z

Young Writers Society



Introspection\\ Wandering Thoughts

by earendil


Once again I have found myself in that place of self-loathing; not caring for life but knowing there is some logical reason that I should. I don’t understand how I manage to acquire this overwhelming sense of helplessness– they say you can trust that doctors will hold your life gently in their hands but they haven’t told me what helps when I feel entirely alone, and suddenly a diagnosis seems so small in comparison to the consequences of owning up to everything I’ve managed to destroy for myself and for others. There are days when I feel as if I have become exactly who I never wanted to be, and it is hell in itself just to feel those eyes burning through my skin, burrowing deep into the recesses of my mind in search of an answer they could just as easily have gotten by asking. You can’t approach something that isn’t quite there, they say, and I have no words to argue.

I have inevitably fallen down this path of obsessive self destruction-- of building this image around myself as I seek solace in my past and things that have long been severed and dragged away like a wounded animal. What is so important in my head feels so pathetically insignificant to the progress I have made and yet I have divided myself between these disparities with no intention of mending what I have broken. I can not give you all of me because I do not feel all of me at once. I will grasp your hand and hold you close as I nurture everything that you hate most in this world, and when you ask me why I can’t let go, I will say I care too much. Later, when I ask why you left, you will say I never cared at all.

My hands are stained red with every moment I’ve ever tried to hide my failures. I watch the anxiety calmly surface through the cracks of my skin as if it could be as conclusive as the closing of a casket, and she looks at me with horror, or with sorrow, or what feels like complete disgust. I find my sense of shame repulsive but it is too much to let go of all at once because it’s the only thing that will give me a definite answer: Yes, you are loved. Yes, you are hated. Yes, you broke them down and in their growing doubt, you waited. No, you can’t take it back. No, you didn’t mean it. Yes, you are still whole but you’re just too damn blind to see it.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
172 Reviews

Points: 4915
Reviews: 172

Donate
Fri Sep 04, 2015 4:29 pm
RagingLive wrote a review...



Hello, earendil! RagingLive here to review your wandering thoughts. Hopefully, I'll be pretty good at it, because my thoughts seem to wander off all the time. (At least that's what my mother tells me)
Let's get started!

First off, I wanted to tell you that you have a wonderful talent for feeling. I could feel this person's desperation, and questioning of life and everything it holds. Because I like this so much, I have to point out a few nitpicks! :)

not caring for life

I was wondering if the word 'about' might better describe instead of 'for.' It would also make it easier to read.

they say you can trust that doctors will hold your life gently in their hands but they haven’t told me what helps when I feel entirely alone, and suddenly a diagnosis seems so small in comparison to the consequences of owning up to everything I’ve managed to destroy for myself and for others

This sentence seems to drag on and on, and I even cut the first part out so it wasn't cluttering the review. Maybe we should replace that comma with a period and strike the 'and' that comes after.

There are days when I feel as if I have become exactly who I never wanted to be, and it is hell in itself just to feel those eyes burning through my skin, burrowing deep into the recesses of my mind in search of an answer they could just as easily have gotten by asking.

This just made me go 'Wow.' Good job!! :)

this path of obsessive self destruction-- of building this image

There is no need for the two hyphens in a row. I always use just one and put a space before and after.

around myself as I seek solace in my past

I almost think that this would read better as 'me' instead of 'myself' but it isn't a huge deal and you can decide for yourself.

and things that have long been severed and dragged away like a wounded animal.

This is a wonderful description! It is creative and gives us a mental picture to play out in our minds. :)

I can not give you all of me because I do not feel all of me at once.

This is probably m favorite part. I can feel a strength behind those words, yet i hear it in a broken voice.

I couldn't find much wrong with your ending, it was powerful and it was unique, making this piece complete. I hope I get to see more of your work in the future because this was terrific!
If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me or message me in the comments below!
Have a great day! :)

~RagingLive




User avatar
46 Reviews

Points: 3000
Reviews: 46

Donate
Fri Sep 04, 2015 9:23 am
willachilles wrote a review...



Short and effective - what I look for in a short.

Hey, Will here, for a review of your article.

Now, firstly, I'm going to refer to this piece as an article, because it doesn't really fit in any other categories than 'other.' And also because it's convenient.

Secondly, I really loved this piece. It was kind of like a mashup between a blog and a story, and both of them are so my style so...I was really happy when I read this. That being said, this article made me feel. How much you ask? I FELT A LOT, OKAY?

The Good

ImageIt's relatable. I kind of got it. When you get that feeling that you are insecure. You don't know who to trust anymore. When you're afraid to step outside that front door. Dr. Evil pretty much sums me up.

Image

ImageIt has that perfection of it being 'short and sweet.' I personally don't like reading thousands of word long articles, as it usually would bore me to death, but this one was different. It felt...right. It was interesting, and I (as the reader) was kept entertained (I'm pretty sure that's not the right word, as the piece was so sad) throughout it.

My hands are stained red with every moment I’ve ever tried to hide my failures.


#deep

Image


Improvements

I'm basically going to talk about a few things in this section, like the main idea etc.

Nitpicks:
Spoiler! :
Let's start off with the first thing you see: the title. I really like it, except the double back-slash followed by 'Wandering Thoughts' wasn't really attractive to me. It's like when I see the word 'introspection' I'm like 'Ooooooooh,' but then when I read 'wandering thoughts' I'm like 'Eeeeeh...' Yeah, just get rid of the second part completely. The reader doesn't need to know that.

I don’t understand how I manage to acquire this overwhelming sense of helplessness– they say you can trust that doctors...


When I first read this line, I had to re-read it a couple of times. I didn't quite understand how the first part, and the part after the dash match together. And I still don't. It kind of seems random to have these two bits together. Maybe you should separate them completely, or just smooth out the flow between them.

...they say you can trust that doctors will hold your life gently in their hands but they haven’t told me what helps when I feel entirely alone, and suddenly a diagnosis seems so small in comparison to the consequences of owning up to everything I’ve managed to destroy for myself and for others.


A, huge sentence. Absolutely huge. I'll try and tackle this sentence head on - let's do dis:

...they say you can trust that doctors. That they will hold your life gently in their hands. bBut they haven’t told me what helps when I feel entirely alone,[/b]; [s]and when suddenly a diagnosis seems so small in comparison to the consequences of owning up to everything I’ve managed to destroy - both for myself and for others.

Yeah, so I split that up into quite a few sentences and parts. It just makes your article flow better.

...it is hell in itself just to feel those eyes burning through my skin...


Who's eyes are these?


And that's all for that section...

Plot(...what plot?...)

I know, this isn't a piece with a 'plot' as such, but it still has some meaning, and I would like to talk about that.

Spoiler! :
So, what's confusing is the way you describe the relationship between the two characters. Is the MC (or the person who's perspective this article is written from) a girl or a guy? Is the person they are crushing on a guy or a girl. You know, you could mention just a 'he' or a 'she' and that could give us a better idea of what is happening.

By the way, the way you describe the ending of the relationship is so...so...

Image

I will grasp your hand and hold you close as I nurture everything that you hate most in this world, and when you ask me why I can’t let go, I will say I care too much. Later, when I ask why you left, you will say I never cared at all.


#favouritelinesofthework


And that is pretty much it for now!

Image


Recap:

So, firstly, your work was brilliant. Only a few minor mistakes really.

A few things you can improve on:

When you are re-reading your work, check for 'plot' holes, or things that you think the reader might not understand. I know, as an author, it is very hard to do that. But once you master that, you've mastered life...Okay, not really...

Read your work aloud to check for exaggerated sentences. Put commas, semicolons, and even colons in your work to smooth it out. If your work has bumps in the flow of it, something's wrong. And you need to fix it up. Especially if your work is this short!

Hope you enjoyed my review! Feel free to PM me anything you need to ask me about!

-willachilles





I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
— Steven Wright