Accounts of Her Name are Lost in The Basement

Hey there! I like this poem. Although to some it can seem like blaming the victim, I know personally how easy it is to get "addicted" to those negative thoughts, though thankfully I have never taken it that far.

The main suggestion I have, which applies to the entire poem, is to eliminate the "that"s that each second line begins with, then add a comma to the first line. I think it would make the poem a lot more poetic, and it would flow more smoothly.

It would look like this:

"she became so obsessed with the rain,
she started a storm in her eyes

she became so infatuated with the pills,
she choked on them for breakfast, lunch, and dinner."

I would also either put a period at the end of every stanza. Right now, you only have one after "dinner," which makes it stick out and look weird. You could just remove that one, but I think it would be better to but a period after every stanza. That will make the reader pause for a split second, which will allow the meaning of the stanza to sink in more.

The one last thing I would recommend is to make it so you don't need those dashes in there to separate stanzas. YWS formatting is kind of counter-intuitive. What you have to do, if you don't want to make a new stanza, is press "shift+enter" when you make a new line. If you do want to make a new stanza, just press "enter." The lines in stanzas will be grouped together, and you won't have to use the dashes, which are really distracting.

Anyway, great poem! Looking forward to more of you work. Good luck and keep writing!

Hello there! Luata here to write a review. I haven't been very active for a while so my review writing skills are a little rusty, but just to make sure you know, I'm going to try to focus on the emotion of the piece, less than the grammar since there are so many more people on this website who are much better at mistake detecting than I am.

This poem is relatively short, but very well written. I have nothing negative to say about this poem, very good all round. The way that you started on what seemed to be a bottom level and then progressed upward, almost like a ladder was very good, it really makes a person stop and think as well as giving the ascension feel to the poem itself.

I'm sorry that I don't understand, but I would appreciate it greatly if you could explain to me what the line, "She became so obsessed with the rain, that she started a storm in her eyes." I understand most of the other lines, but this one is just a little tricky. I have a vague idea but I would like to hear it straight from the author!

Other than that, kudos to you for creating a very good realistic piece.
-Luata

This poem was very artistic and taken from a great point of view. I loved the first line, by the way. I also liked how you spaced each stanza with a dash. The second stanza sort of took all the symbolism away from the poem though, and that stanza should be a bit towards the end. And one more thing, It would look better if you capitalized your letters. Anyway, good work. c: