in the middle of a field
rests a suicide dangling by
an empty phone line-- lost words,
silent eyes watching pigeons
crash into windows,
birds of a feather diving down
and shaking the world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi Earendil.
Best 9/11 tribute I've seen on this site. It's humble and refuses to sensationalize the entire experience. But be careful with this kind of length, it's very short so very difficult to make it powerful and long lasting. And in this case make me quietly think about 9/11 and the poem in context with it. You have a good hook, but your ending doesn't flow out smoothly enough. With length it's far easier to get away with but with this kind of short poem, it's essential each line is evocative and powerful and pushes its finger against our chest as if to ram in a point.
These lines are quite good.
With the introduction of the bird/feather image the rest goes down the drain. Tumbling out of sight and out of mind. Yes it works to insinuate the situation, but at the same time, it's not very original nor is it very stirring. Specifically the thought of pigeons, which are technically birds we tend to not care for much. We don't put bird feeders or bird baths to admire the pigeons. We don't have quite the attachment to your image necessary for a certain effect.
At the same time I can see the appeal - planes, pigeons. Both something to common in the sky we barely give it a second glance. A pigeon landing on a phone line or a plane streaking across the afternoon sky. It's no longer shocking until it's straight in our face or we're looking at it from another angle.
You're going to have to tread lightly, figure out how to balance that commonplace in our lives with the emotional attachment you need your reader to have to have a particular effect. Don't sacrifice one for the other, they're both essential to keep this poem afloat all the way through and past our reading of it.
Kamas
I agree with above that the title doesn't fit. How about something like "confessions never spoken"? It is a short, succinct poem that really makes you think. There is vivid imagery though you fit so much in so little space that it is a bit confusing as to what happened. Perhaps some more detail/ a lengthier piece would help us understand what you're trying to say. Or maybe I just didn't get it.
Woah. this is great. I am wondering about the story behind this. But I like that you don't tell everything. You leave it up to the reader to figure out what happened and why. Except, if it's in the middle of a field, why are there windows for the pigeons to crash into? Anyway, great job. Sorry, though, I'm awful with titles. Although, you should change it, Stop and stare doesn't really fit.