The Water

I am far now but
one day I may come back
as waves and I will swallow the world
’s sorrows until they taste more like courage
and less like my name, more like salt
and less like the rain. I am far now but
one day I may be farther. you will ask
what it is to drown, and I
will only describe the water.

I am afraid of falling
too deep. Every night I see myself
battered to pieces against the rocks
until I sink to the depths where my loneliest
demons sleep. They say it takes darkness
to know the light, it takes suffocation
to know we must breathe; I was told
to face my fears, so I watched them
map themselves across my skin
like little crimson gills, stitched together
until I felt that my heart and body
sat in perfect symmetry.

given one chance to speak,
I would tell you that I resent the way
the world runs hopelessly through my fingers. I wish
days felt like they were worth keeping, I wish
happiness was an ocean, endlessly flooding
the empty spaces of my being so that I may
feel content with the way platelets
settle into the cracks of my body– and I wish
watching my heart surface
was enough to stop me.

Comments

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 6:26 pm

ChocolateCello wrote a review...

I really loved this. Your words were the definition of beauty, tying together into a magnificent story. Every sentence was filled with an abundance of emotion and it really reflected onto the reader.

The flow was amazing too. The words were comfortable, relaxed, and the glided through the mind and they were read, adding greatly to the poem.

All of the figurative language was great too. Nothing felt forced and the words were chosen perfectly, giving amazing descriptions and conveying the emotion very nicely.

I'm really impressed with this work and I'll defiantly be looking through your portfolio, seeing if you're other poems and such live up to the standards this one is setting.

This review was short, sorry, but I couldn't leaving this work without commending you for the amazing skill it would take to write such a beautiful poem.

Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello

earendil says...

I appreciate you stopping by, and I am glad you enjoyed it. The poems/prose in Ireland and letters from a shrinks office are the only ones I've ever really come close to liking. but much of a best, but if you would like to check them out you are more than welcome, obviously.

I'll be sure to poke around your works sometime very soon. Thank you again for taking the time to visit. Cheers.

Points: 12011
Reviews: 212

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:29 am

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ScarlettFire wrote a review...

Hi there, Earendil! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review your poetry today. ^^

Alright, so I'm just going to point things out as I go and we'll see how it works out. Nitpicking ahead! And then I'll talk about how this poem makes me feel. XD

This right here is bugging me;

as waves and I will swallow the world
’s sorrows until they taste more like courage

Pretty sure it should read like this;

as waves and I will swallow the world’s
sorrows until they taste more like courage

Somehow, you put the 's on the next line. I'm going to assume it was a typo or something, so I'll just point it out and move on. Okay? Okay. *keeps reading*

Here;

one day I may be farther. you will ask

I believe you meant to make that Y a capital here, considering it's after a period, but if you meant to put a comma, let me know. It messed up the flow for me and made me stumble over the line. I suggest you fix the confusion it causes, please.

I have issues with this part;

They say it takes darkness
to know the light, it takes suffocation
to know we must breathe; I was told

I feel it should read more like this;

They say it takes darkness
to know the light; it takes suffocation
to know we must breathe. I was told

Just a suggest, which you're free to ignore. Again the way it was before tripped me up and messed with the flow. I feel it reads better with the semi-colon and period switched.

I understand that the first word of the third stanza isn't capitalized. Some poets, myself included, don't capitalize at all, except maybe the "I"s. So, I'll give that one a pass, because I have a feeling it's meant to be like that.

This part here;

I wish
days felt like they were worth keeping, I wish
happiness was an ocean, endlessly flooding

I don't think you need a comma there on that second line. A period would work much better, in my opinion. Like so;

I wish
days felt like they were worth keeping. I wish
happiness was an ocean, endlessly flooding

So, now that I'm done nitpicking... This is an interesting poem with an interesting theme. It makes me feel a sense of loneliness and despair, and hatred for what I've made. I feel like the creator of the world, and I hate my creation. This theme feels powerful. It reminds me of a god who hates everything they create--and in that sense, it reminds me of an author who hates everything they've written. That's a fascinating, conflicting feeling, but I like it. So, uh, other than my nitpicks, I can't really comment on anything--or give advice on how to give this more.

I'm just going to say this part is my favourite;

and I wish
watching my heart surface
was enough to stop me.

And that's about it, so just remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~Scar. <3

earendil says...

Greetings. Thank you for taking the time to visit.

First off, I'm glad you pointed out that bit about the semicolon placement. It does, in fact, read more fluently with the latter example. As far as the inconsistent capitalizations/lowercase words to be honest I'm beyond the point of paying attention. Sometimes, in writing, a word feels better in my head when it's one and not the other, regardless of what it -should- be. Of course, sometimes it really is just a mistake. Knowing which is which is the trick. Alas, yes, "you" was meant to be capitalized.

Your small analysis at the end was not very far off. I guess you could take this through the perspective of someone who has allowed that hatred to consume them and even then they resent themselves for it. We are both god and prisoner to the world inside us and the life we carry with us. Most times, it is our choice as to which one we are going to be. Sometimes, being the prisoner is the easiest choice to make and the hardest to recover from.

But, the fine details are for you to either discern or create for yourself. I enjoyed this review very much, thank you again. Cheers.

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

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Sun Aug 30, 2015 4:01 am

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Rook wrote a review...

Wow, this was really, really good.

Like, I'm floored here. Fantastic.
I usually am not that vehement with my praise either.

The way this flowed was perfect. It ran through my mind like an oiled thing that was already there. The voice in this was clear and confident and made the words sound delicious.

The only thing that I can think to complain about here is I'm not entirely sure what this is about. But the images you have, the way you present it, everything else is flawless to a point where I feel like I don't have to understand what it's a bout. It's beautiful.

The enjambment was good, and the internal rhymes were good. One place the enjambment looked weird was with the world // 's sorrows, and I was going to complain about that until I played it in my head with just the world's // sorrows, and I find that I much prefer the way you have it, even if it looks a little strange.

Another thing to say is that you should be a little wary of cliches. I don't think you have any abjectly in this poem, but sometimes I felt like you were almost toeing the line. Which is different than actually toeing the line.

I hope somewhere in this heaping of praise I was actually able to help you somewhat. I really love this poem. It's become one of my favorites on the site. ^^
Let me know if you have any questions about whether something works or not, or any questions at all.
Keep writing! You have a gift!
~fortis

earendil says...

Me again. I'll thank you once more for the kind words and taking the time to visit.

The purpose odd enjambment you mentioned, honestly, was just so that I could say that I would swallow both the world and its sorrows without actually saying "the world and its sorrows." You read first that the world will be swallowed, and when you jump to the next time, it adjusts to a more specific goal. I am not only taking in the world-- I am taking it and every sorrow that it carries. Unfortunately it IS still odd now, but it I guess it says more than the alternative. As far as cliches go, it's an everlasting battle. Thank you!

As far as meanings go, there's a bit mentioned about that in the review above yours and my reply to it.

I'll be sure to stop by and check out your work. Thanks again.

Rook says...

Aha, I see.
And yes, I figured that's what the enjambment was about. I totally agree with you in that it's best the way you have it, even if it is atypical.

Points: 615
Reviews: 54

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Tue Aug 18, 2015 7:21 pm

priceofwords wrote a review...

Hello, priceofwords here!

Wow, I really loved this poem. The amount of detail, and the imagery were just amazing. Your words just seemed to flow together like the ocean itself, making a very satisfying yet memorable read. I particularly liked the concept of the world running through the ocean's fingers. An astounding bit of imagery, and a very original concept. Well done.

Please keep writing, you are so talented.

priceofwords

earendil says...

I appreciate you taking the time to read/review this. Thank you.

Points: 496
Reviews: 9

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Sat Aug 15, 2015 2:59 am

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DarkDewDrops says...

I want to come back and review this, but I'm enjoying just soaking up this amazing writing.
I loved it...
Great work.

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The Water

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