The darkness came, passed, and went away
stealing not a second today
I held on to every single last drop
of light, it hurt, but I didnt stop.
People always told me to think in with the crowd;
but the crowd got noisy, and was always too loud.
So I cut myself off, made myself scarce,
and became the hermit, I lived my farce.
The tears showed through almost everyday,
leaving the world and people nothing to say.
They passed by without any words,
flying away like tiny little birds.
deserting me, all alone,
my fate set in stone.
The depression never gone,
the only help came from songs.
But eventually the light will disapear,
leaving hatred and darkness so near;
that I can hold on to that instead
bleeding from cuts from toes to head.
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141,428 Literary Works • 674,409 Reviews
Okay so the fourth grade lesson tutor was kinda low and i know how to write and sue grammar and how to make things flow. i just don't its my style i like it to jerk around and if you cant get it through your head then don't but i only take advie when its actully good advice.
Hey Evan, It's Jon.
The flow is really halted here, try adding more words to the second line.
It should help.
Too many syllables here. It makes it tough and not enjoyable. Also, it contradicts what you said above. I thought the darkness came and left in less than a second?
you need a apostrophe in didn't. I think this line could be taken out.
Try, People always told me, "Think with the crowd."
This seems really forced and it's not the only time.
Forced. Here http://www.lessontutor.com/kw7.html
I know, It's grade 4 but you have to start somewhere!
Listen to the advice, try it.
I've also noticed that you don't capitalize The beginning of sentences, which is fine, but do it for all of them. Not just a couple. You need to improve your writing skills, take the time to learn. Then afterwards, show me what you really have!
---Jon---
Wow. That's all I had to say when I was done with this. It's just so, so heartfelt and real. It really lets the reader feel the emotions. I can't see any mistakes or anything I would change, it was perfection. I hope, as the previous editor did, that writing this did make you feel better. That's how it is with me anyway... Keep writing, please
It was great.
Well, this is definitely....dark. The actual flow of rhyming seems a bit off to me but that's probably due to my being used to the styles followed in music. The message is made clear to the reader, which is always a good thing, and it's my thinking that this piece took with it a huge burden from your shoulders, and the expression of emotion is what art's about right?
Overall you're working is pretty good, just a little too depressing for my personal preferences.