*Deleted*

by eldEr

  • Novel / Chapter
  • Fantasy

Published April 30, 2010

In The Oldies

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End of chapter

Continue to next chapter Dear Those Who have come to me
Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
MiaParamore
Review
MiaParamore wrote a review Review · May 26, 2010

Hi Isha. I'm finally here after promising you for about months. I'm so
cruel, ain't I?

So I won't give you line by line review on this one because i would really like you to concentrate on the points I give and fix it up yourself. So here I go:
:arrow: So you have a problem with commas just like me. Its very important to out the commas in the right place so that the reader can identify and separate parts of a sentence from one another. You don't put it sometimes when its most necessary. So work on that, read the chapter again and put down the commas where you need them. I know you will and can do it.
For ex:

By the time they were found, it was too late. Not a very good example to give, I know.


:arrow: Then it seemed that you were in a rush while typing it down as there were tons of typos here which you should correct before more people read it.
Like:
The hair on the back of my neck stood on end.
You had written capital H while it should've been small one.
You'll do that also!

:arrow: Also you used the word 'tremble' a lot of times. Try to use different words as the reader, especially one like me, gets bored reading the same word. They should be able to distinguish one part of the story from the other by the usage of your words. Replace synonyms for words you know you'll be using up a lot. That makes your vocabulary better and also the piece better.
You used the word 'tremble' three times in almost same or the adjacent paragraphs.
He handed it to me with a trembling hand.

My hands were trembling and my stomach threatened to spill my lunch all over the sidewalk.

He released my wrist and left me trembling in the middle of the sidewalk.

You could've used shaking or shuddering sometimes. Just play with words! 8)

:arrow:
Dear Lakisha,
The gift you’re receiving now is incredibly valuable and important. I don’t want you to ever take it off, okay? I don’t know if I’ll be around to give it to you or not, but you need to get it.
You can’t possibly know of its value. There are some that will do almost anything to get their hands on it. Don’t let anybody touch it, no matter how much you trust them. I need you to trust me on this.
Your friend,

Beth
You also need to italicize the letter from Beth to Lakisha. It would look more professional and organized. And also you need to do spacing between the paragraph(body of the letter) and the subscripted part. That would make it reading more proper and clear, easy.

:arrow: Then you also need to work on your prepositions. They were pretty wrongly placed at someplaces.
Here are some examples. I would write the comments in the bracket in blue.
The curiosity grew inside of(no need of any thing here) me until I was pretty sure I would burst.

Bob cleared his throat and I cast my eyes to(Should be 'on') him.

I tore at(no need of it) the paper; I wasn’t one to be careful about unwrapping presents.


:smt001 Also like Stella mentioned, it seemed a bit odd that Bob was taking classes when his wife and child had died days ago. If you still think he should make up something like music made him live again or Lakisha was his special student so couldn't ignore her.

So on to the good parts:
The description and the story was really good. but don't you think you're going too fast? ry re-considering. You described the chaos at the road very beautifully and nicely, I could almost feel being there. So kudos on that!
I think you have a very good story in mind. you said you've written till chapter-13, right? Is none of my business but I think you can stop writitng now and revise the story again and again till you're satisfied with it which you weren't with this one so it didn't turn out that good. :D Now I'm just blabbering. I would shut up now and let you get on to something else.

Keep writing!

~Shubhi 8)

User avatar
eldEr
Comment
eldEr commented Comment · May 1, 2010

Thanks guys!! I will fix it up eventually!!

User avatar
JustisMarez
Review
JustisMarez wrote a review Review · May 1, 2010

Hey Isha! It's Justis here, from chat! I just so happened to stumble upon your story.

I really liked this, the hole Lady Gaga part made me laugh.
I agree with Stella, Bob is kinda all over the place. But since she already went into that, I won't. And Sarah - did I get her name right? - already touched on some of the small errors. Overall I thought it was really good, and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Oh and the old man telling her she'll be next made me want to read more! Loved the ending; great suspense!

- Justis

User avatar
Sarah Pass
Review
Sarah Pass wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2010

This is a really good start! Though there were a couple of typos "I finally started on." On should be one. " "Another bony hand found its way to my shoulder." I think this should be. Some one's bony hand grabbed my shoulder. "The man was gauntly scrawny and slightly hunched over." I think this should be The person holding me was a man who was gauntly scrawny and hunched over. nI scooped it up... should be I scooped it up. Other then these small errors I really like the first chapter of your story and can't wait to read the next one!

User avatar
StellaThomas
Review
StellaThomas wrote a review Review · Apr 30, 2010

Hey Isha! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

to get to her guitar lessons.


lesson, maybe, in the singular?
Not even the Lady Gaga concert last year had the streets been this full!


Yeah, read this and tell me if it makes sense to you.

in a florescent yellow tee shirt rollerblading right at me.


fluorescent yellow t-shirt.
The Hair on the back of my neck stood on end. The man was gauntly scrawny and slightly hunched over.


Why the capital H?

She wasn’t due for another four months and Bob had taken her on vacation to British Columbia a week ago. She had began to give birth pre-maturely while they were hiking off-trail.


Four months premature (it's all one word btw) seems rather extreme. I don't even know if that can happen. I'm not an osteotrician, but...
I had actually forgotten that Beth wouldn’t be around at guitar lessons anymore.


If it happened so recently, is he actually going to be taking pupils?

He nodded towards the music book and I placed it carefully on my stand and selected “Old Kind Wenceslas.”


Isn't it "king"?

“Crap!” I heard Bob shout from the kitchen. He had gone to the kitchen to get a glass of water.


This is telling! Show us how he went for the water earlier.

Alright.

II. BEGINNINGS

So. Let's look at what the bulk of this opening comprises of:

-Girl goes through busy town.
-Girl goes to guitar lesson and plays guitar.

Hardly exciting is it? But you've got little gems hidden inside it! The old man, Beth's present, the ending. But it's all swallowed up by the mundane.

It's fine to have mundane stuff in your story, in fact it's good for pace and the like. But at the beginning, we want something interesting, something to grab our attention. Is girl-going-to-guitar-lessons exciting?

No.

But is girl-being-grabbed-and-told-ominous-things-by-old-man?

Yes!

Take the interesting stuff and use it more! Don't let it hide away.

III. OVERALL

Your characterisation- Bob, for example, is a little all over the place. At one point he's her grouchy guitar teacher, next he's a sad widower, next he's like part of her family. Stick with a character! And tell us more about your MC herself- she's the one we want to know about! But overall, not bad!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x



Don't gobblefunk around with words.
— Roald Dahl