Love is not safe; it is not a crawl space
to wedge yourself between, ever-so-carefully
as to not disturb the wilted satisfaction
cradled in dying arms, or explosively
as sparks escaping an anvil from beneath the blow
of your insecurities. I don’t believe it’s possible
to wield the hammer with no discernment
of how fast the glass is breaking, so why
are you shaking, why are you
shaking, why are you
afflicted so easily, and why
are you so afraid? Ask me why my eyes
feel like tidal waves, why tears and laughter
suddenly come in tirades– I couldn’t explain
that if she is the earth and if I am the sea
I fall to the sand as if I am falling in love
with the entire world around me, from surface
to the deepest depths of the deep. I can only
be sorry for always holding my breath too long
to give anything else but the quiet lapping
of rippling water at your feet
It is true that we are oceans wide
and forests-deep, but love isn’t the divide
that you tread between or the defining choice
as to the side on which you stand verses the side
on which you wish to be seen. It is enough
to merely take my hand as the tide pulls in, to whisper
among the trees with the changing wind and
it is true that some secrets are felt only by those
who keep them, who grew from the ground, up
and run away without reason–
but it is also true that love
rolls back again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hello! Waffle here to review your work. Before warned, anything I "correct" you on is just my opinion, and I respect that it is your poem, not mine.
It had quite a painful rhythm. That being said, it would make a good song XD
I would recommend spacing the lines out better, just because. Example:
This is am example
~
I am a big handful
~
A spoon is good when it is clean
~
I am a goof ball
~
And I have a dog called Bob
XD that was stupid, but still it just looks better in my opinion.
I might use less commas (,) in this just because I always feel poems are better without.
Thanks! Keep writing
~Waffle
Hey, Earendil, I'm here to review the best that I can. From all those stars you've got it must be obvious that your poem is pretty well touched up, and it's written beautifully. I like the way you've split it into three separate sections, though each flows into another. Everything flowed well for me, and I read it at quite a fast pace (incase you were wondering how others would read it). The metaphors are an amazing touch, in fact this was my favourite line:
It is true that we are oceans wide
and forests-deep, but love isn’t the divide
that you tread between
Thanks for writing this! It's great.
This poem was written extremely well. Now, I'm not very knowledgable when it comes to poetry but just from a reader's perspective, it was great! Your descriptions and metaphors were spot on, and I love how your are comparing love to all of these different things! You did a great job, I think, and you should definitely keep on writing!
Great poem! I loved how accurate you were on the feeling of falling in love. Also, your metaphors were epic. The pacing was spot on, same with the rhythm! It's a very solid piece!