Young Writers Society

Hiya!
This is quite an interesting poem. I thought the images you had here were thought-provoking.

However, I do think there are some things that could be improved. For one, the rhyming you use in several places is very forced. At first, I thought it was okay, but when we got to the third paragraph, it was forced and awkward. I think you did an okay job up until there, though.

Something else about this poem is that it was pretty vague. I couldn't even guess at what was going on here. Something about dreams with guns and this voice, but I don't know what the meaning or the significance of the voice is. Is it a metaphor for something? I cannot begin to guess at it. I think this is a clear sign that you should be less vague and more open with what your interpretation is with this, and put it into the poem in a way that feels natural.

Also watch out for cliches. There were a couple spots I thought were verging a little on cliche, but I'll let you decide for yourself what those are, because my idea of cliche is not everyone's idea of it.

I did like the flow of most of this, apart from the awkwardness of the forced rhymes. I do think there's something worth digging out of here, but I just can't find it. Only you can.
I hope this review helped you somewhat. Let me know if you have any questions.
keep writing!
~fortis

My goodness, earendil; this is a fascinating, thoughtful poem, and I enjoy it immensely! I love how deep it is, particularly as it is focusing on mortality and eternity, the latter portrayed as a voice in the mind of the narrator, the voice being sometimes peaceful and sometimes otherwise. It made me think of the conflicted emotions of human beings, such as our happiness and sadness, fear and rage, and the sorrow and crushing feelings of our everyday lives. However, most of all, it reminded me of the many people who suffer through suicidal thoughts, and sometimes even take their lives. The poem was stunning in that manner, and left me quite surprised and impressed at the end. That was certainly influenced by the very last lines in your poem, which, as PenguinAttack made clear, are most definitely the most powerful lines of all.

...You know, I've spent many days wondering and thinking about my mortality, and my life in general. For that, as well as many other reasons, this poem captivated me. I could envision this voice, imagine it creeping through the mind of the narrator, ever changing and seeking silence. I can see the narrator's willingness to die, particularly in the second-to-last stanza, when the narrator discusses how his/her heart "learned to hush," or, in other words, dying. In conclusion, it was a vivid poem, a powerful and thoughtful one, and I enjoyed reading it from start to finish. While I have to agree with PenguinAttack - the rhyme scheme was highly unnecessary, and I think the poem would do better without having a largely random rhyme scheme - I found the poem was clear, vivid, and strong. Well done!

Hullo earendil,

I've seen you around a lot but I'm not sure that I've ever commented on a poem of yours? If that's true, then this is a first for us both! I hope the experience isn't too painful.

First thing I want to say is that your end line is a very good one, and in this case it is the best line of your poem. There's always something soft and alluring about a gentle reminder about death, one that doesn't rush at us but waves us in, it works really well. You've got a lot of really nice images, solid ones that collect together very nicely as an expression of your overall concept.

Now that the nice things are pointed out, your line breaks are all over the place and create an incredibly awkward and unpleasant read. For the most part, to be honest, I ignored your breaks because they were just so jumbled in my mouth. Your second line for example, "that won't go away, she" is just not... nice to read? I'm not sure how to express that more eloquently except to say that the images you're using have balance to them, but your line breaks throw all that balance out the window. To be honest I think a massive part of the problem is that you're forcing your rhymes. You genuinely don't need rhyme here. I can understand why you might cling to it, because your balanced images do ask for a soft, rhythmic structure, but the rhyme in this case is massively detracting from your images and it's forcing you to write some really awkward lines like in your second stanza where people are waiting patiently but are also screaming? What are you doing there? In addition to this there are spaces where you sacrifice your end rhyme for an "and" - this ties into your line breaks.

Your concept is good and I can see where you're going with it, particularly as you're using some really strong imagery and your final line is superb as a line. However, I think you should attempt writing this without the rhyme and concentrating more on your line breaks. When you read poetry you pause slightly at the end of each line, when you read your poem out loud, try and notice where the awkward breaks are created due to odd word choice.

If you make any changes to this, please let me know, I'd really love to see it.

Thanks for posting!
-Penguin.