And here are chapters 4 and 5! They are placed together as they're both really short and they tie in together. I know that it is unclear of what is happening, perhaps even if you've read from the Prologue to here, but I promise it will be cleared up within due time. I wonder how many have uncoded it? If you've read from the prologue, chances are you've figured a few things out! If you want to know if you're right, PM me! You probably are ![]()
Chapter 4
“I cannot believe you would do such a thing, Dellan!” the elder scolded coldly, throwing his hands into the air. “Larraza reported you coming into the village with a strange girl who's hands were around your waist! How can you possibly think that such an offence would go unnoticed?” He turned and glared daggers at the boy. Just who did he think he was?
Dellan sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb. He just didn't understand how the man could be so cold towards somebody he had only just met. “Thild,” he began softly, “Lakisha is of no threat, I'm sure of it. She obviously isn't from around here, and if you would believe her story, you would realize that she couldn't possibly have any clue about our rules. She's already apologized so why can't you just let it slide?”
Thild spun around, clutching the rims of the florescent orange gazebo on which he now stood. “I have raised you since you were only ten years old and I thought I had taught you well! Why do you choose to turn on me now?” he shouted, voice quavering with held-back sobs.
“I am not turning on you! If she wanted to do anything to harm us, she would have done it already! Stop being so cold and stubborn!” Dellan shouted back, shoving a finger at the man's back. The man knew nothing! If he had been there and seen her, he would have known, too. If he had been with him that morning only weeks before Lakisha's arrival...
His thoughts were broke into by an infuriated elder. “Don't you dare tell me I am cold and stubborn! I am only trying to do what is best for you and for the rest of us! She could be dangerous! What if she is a Cloak dressed in foolish clothing sent to spy on us? How are you to know she isn't?” he was practically growling. Dellan had really done it this time!
“Because I know! I would tell you if I wasn't sworn to secrecy! I swear it, she is not a threat to us! The only way she will become a threat is if you are cold towards her!” Dellan didn't wait for Thild to reply, he simply turned on his heal and headed back towards the hall where Lakisha was waiting with the other elders. Thild had always been such an understanding man. Did age really turn a heart to stone as they said it did?
To make matters worse, the home he was staying in and had been staying in for seven years now was not his, but Thild's. How was he going to convince the man to let Lakisha take up the spare room? Dellan had thought that he would have been at least a little warmer towards Lakisha's arrival. After all, he had taken Dellan in without question when he had shown up on the man's doorstep ten years earlier. He would have to educate Lakisha, perhaps that would get Thild off her back.
He could sense somebody glaring at him, and assuming it Thild, he shook the feeling. The old grouch could go crawl under a rock for a few days for all Dellan cared.
Chapter 5
Lakirius, one of the village elders and Thild's cherished friend, glared at Dellan from the shadows. After Thild had asked to speak to Dellan alone, Lakirius had taken it upon himself to eavesdrop. He was deeply disturbed at Dellan's affection towards the girl. There was no doubt that she would soon grow to feel deeply for Dellan, which made him a major obstacle. Dellan would have to die, and he would have to die soon. Lakirius stared off into the sunset for a moment, trying to decipher what to do. The oranges and the pinks were flung around the sky in no apparent order. Not much revelation there. He cast his stare back to where Thild leaned over the rails on the gazebo, head in his hands and blubbering like an infant.
He decided it best to approach Thild and encourage his wrath towards the boy. Perhaps he would cast Lakisha out, leaving her for Lakirius to turn. Oh how much easier that would make his life! There also would be so much less blood on his hands that way. He took a step out of the dark alleyway and towards Thild. He stepped onto the gazebo's thin platform and placed a hand gingerly on Thild's shoulder.
“What do I do my dear friend?” Thild murmured pathetically, not needing to look up to see who had approached him. He had known Lakirius for so long that he knew him by his very footsteps.
“You are very much right, Thild. Lakisha may pose a major threat to our peaceful lands. It may be best to let the boy hurt for a small time and cast the girl out of the village. I fear that no good will come of her being here, and a few days of pain is much easier to endure than an eternity.” Lakirius cleared his throat, hoping he sounded convincing to the man.
“You may just be right, Lakirius.” Thild sighed deeply, “I just don't want to break the boy's heart. He's all I have that's close to family other than you. I couldn't bare to see him hurting.” Lakirius watched as Thild lifted his head and gazed out at the forest in the distance.
Lakirius bit his lip. Thild had managed yet again to snake his way into his heart. He was betraying his best friend by doing this... but he needed his revenge on the other elders. His heart would not settle until it was so. Perhaps he could find a way to spare Thild, or perhaps even turn him along with Lakisha. Was he really willing to loose his dear friend over something that was not his fault in the slightest? I suppose I am. What they did deserves a punishment worse than death! Lakirius thought, an attempt at reassuring himself.
“Do what you must to protect your village and your world, my friend. It's one boy or countless thousands.” With that, Lakirius turned and headed back towards his home, silently pleading that Thild would take a course in action that would help him along. Nobody knew of his dark secret, his true identity. He needed Thild to cooperate with him, even if he wasn't aware of his betrayal.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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You know the drill...
You just need a bit less of it. Either that, or a bit more description.
This reviews going to be another short one; sorry! Like I said in my last review, everything I would mention, I've already mentioned in my last few reviews.
Although, this one's slightly different. Mostly because of the description. It's not the usual nit-pick though. I think that there's a bit of a lack of description this time! There's an awful lot of dialogue, which doesn't actually bother me too much. Although, I know for a fact that it would bother other people!
I'm not telling you to start clumping in the descriptions again! Just sprinkle snippets of descriptions now and then in between the dialogue. What the characters are saying in the dialogue is pretty good though! Well done for that
I'm still liking the characters e.t.c though!
Well, I'm off to the last chapter now! I'm planning on doing a thorough review for you on that one.
xoxo Skins
It's been revised, but I still need some suggestions!
Understood and being applied. I seemed to notice that I was doing alright up until chapter 3. Things started getting rockier there...

I'm fixing things up on OpenOffice now. I might fix them here as well...but I might just let this be and hope that any future reviewers trust that I've done my job.
Thanks!
Ten years... old?
Overview
Not much to say, since these two chapters were mostly dialogue. Again, try to separate dialogue and add more description. There isn't enough of it. They just blahblahblah and we don't know anything else - are they moving around? Twiddling their fingers? Rolling their eyes?
You don't describe how they say their dialogues well, either. To me, it just appears to be a bunch of people sitting on the ground, chatting, and not really expressing how they feel.
Your style isn't one that I personally like. It feels like one of those books that I surf through and then cast back onto the shelf. You need to make things flow better. Add more description in appropriate spots - let us relate to the characters more! I think character development is one of your issues, based on chapter three, four, and five.
I really hope to see some separated, divided, and elaborate dialogues and actions in chapter six. Fluidity in a story is really important, and your style doesn't possess it. It's really bland.