Okay, so this is the first couple of pages from my latest attempt at a novel. We havn't gotten to the fantasy part yet, but that's pretty much what it will be. I want some constructive critism so that I can get it published some day... I have renamed Lulu to Lakisha (I have a friend to thank for that one!) and Bob is going to stay the same. I also added a bit to it, and this is the complete 1st chapter. It's short, but oh well! The 'spoiler' is the add on.
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Chapter 1
“Move it kid!” Some guy clad in a business suit and carrying a briefcase shouted, shoving Lakisha with his free hand. Lakisha stumbled to her side, nearly falling into a group of squabbling middle-aged women.
“Sorry, excuse me,” she muttered, turning her attention into the sidewalk beneath her feet. She passed the women, who were now staring daggers at her. No need to be shouted at again. Lakisha lifted her head and stared out at the sidewalk in front of her. That is, where there was sidewalk to stare at. She had never seen downtown Saskatoon so busy before! This street was usually pretty quiet in her opinion, but today there wasn't enough room to weave her way around the crowd to guitar lessons.
She pulled her guitar strap closer to her body and peered ahead, searching for a break in the crowd. There! She spotted a skinny break in the bodies and trudged forward. It isn't even rush hour yet! She complained to herself. She groaned at the thought of walking back through the crowds, which would be intensified by the time she got out of guitar when everybody would be driving home from work.
She was startled when an icy-cold hand coiled itself around her wrist. She twisted quickly, clobbering a passing pedestrian with her guitar case. She didn't bother to apologize when he yelled at her, she had bigger problems now. She was staring at a ghoulishly thin man who had hit at least his mid 80's. His white hair and beard were tangled and matted as if they hadn't been groomed in years. His glazed over blue eyes penetrated hers and a shiver crawled up her spine. Her body tensed and her breathing grew shallow. He spoke, “Your time has come.” She was released and the man hobbled away, disappearing into the crowds. Lakisha stood there for a moment, rocking back and forth on her toes, trembling and trying to recompose herself. What was that all about? She wondered, genuinely confused. She decided quickly that she'd really rather not find out.
She was snapped back to reality when some guy with roller blades nearly ploughed her flat into the pavement. She stumbled backwards, but managed to regain composure before falling into a lamppost. “Watch it! Whadda you think your doing kid?” He shouted rudely. She glared at his back. He had run into her, not the other way around. Lakisha shook her head and trudged on, reassuring herself that the man had just been one of those the-end-of-the-world cooks she always saw on the movies.
~*~
Lakisha finally found herself at her guitar teacher's front door. She stared at his old-fashioned white washed house for a moment before running up the front steps and rapping loudly on the door. The image of the old man swam through her vision and the words repeated themselves, “Your time has come... Your time has come,” they didn't stop until Bob, Lakisha's friend and guitar teacher opened the door.
“You're late,” he muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
“Sorry,” Lakisha apologized, shaking her head, “ traffic was horrible today! Is there something going on downtown?” She didn't dare bring up the creepy guy who had grabbed her wrist.
Bob shrugged, “Must be a sale on I guess,” he replied, moving to the side so that Lakisha could enter the house. He closed it when she was safely inside. “Okay, let's get started!” he smiled, more enthusiastic than before, and clapped his hands loudly.
Lakisha beamed. Guitar was her one chance every week to get away from life. She sat on her favourite stool, the yellow one with the blue dots all over it and began to play her scales as a quick warm-up. She let the
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music envelope her, and slowly the images of the man disappeared from her mind's eye. She absorbed all the praise Bob gave her and began to play with true passion.
“Hey,” her instructor interrupted her playing. Lakisha stopped strumming and placed a hand over her strings to stop the vibrations, listening intently. “Your mother tells me you can sing as well as you can play. Why don't you try it? The best part about guitar is that you don't need to use your mouth to play it.” he winked at her.
Lulu gulped, she had never been asked to sing before. Sure, singing was her second passion, but she had horrible stage-fright when it came to belting out her voice to even her own parents. “Ummm...” she began, praying Bob would change his mind. “I don't know what to sing.”
“I know it's out of season, but you know how to play Silent Night. Why don't you sing and play it for me?” He suggested. Laksiha hated his helpfulness. She shook her head violently. “Oh come on Lakisha, if your mom says you have a good voice, you have a good voice.” He squeezed her shoulder, trying to be encouraging. Lakisha found that it only encouraged her fear.
She sighed and nodded. She would sing for him, just this once. She cleared her throat and put her hands by her strings and began to sing the old Christmas carol, trying to sound convincing. She followed Bob with her eyes, watching his head bob up and down in approval. Maybe her mom hadn't been lying after all. Bob was all but clapping and shouting for more. She smiled and began belting out the words to the song, never skipping a note, never missing a beat. When the music stopped, Bob beamed and clapped for her.
“That was absolutely amazing Lakisha! Do you know anything else?” he patted her back in approval.
Lakisha nodded, she knew loads of songs that she could sing equally as well as play. She began another Christmas song, Away in a Manger. The rest of the two-hour class time she had went by in that manner. Bob would suggest an song, and if she knew it, Lulu would sing it. She sighed after Bob told her they were running a good half an hour late. “You're mom'll be having a spazz attack. You'd best get home.” he told her, holding the door open.
Lakisha nodded and descended down the three stairs. She waved him goodbye and began to walk home. She was so pleased with herself that she had to strain to keep from skipping down the sidewalk. Instead she smiled broadly. She decided on taking the back alley rout home to avoid the rush hour traffic and began her trek down the back alley.
The alley way was surprisingly quiet, almost creepy. Lakisha gulped, she had heard way to many stories about gangs hiding out in the shadows just waiting for some innocent person to pass by. She shivered and fiddled with her guitar strap out of nervous habit. Her vision clouded momentarily and she stopped dead in her tracks to rub her eyes. Everything eased back into view in a few seconds and she took a hesitant step forward. Her head began to spin and her surroundings tipped and she stumbled to the side. An image of the blue-eyed man crept its way into Lakisha's subconscious. She wanted to cry out for help, but no words would come, so she sank to her knees, feeling cold mud and water seep through her denim jeans. A sudden pain shot up her spine and she tried desperately to scream. Sound refused to penetrate her lips. She grabbed her head in her hands, teeth grinding. The pain had made its way up to the base of her neck and she began to shake violently. She managed a single scream before her world died. Everything was black, the pain gone.
Spoiler! :
The middle-aged man stood on his deck, eyes wide, mouth gaping. He gripped the railing to keep from falling over. His grasp was so hard his knuckled were white and he could feel splinters prickling his fingers. The girl had just disappeared! There one moment, gone the next! No flashy lights or sparkles, just nothingness. He had heard the scream and barged through his back door to see what all the commotion was about. He saw the girl in a heap on
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the damp ground, shaking and screaming. He step to his deck stairs, never taking his eyes off the girl. He made it to the the deck railing when the girl had vanished.
He released the railing slowly, as to not plummet backwards from shock. He inched back towards his door. “I need a therapist,” he muttered aloud to himself. He made it to his counter and dialled his mother's number. He explained the situation and his mother, snobby as she be, told him to go see a shrink and hung up without a good-bye. He glared at the phone for a long, confused moment before placing it back on the hook. He stumbled clumsily into his living-room and sunk into his sofa cushions.
Thanks kitty, although there are some things I slightly disagree with. I do agree that I needed to add more character description. My next chapters are getting better... However, Bob's knowledge of her mother's phone number isn't really anything most readers would think about unless it was suggested or they were editing, as you were. I actually asked my friends if I should add it and they all said no because it would make the story boring.
The back alley thing is old, but I've always loved the scenario. It gets more 'original' afterwards, I promise As for the man, he's supposed to be a vague character in the beginning. As will be the rest of the characters. Most have ties with the rest of the story, but this is a story that's meant to be uncovered as you read. I hate it when everything is out in the beginning. The old man's identy is already been slightly uncovered in my next chapters.
I will work harder on describing the characters, and I will change the song for you
However, I won't do it up here, only on Open Office where the story is.
Sorry about the delay! I finished the first chapter and then thought I might as well review the other as well before posting.
“Move it kid!” Some guy [I dislike such vague descriptions as some guy. Even a guy is better but it would be more descriptive to say 'a tall guy' or 'a spindly man' or 'a crooked man.' Something that gives a little more detail.] clad in a business suit and carrying a briefcase shouted, shoving Lakisha with his free hand. Lakisha stumbled to her side, nearly falling into a group of squabbling middle-aged women.
“Sorry, excuse me,” she muttered, turning her attention into the sidewalk beneath her feet. She passed the women, who were now staring daggers at her. No need to be shouted at again. Lakisha lifted her head and stared [Try to avoid using the same verb more than once in a paragraph. How about squinted? Is it bright outside?] out at the sidewalk in front of her. That is, where there was sidewalk to stare at. She had never seen downtown Saskatoon so busy before! This street was usually pretty quiet in her opinion, but today there wasn't enough room to weave her way around the crowd to guitar lessons.
She pulled her guitar strap closer to her body and peered ahead, searching for a break in the crowd. There! She spotted a skinny break in the bodies and trudged forward. It isn't even rush hour yet! [Put this in italics.] She complained to herself. She groaned at the thought of walking back through the crowds, which would be intensified by the time she got out of guitar her lesson when everybody would be driving home from work.
She was startled when an icy-cold hand coiled itself around her wrist. She twisted quickly, clobbering a passing pedestrian with her guitar case. She didn't bother to apologize when he yelled at her, she had bigger problems now. She was staring at a ghoulishly thin man who had hit at least his mid 80's. His white hair and beard were tangled and matted as if they hadn't been groomed in years. His glazed over blue eyes penetrated hers and a shiver crawled up her spine. Her body tensed and her breathing grew shallow. He spoke, “Your time has come.” She was released and the man hobbled away, disappearing into the crowds. Lakisha stood there for a moment, rocking back and forth on her toes, trembling and trying to recompose herself. What was that all about? She wondered, genuinely confused. She decided quickly that she'd really rather not find out.
Thoughts should be in italics again. That's a good practice to get used to and then treat it like speech so that you don't capitalise the she thought, she wished part.
She was snapped back to reality when some guy [Again, avoid such colloquialisations. They're fine in common speech but you're a writer. You need to describe and take on a more sophisticated tone.] with roller blades nearly ploughed her flat into the pavement. She stumbled backwards, but managed to regain composure before falling into a lamppost. “Watch it! Whadda you think your doing kid?” He shouted rudely. She glared at his back. He had run into her, not the other way around. Lakisha shook her head and trudged on, reassuring herself that the man had just been one of those the-end-of-the-world cooks [Do you mean crooks? I'm not sure that it fits. Possibly lunatics or fools.] she always saw on the movies.
You see guys like that on streets as often as movies so the movies reference isn't needed and is perhaps out of place.
Chapter Breaks
Careful! Your chapter stops mid-way through a sentence! Also, this scene doesn't feel finished. You should carry on as chapter one. A logical break would be at a change of scene or a switching of perception, not here.
Lulu Lakisha gulped, she had never been asked to sing before. Sure, singing was her second passion, but she had horrible stage-fright when it came to belting out her voice to even her own parents. “Ummm...” she began, praying Bob would change his mind. “I don't know what to sing.”
The characterisation here feels flat. A girl who takes music lessons and has an awesome voice but is afraid to sing? That isn't very original. You'd get away with it better if you showed us more of her personality, something that does stand out as being different. Perhaps she is the sort of girl who snorts when she's nervous or maybe she uses hand expressions a lot when she speaks. Remember, you need to make your reader feel connected to your characters.
“I know it's out of season, but you know how to play Silent Night. Why don't you sing and play it for me?” He suggested. Laksiha hated his helpfulness. She shook her head violently. “Oh come on Lakisha, if your mom says you have a good voice, you have a good voice.” He squeezed her shoulder, trying to be encouraging. Lakisha found that it only encouraged her fear.
Oh please. Of all the songs. No. Pick something else. Also, silent night maybe isn't the easiest to play on guitar. Choose something more modern and rhythmical, something a young girl would actually want to sing.
Lakisha nodded, she knew loads of songs that she could sing equally as well as play. She began another Christmas song, Away in a Manger. The rest of the two-hour class time she had went by in that manner. Bob would suggest an song, and if she knew it, Lulu Lakisha would sing it. She sighed after Bob told her they were running a good half an hour late. “You'rer mom'll be having a spazz attack. You'd best get home.” he told her, holding the door open.
Query, how old is Bob? I take it he's young? If not, you need to fix his dialogue because he talks like a teenager.
The alley way was surprisingly quiet, almost creepy. Lakisha gulped, she had heard way too many stories about gangs hiding out in the shadows just waiting for some innocent person to pass by. She shivered and fiddled with her guitar strap out of nervous habit. Her vision clouded momentarily and she stopped dead in her tracks to rub her eyes. Everything eased back into view in a few seconds and she took a hesitant step forward. Her head began to spin and her surroundings tipped and she stumbled to the side. An image of the blue-eyed man crept its way into Lakisha's subconscious. She wanted to cry out for help, but no words would come, so she sank to her knees, feeling cold mud and water seep through her denim jeans. A sudden pain shot up her spine and she tried desperately to scream. Sound refused to penetrate her lips. She grabbed her head in her hands, teeth grinding. The pain had made its way up to the base of her neck and she began to shake violently. She managed a single scream before her world died. Everything was black, the pain gone.
Plot
Girl walks down alley on way home and thus the adventure begin. That's a rather familiar plot line. You need to spice it up. The guitar lessons was a nice touch but really, there has to be more to make this original and not just the old gloom and doom plot. Maybe you can slow it down and describe the area more. Remember the five senses. Perhaps she smells something strange and hesitates before going into the alley or hears something and begins to turn back? Maybe she actually decides against the alley and it's out in the open when the trap is sprung, the street is empty despite her expectations of rush hour etc.
the damp ground, shaking and screaming. He stepped [Avoid tense changes and remember what I said earlier about chapter breaks.] to his deck stairs, never taking his eyes off the girl. He made it to the the deck railing when the girl had vanished.
This old man, who is he? He knows her mother's phone number? You need a line explaining how he knows the girl if you're going with that plot.
Okay so! I think this is a little unoriginal but you've got an easy to read style which is very nice. Maybe do some work on your characters and description before going further? I think you need to decide who each of these people is and what role they play in your novel. You also need to make a little effort to describe them to us, their actions and the little things which make them who they are. Like scratching your nose frequently or frowning in confusion at the slightest question.
Hey Isha. I am finally here to read your second post, a story. I liked your story but just one thing. Was the man in third part the same one who had scared Lakisha? Your writing style was different but you posted way too much. and also your third part(spoiler) was a bit confusing. You used many weird sentences.
When the music stopped#0000FF ">, Bob beamed and clapped for her.
She waved her#0000FF "> him goodbye and began to walk home.
#0000FF ">Isn't Bob a boy?
She decided on taking the back alley rout#0040FF ">e home to avoid the rush hour traffic and began her trek down the back alley.
Lakisha gulped, she had heard way to#0000FF ">o many stories about gangs hiding out in the shadows just waiting for some innocent person to pass by
Overall, it was amazing and interesting but you eat some letters which is most likely to be a typing error. Just check it two times before posting!
BEST OF LUCK!!!!!! I don't think I helped much but anyways, have a nice time and do PM me when you come up with the next.
Oops... Thanks for pointing those out! I'll get to fixing them in my good draft ASAP! Grammar isn't my best subject. Although the 'somethings' are only in there to make it feel like a normal conversation. I guess I'm just used to saying and hearing "something" a lot. It's a favorite word where I come from. I could probably fix it though. Thanks again! Glad you liked it!
I think it's a good story so far. You made the reader question about the man as well as leave off with a cliff hanger at the end, hightening suspension. I caught some mistakes, though, through the story. (But don't worry, we all make them. Myself too often. <:/)
"Move it kid!” Some guy clad in an up-tight business suit and carrying a briefcase shouted, shoving Lulu with his free hand.
This is too discriptive. It doesn't hurt to explain things (In fact it makes thing better, of course) but if you over do it makes it seem messy.
“Sorry, excuse me,” she muttered, turning her attention into the sidewalk beneath her feet. She passed the women, who were now staring daggers at her quickly.
I don't think there is a need for quickly. Maybe another word with boldly or just leave it out.
Lulu lifted her head and stared out at the sidewalk in front of her-that is, where there was sidewalk to stare at.
...her. That is...
She pulled her guitar strap closer to her body and peered ahead, searching for a break in the crowd. There! She spotted a skinny break in the bodies and trudged forwards.
Forward, not forwards
She startled when an icy-cold hand coiled itself around her wrist.
She was startled
She glared at his back, he had run into her, not the other way around.
She glared at his back. He had run...
“Your time has come... Your tie has come,” they didn't stop until Bob, Lulu's friend and guitar teacher opened the door.
Oops, I think you meant time. There needs to be a comma after teacher.
“Sorry,” Lulu apologized, shaking her head, “ traffic was horrible today! Is there something going on downtown or something?”
I don't think you need to repeat something
Bob shrugged, “Must be a sale on or something,” he replied, moving to the side so that Lulu could enter the house.
Again, I don't think you need to repeat something
Lulu beamed, guitar was her one chance every week to get away from life.
Lulu beamed. Guitar...
She sat on her favourite stool, the yellow one with the blue dots all over it and began to play her scales as a quick warm-up.
There needs to be a comma after it.
“You're mom'll be having a spazz attack. You'd best get home,” he told her, holding the door open.
You'd best get home. The comma needs to be a period.
Instead she smiled broadly, decided on taking the back alley rout home to avoid the rush hour traffic and began her trek down the back alley.
Instead she smiled broadly and decided......traffic and began her trek... These need to be two spereate sentences.
Lulu gulped, she had heard way to many stories about gangs hiding out in the shadows just waiting for some innocent human to pass by.
Lulu gulped. She had......way too many... And how about person instead of human? It makes it seem like there are different speices in your story.
She vision clouded momentarily
Her vision clouded momentarily...
Other then these mistakes, the story was good. I would love to learn what happened and what's going to happen. Keep it up!
Thanks!
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Reviews: 384
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