they say your fear of the world
begins at baptism, with shallow bowls of holy
tap water and righteous, wailing infants
surrendering their little demons and
unwillingly pledging their allegiance
to an ancient spectre of faith
one sunday I stood before the altar
with eyes like rivers and hands cupped into lakes
and speaking with lips of a pastor; I said
open my ears to thy word, oh lord
then begged for unending mercy
I heard somewhere that there are hundreds
of thousands of silences in this world—
like spaces between the rain, moments
following doors slammed back into frames
or the long, drawn breath before an unholy
confession— but I’ve never found one
to match the silence he gave me
or to fill in the empty rewards
for my prayers, that time
and the three that followed
forgive me, dearest peter;
the fourth time I rejected his hands
I did not turn to repent, nor beg forgiveness
for my strength of pace in walking away;
they say your fear of the world
dies when you finally learn to jump
without being afraid to fall deeper
than what you had planned— when you
stop defining yourself solely by blessings
while denying the wonder of human evils
or when learn to let your demons
walk beside you, as equals
-
Hi,
I think this is a very good poem, you put each stanza across well and i love the empathy you empact on the reader, in the sense that we took the journey with you from verse 1 to 5.
I also like your use of words in the poem. overall well done.
It's a bit off in terms of flowin the first verse, it's written in more of a short story form than in a poetic form. Instead of "They say" in the first line you could have written "It is said" they say seems a bit flat to start off the poem.
Let's take this moment to revel in the silence you've given me.
I'm very glad I chose to read this before going to bed. I was going to get off this site, but by golly, I thought, one more poem won't hurt.
Oh, it definitely didn't hurt.
This is what I keep telling people to do: move the poem with images. You do it so well. Oh, goodness. My, oh my. Beautiful.
There are only a few suggestions I have for improvement.
Punctuation: put more periods, even just at the ends of stanzas, to give it a more resolute, complete feeling.
"I heard somewhere that there are hundreds"
how about "I've heard hundreds" because the other doesn't feel quite right.
"or to fill in the empty rewards
for my prayers, that time
and the three that followed"
this stanza is so plain compared to the rest of them. You could do so much more with images like you did before. And I've been yearning for you to do something with stained glass. I don't know why, but it's such a symbol of the church for me, and perhaps you could weave it into this stanza somehow. Also, be clearer about Peter denying Jesus three times before the rooster in this stanza.
And you know what? Here are my favorite lines:
"shallow bowls of holy
tap water"
"eyes like rivers and hands cupped into lakes"
"like spaces between the rain, moments
following doors slammed back into frames
or the long, drawn breath before an unholy
confession"
I just had to say again that I loved this. I love your words. You are wonderful. That is all.
I like the idea with stained glass. I think I'll take the stanza you said was plain and see if I can work it into there. Thanks for the suggestion, and thank you for the lovely feedback/compliments!
Overall, I love this. There's some beautiful imagery and religious allusion. My critiques are pretty small.
The "I heard somewhere" feels weak, like a guy telling his buddies some crazy story at the bar. I'd start right at "there are", or even something like "I have heard hundreds...".
This stanza feels weak. I get that you're going for Peter denying Jesus three times, but I think you could make it stronger. Maybe something like "I praised your name three times, but the rooster crowed and I heard nothing".
The last three lines also seem off. There's a sort-of rhyme between "evils" and "equals", which is odd since the piece is free verse. The idea of demons as equals seems strange. I'm not religious, but I still don't want to be walking around with demons. Maybe something dismissing them (and angels) as imaginary, or bringing the Bible down to the level of plain words.
Overall, you're a talented writer, and I really enjoyed reading this. Good job and keep writing!
Thanks a bunch for the feedback! I greatly appreciate it.