The wire breaks
The window shakes
The people hurry out
The composer starts to shout
The others look on with disdain
as if the pianosist caused them pain
the pianoist has tears on her cheaks
leaving bloody little streaks
they killed her the main part
now anouther show won't start
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You need structure, and more description perhaps. But i think it has a really good flow. And you spelled cheek wrong.
So yeah after revising this and giving it the proper structure I think it wouldbe alot better. Because to be honest I didn;t really understand what it was about.
Well good luck!
Hope that helped, although I'm not really a poetic...
Oooh! I like this one! My only critiques are "pianoist" isn't a word, the term should be "pianist" and "anouther" should be "another" and "cheaks" is "cheeks." I don't get the line "they killed her the main part" but it might just be me. Great poem! I can't wait to see more!
~Yoyo