So this is mostly my work but i did have someone help me with editing and re-wording. A couple of the lines in this are Springrains or June and actully this makes alot more sense with htose line, so don't give me all the credit.
Two worlds came together;
Two lives became one.
They thought it would be forever,
But Times plans weren't done.
The man bore scars of a diffrent race
Marked across his gentle face
His heart wore a diffrent kind
To this world, all to blind.
Set apart with years of strife
He ended up mistreating her, right
The day came when she saw the pain,
Thought she cause it ended as a stain.
Down on the street where it all began,
Where he first asked for her hand;
Drowning and cutting;His heart was tore
Till he became a soul to mourn.
Two lives had come together,
And now their days are done;
We give them to the earth forever,
They’ve finally become one.
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I like the way you describe the difference of the man from the woman... As if he was the one not fitting in, and despite his efforts, it wasn't possible for those two to be happy in this world... It feels like a story from the past, the first thought I had was racial differences. But it could also be different statuses in the society... These kinds of relationships are still discriminated against in so many places in the world. It is a simple yet effective way in which you talk about this problem.
Let me start off----->
Okay, This poem reminded me slightly of "Romeo and Juliet" actually, more than slightly.
On to the reveiw:
This stops the flow, maybe use, 'And two lives became one."
They thought it would be forever,
Lower case on times. I think It would sound better as, "But plans time wasn't done." Maybe?
Typo. different.
the second to last word should be too, not to.
Take out the right on the end. It doesn't do anything and frankly, ruins the flow.
First, it's caused not cause. Second, "It ended as a stain." I really don't think this is appropriate to put here. It doesn't fit. It just doesn't make sense. Take it out and try substituting it with something else.
I thought it began where the worlds came together? think of a different setting.
This sentence is flow stopping! Where he first asked? So he asked before? Get rid of 'first'
Here we go into the blood and gore... and depression! This started as a warm, cozy type of poem, why change it? Yes, there are poems that change emotion but I don't think this poem is the one to do it in. Not now when your so close to the end. You shouldn't have good. happy. sunshine. Blood! Death! Gore! Depression! Get what I mean? So contradicting, not in a good way.
Til, well, I suppose you could have it 'Till'. Either way. Thought you should know your options!
Who is this we? change it up a little.
I thought they were already one? Well, if not, don't say so in the beginning! Change it.
Okay Evan, this was a better poem that I've read of yours. Well, it's not all yours because it was co-written with June. Thank June if you haven't. Anyway, this poem had some rough spots and I could definitely tell where she helped out. Polish it from the comments and I'll be back. Just PM me.
---Jon---
First of all, I love this poem. It has a very beautiful rhythm that could be turned into a song. Your first two paragraphs are probably the best:
But this one kind of disrupts the rhtyms and I don't really understand it, especially
and
I like how you wrapped the poem up by repeating back to your first paragraph
"two live had come together" that berings the poem to an end, which most people forget to do gracefully sometiems.
Is it always the writers job to tell the whole story. I don't think it is because once you tell the whole story there is nothing left for you to think about and ponder the most important lessons or feelings or moments in life are the ones you figure out for yourselve. That being said thanks because i could tell you got the message of teh poem and had enough truthfullness to say something.
this poem says alot yet says very little.
(you can interpret that both in a good and bad way)
you said something profoud but, you say enough...but to add more would be saying too much.
I say that you need to make changes to the poem ( with out having to add to it)
I know what you meant to say
but it's your job as a writer to say it...
keep up the good work...
Ok, there is something about the way that you framed everything that just gave me this PERFECT picture of what the girl looked like and the guy she was with.
I think that you told the story well, it was simple, not to cliche' and yet had a good beginning middle and end
The only thing that kinda set me off was :
"Set apart with years of strife
He ended up mistreating her, right
The day came when she saw the pain,
Thought she cause it ended as a stain."
I don't exactly understand what you mean by "Mistreating her, right" ?
and then that last one
"Thought she cause it ended as a stain"
I really would like to hear what you meant by that!
and I can't get over how much i love the ending stanza:
"Two lives had come together,
And now their days are done;
We give them to the earth forever,
They’ve finally become one."
Love your style! Keep it up!
Interesting poem. Some things could be fixed, but they're pretty small.
Shouldn't it be, "Time's" or something. And I like how you capitalized the "T"
Isn't it, "different", not "diffrent?"
What do you mean here?
Did they die or something?
Also, the rhyme scheme isn't the same in every stanza. In the first and last, it's every other line, but in the second, it's first, second and third, foruth. The other two have only the last two lines rhyme with each other.
The first and last stanzas are similar, with just a different wording, but I guess that's repetition, and works the way you did it.
Very meaningful poem. Keep writing!
this is good. it kept me interested throughout, just one stanza didn't make sense:
the last line doesn't really make sense and I don't really get what you were going for here. maybe try and rewrite it.
~guitargrl~
Not much of a poet but I liked this poem. It had a really nice beat, and theme, and the ending I particularly liked.
Just thought I'd pass a bit of good mood off onto somebody.
~Alice~
Your friendly neighborhood water nymph vampire.