyard together. I know it was a dream because it was something we never did.

In the dream, I told you, "I'm glad you're back. I missed you so much." You didn't say anything back. We stared up at the night sky.

Last night I didn't dream at all because I stayed up so late looking through my phone for videos of you. It was a desperation I hadn't known until now.


Oooh this is really creating some hard hitting moments here. Its not something you see that often in acknowledging grief, the fear of how as time passes you slowly tend to loose the little that you have left of someone and you start to wonder if what you do remember has been twisted unrecognizable over time.

I'm scared I'm forgetting your voice, or the way you used to string together words. I'm scared I'm forgetting your laugh, or at least what caused you to do so.

You will never know the new people I meet and they will never know you. Because of that, I think they will never know me either.

Last Halloween, I drove you home from the hospital. I let you pick the music to play. You sang along, "Don't worry about a thing. 'Cause every little thing is going to be alright."

And I tried hard not to cry in front of you because I knew. I knew it wasn't going to be alright. I knew what was going to happen. And two weeks from then, the day happened.


Oh my this is somehow managing to slowly get even more saddening over time. Just the idea that person had to experience the last few days of the person's life knowing what was going to happen despite the person being so happy and trying to make it seem like everything would be alright.

I think about that day a lot. I already wrote about what happened. I didn't tell anyone what happened afterward. My mom told me they were taking you away and asked if I wanted to say goodbye.

I didn't say a word. I shook my head. I didn't want to look at you like that again. I didn't want to see you like that again, ever again. I thought, "That's not my dad. That's a body in the bedroom. My dad is not a body in the bedroom."

But my sisters got up to go. And my brothers got up to go. But I sat still on the couch in the living room, staring at the black television with no tears in my eyes.

Now I think, maybe I should have gone too, maybe I should have said goodbye. But what use would it have been to say goodbye to unhearing ears?

As good of use as writing letters to someone who can't see.


Ahhh that's a perfect little ending here. Its a beautiful touchstone to how things started and those last two lines are very powerful here. The way you also describe how things go once its actually discovered works very well too as the person is just trying to come to terms with it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this is very well done here. You capture the grief so powerfully and the way you progress from the processing to the moment where it was all discovered really ties this story up incredibly well.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate




farq4d says...


hey, thanks so much for taking the time to leave this review. I'm glad you felt like I captured grief accurately. I'm also glad you liked those last two sentences, cause I thought they were pretty cool too



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Sat Apr 06, 2024 1:26 am
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Wr3n wrote a review...



Hey hi, my name is Wren and this is only my like 6th review but I'm trying!

To start, I really hope this isn't speaking from experience and if it is, I am so sorry. The descriptions are so detailed and vivid, it really helps put the reader into the narrators shoes. Swear I almost cried reading this. All of the metaphors help the sentences flow smoothly, and are a nice, emotional addition to the main point. The idea of grief is such a large concept of which you captured perfectly. Everything was written in a way that reminded me that death is a constant, and one day my dad will pass away, so I should make the most of the time we have. This was a great story and an amazing read.




farq4d says...


hey, thank you. i'm glad that my story moved you to treasure the time you have with your loved ones



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Wed Apr 03, 2024 3:05 pm
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aaliyahlaurier wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Hi, it's Aaliyah! Super excited to review this work for you.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
This is a heartbreaking story about a daughter grieving the loss of her father. This one will destroy me.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I truly think this is beautiful the way it is. Really tugged at my heartstrings. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
"You will never know the new people I meet and they will never know you. Because of that, I think they will never know me either."

I love this line. I know how it feels when you lose someone you love and a big part of you goes with them.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
This was overall a great writing piece and I'd love to hear more from you. Sending you so much love.




farq4d says...


hey thanks so much for taking the time to leave this review. I really appreciate it




"It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."
— William Shakespeare