We say nothing but we say it loud,
going through life ignorant and proud.
that burnt in smile leaving my face,
because of a child's intelligence and grace,
to be true im the books i used to burn,
I'm that child that longs to learn.
I'm some unknown, not known of now,
but I'll help the world, I'll find out how.
I'm not important the things I say dont matter,
unless to teach those that come latter.
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,575 Reviews
Hey there Evan! June here as promised!
Seeing that you told me this is based on the book Fahrenheit 451, I understand where this is coming from. However, for someone who has neither read it, nor knows what this is about, this comes off rather vague. Vagueness in poetry isn't bad; but when it's done, it needs something concrete to lay upon.
However, I do like this poem. When I first read it aloud, I couldn't quite grasp the feel of it. As I read it slower, and in a less excited tone, it made a lot of sense.
Here are my nit-picks:
I didn't understand this at first. When I read it a second time, I figured that you mean a smile that was burnt into your face, meaning that it was so common to see there, leaves your face?
This came off semi-abruptly; I think if you reworded this, and made it easier for the reader to see what you are talking about, then this line would be perfect.
This sounds like forced rhyme here. You don't speak or hint to us in the above lines that this has anything to do with children. I'm not saying that it can't; the way this line drags a bit because of length makes it feel awkward and out of place.
"im" should have a capital I and an apostrophe; I'm. That is-- if you meant I'm. At first I read it as In. I should always be capitalized.
The second part of the poem after the comma is... unfitting. It comes off awkwardly when read aloud, dear, and forced rhyming begins to speak here again. Scratch it out, and rewrite it differently. You may even be able to keep the rhyme scheme.
dont should be spelled with an apostrophe; don't.
On the whole, Evan, you did a great job here. You didn't give us much foundation to lay on here, so it left the reader a little confused. When I spoke to you, and you told me what inspired it, I was able to understand this a lot more.
Watch your rhyming schemes; you don't need to force them. Forcing them shows alot, unfortunately, and takes away a good deal from the overall feeling of the poem.
Drop it sometimes; or polish this well to make it flow effortlessly. Forcing is just not what you need to do here.
Personally, I liked it. You did a good job here. Keep it up, dear.
7/10
June
Hi there! I'm Dark Angel, and I'll be critiquing your poem today! ^^
So, I have a few things to point out about this. All in all, I agree with Suzanne's evaluation - great poem, but very abstract. Here are a couple more nitpicks for you.
That should be burnt-in, if I interpreted it right...
Two things here: First, add a semicolon or comma between "important" and "the;" second, "latter" is used improperly here. I know it rhymes, but the grammar makes no sense to me. If it was "later," that would make sense, but yes, it doesn't rhyme. Try a different rhyming pair here, while still saying what you mean.
Overall, pretty good work! With a little improvement, it could be better. I'd say 7.5/10. Good work!
~Dark Angel
Two quick comments:
Not known of now? What?1. Capitalize the pronoun I.
2. Punctuate properly - it makes reading the poem easier.
Other than that the major problem of this poem is that I can't tell what it's about. It's complicated and you're talking about a lot of things at once, but I can't really tell what any of them are. First you're talking about "we", then "I". This line, especially, doesn't make sense to me:
I think the ideas, on their own (going through life ignorant and proud, I am the books I burn) are good, but together it's like a mish mash of something wild, and I can't get anything out of it. Try to make the idea more concrete, and easier to understand. Don't just throw the thoughts at us, let them bloom to full so they can be experienced and comprehended.
I hope that helps! If you have any questions feel free to ask.