Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
i drink alcohol
to heal my skin
the secrets of my damned
soul
are under my fingernails
i paint them
to cover the dirtiness
of the damage i've caused
-
i drink alcohol
so i don't worry
about the bricks
stacked around me
and so i can
speak freely
about how
fucked up i truly am
-
i drink alcohol
because he did too
maybe he was
messed up
and i guess
i could've helped
but
i smelled it
before he hit
me into hell
-
i drink alcohol
so i can
be loose
and carefree
my last few days
before i die
from the pain
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello , you requested a review from the famous Kat of Team WHY? (I'm not really famous)
Let's get down to business. Not going to nag you about capitalization but it just bothers me when people don't capitalize the letter "I" XD pretty dark here , thanks for rating it appropriately (reads it anyways haha). This was really really good and really tragic at the same time. I have friends like this and it doesn't make them bad people but it can still be hard to watch . careful with flow and that you don't make it to choppy , like you did putting soul all by itself that was a bit distracting . Great use of symbolism and analogies here .
Sorry I didn't want to repeat previous comments >.<
~Kat
Lylas
Your poem was extremely deep. I was most intrigued by the double function of alcohol as it is the substance that mollifies and wounds the speaker. The alcohol seems able to reach emotional wounds that traditional medicine might not, making it valuable. But at the same time, the speaker appears to be ravaged physical as implied by the last line of the first stanza. The alcohol seems able to construct another world inside the speaker's head which is separate from the world composed of the bricks which the speaker references. Ironically, the alcohol sets the truth free as the speaker has no trouble revealing his ills when under its influence.
Hi, Lylas! I'm just going to dive into this one.
Introduction:
I love your work. I really, truly love your work. I've been literally thinking for hours about how to describe it, and I can only really think of one word: raw. You write with such passion, such pain and such beauty... it's overwhelming.
Formatting and Punctuation:
N/A - Free Verse
Flow and Phrasing:
Flow, especially in poetry, is obviously very subjective. But I'd just like to suggest a few edits to line breaks, if I may...?
I think that this would flow better if it were,
It puts more emphasis on your metaphor (which is a beautiful one, by the way
I recommend putting "messed up" on its own line, for emphasis. Like this:
"maybe he was
messed up"
Vocabulary:
I know you're a great writer, and I bet you just overlooked this: the word "dirtiness" can be replaced by so many more powerful things!
This is really the only issue here, anyway...
Grammar:
N/A - Free Verse
Style:
As I said before, your writing's so beautiful and passionate and raw... I just can't resist reviewing it!
Also:
I just want to apologize for the rushed review. But I meant everything I said!
Keep writing,
IronSpark
This truly means so much to me! I will edit as you have suggested, you have great points! Thank you so much <3
This was freaking beautiful. I'll review properly later, but I just wanted to tell you that. What an amazingly depressing poem.
<333
Hi Lylas,
Here to rip your poem up! (Hopefully not)
Ok I'm going to break my review up a bit here...
Content
I loved the theme of this poem, especially the power in the first and last stanzas, the ideas of "to heal my skin" and "loose and carefree my last few days". Definitely great job in this area!
Grammar
Your spelling is great, and I'm not sure if using the lowercase I was intentional. Cool if it is, but you should definitely change it if it was just a typo! I know that this is a freestyle poem, but the lack of punctuation threw me off a bit. As author, it's your decision, but I think that it would help readers a bit more if you used some punctuation to break it up.
Word choice
Very good in this area, not repetitive! (Except the "I drink alcohol" part, but there wasn't any repetition without good reason or emphasis)
Overall
Wonderful poem, although I think it could use some punctuation in there. I love the message and style a lot, so keep writing!
Sorry if this sounds somewhat like a rubric. That was not my intent.
-Falco
Thank you! Yes, I choose to not include punctuation nor capitalization in my poems. I feel the reader should choose where to breath and how to make it sound. Thanks!