To fix what was, we
run to what could be, hiding
from the storm in dry pockets
of the city. One night, it occurred to me
the weight of the rain, seeping
through the fibers of my clothes;
for this reason I feel it
necessary to say that I never knew
how far I was until suddenly
I was incredibly close— until
I let myself stay longer
than the amount of days it takes
for rain to dry or for the feeling
to finally pass over
or that once you face the feeling,
it is impossible to take cover.
I am slowly learning what it is
to be swept away by a flood,
to understand what it is to live
without the fear of being
mistaken. I want to surround you
in the way that rain slowly falls
to cover the concrete pavement.
I want to understand love
in the way our lips met, when
nothing was lost
in translation.
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140,072 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi there! Box#10 here for a review.))
) It was very...descriptive.
So, first, can I say, I loved this piece? (I was about to say poem, it's filed in other, so okay then
"hiding
from the storm in dry pockets
of the city," and
" I want to surround you
in the way that rain slowly falls
to cover the concrete pavement."
Those are both lines I really, really liked.
From reading the previous review and the comment below it, I see the double-spacing issue has already been touched on? Good. It kind of made it slightly difficult to read...
Ok! I have nothing else to say other than there were a few grammatical errors, but, hey, maybe that was on purpose.
Hey hey, I'm here for a review, and if this review is terrible, I apologize in advance because I haven't reviewed poetry for a while.
So honestly, this is a beautiful poem. In general it flows very well, and although nearly everything under the sun about love has been done, you've managed to put a nicely unique spin on it.
Imagery
I love the rain imagery you use here. At first, you show it as an annoyance or something to be avoided, which is not only a common perspective on rain but also the beginning of all classic love stories. And then it turns into something good and fresh. There is a lot of contradictory traits associated with rain - on the one hand, it's gloomy, but on the other hand, it cleanses, and I love how you've shown that transition in here.
I also like how you keep the rain imagery consistent throughout the piece, which is something a lot of poets should do but don't.
Unfortunately, this means your last line is a rather large shift of topic. I love the idea in the last stanza, but your whole poem is built around rain imagery and to abandon it now in favor of "translation" throws the poem off. Making the last stanza center around a final piece of rain imagery as well would make the poem as a whole feel more cohesive.
Something I wanted to note - why did you double-space this? I think it would look better single-spaced. (In case you don't know, you can press shift+enter to make a line single-spaced.)
The last thing I wanted to say concerns this stanza break here:
It just feels off to me, and not because it breaks in the middle of a sentence - I'm used to that. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it might sound better if you put the "necesssary" in the first stanza. Or maybe you could make it "it's" instead of "it." I don't know, just play around with it - I can't tell you what to do.
And that's all I've got for you! Thanks for the great read!
Frankly I had no clue the piece was double spaced until you commented because I never looked at it after posting. Eww. The poem is actually just the final paragraph of something else (several paragraphs) I wrote (very slightly trimmed and broken into stanzas), but I did it quickly on my phone. Probably happened at some point transferring it here.
But anyway. Rain is either an uncomfortable inconvenience or a religious experience (not religious exactly but you understand?)-- depends on if you're running away from it or right through it. I think the last line would make more sense with the entire original bit but I see where it stands out much more now, yes. I agree. I'll see about coloring it in. Same with the last mentioned awkward enjambment.
I appreciate you taking the time to review. forgive any typos, mobile device keyboards are an absolute pain. Thank you also for the few suggestions. I appreciate the honesty. cheers.