Castle series part 1/2 chapter 4 NEED viewers

by dogs

Flash back. The flying beast coming and knocking people off the bridge. Bridge collapsing, heavy breathing, catching breath, running through a dark hallway, a beast erupting from the wall, mutated beast, and head smashing into ground, black out.

Sergeant Ray Williams opens his eyes. Everythings so fuzzy. Ray notices that he’s laying on marble and something red is in front of him. His eyes adjust and he see’s a massive puddle of blood forming infront of him. And he notices the mutated beast was infront of him, on the ground, dead, bullets in his body and head. Ray hastely got up shocked and shaken. His hand went up to his head. It hurt badly. Than Ray vomited on the ground. He got on his knees and vomited again, and again, and again, until he was completely empty and nothing more could even come out. He coughed violently.

“what, where am I? wait… I.. I remember! The hallway and the beast and than.. and then.. and… I don’t know. My rifle!” Ray thought too himself as he reached down and grabbed his gun. He trekked down the hallway slowly and woozie. He stumbled and fell down on his knees several times, only to pick himself up again and continue on. He continued walking until he found the end of the hall way. blocked by a large piece of stone that must have came from the wall. “No….” he said quietly and he dropped his gun and ran forward only too drop too his knees again and bang on the door. He stood up and continued banging on the door. He continued banging until blood started to come out of his knuckles.

Ray slid down and sat with his back resting on the wall and his head hanging.

“Come on think Ray think! The bridge is out and the so is the door. Theres gotta be another way!” Ray thought too himself.

“HOW MUCH SUFFERING DOES IT TAKE FOR ONE TO LOSE ITS GRACE MORTAL?” said a loud voice echoing off the walls.

“Who’s there!” Ray shot back clearly afraid. “Show your self!!!” Ray got back and started running down the hall as he left his gun. “Im not afraid of you!!!” Ray yelled his voice almost craking. He ran blindly down the hallway until he was completely out of breath and stopped right where he started, with the mutated beast dead on the ground. But there was no blood coming from his chest or head. There wasn’t even a puddle of blood on the ground anymore.

“hey that’s strange…” Ray thought “There was a giant puddle of blood here. Where did it go??” Ray looked up on the wall and noticed that where the giant beast had smashed through the wall there wasn’t a hole either, it was like nothing had even scratched it. “What the hell is going on here?!” Ray reached down for his rifle and froze. “Damnit my rifle? Wheres my rifle? Oh wait! My pistle I still got my pistle” Ray reached into his pocket and pulled out his pistle and loaded it.

Ray than heard a shuffling behind him. “What?” he swiftly turned with his pistle raised and saw Loyid. Loyid looked funny though, almost transparent, like someone could kind of see through him. Loyid head hung down and his sword shinned like there was light reflecting off it.

“Loyid? Loyid! Thank god it’s you! Loyid??” Rays voice echoed off the walls of the long hall way. Loyid didn’t respond to any of Ray’s comments. When Loyid picked his head up Ray noticed that he had fangs. Loyid stood completely erect and then he vomited blood on the ground still standing erect Loyid looked straight at Ray with blood all the brims of his mouth and his eyes were no longer yellow, but completely silver.

“No.. no it can’t be you! You.. you stay away from me!” Loyid took a step forward and Ray raised his pistol and took a step back until he was completely backed up on the wall. Loyid preceded forward slowly and slowly raised his sword over his head.

“I said STAY AWAY FROM ME!” Ray yelled and he raised his pistol and took a shot, point blank. The bullet hit Loyid directly on the top of his forehead. The force snapped Loyid’s head back and broke his neck. The back of Loyid’s head bent so far back that it touched the middle of his soldier blades. There was a loud groan from Loyid and he snapped his head back to normal as if he reassembled his bones.

“DO YOU KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE EATEN ALIVE!!?! YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE! NEVER!!!” Loyid’s voice sounded exactly like the one Ray heard at the closed door. On the last “never” it was like an invisible fource shot forward and knocked ray backwards. It blew an enormous hole in the wall and Ray found himself flying backwards through a hidden tunnel. He hit the ground hard and his vision started blur. “Come on Ray don’t black out not now. That’s it keep your eyes open keep your eyes open” Ray encouraged himself. Eventually he felt better and got up and sprinted down the hallway without looking back.

If he had looked back he would have seen the Loyid had started to slowly become transparent and than disappeared. Ray would have seen all that right before the big hole in the wall closed its self, like it healed its self.

Darkness was all young Ray could see he searched his uniform for his light bulb in the center of its chest on the bulletproof armor. He found it and turned it a quarter of a turn and bright light showed from the center of his chest. Ray found himself in a room similar to the one in the coliseum. except there was no stairs just a solid platform, and rooms surrounding the entire room. And above the doors were perfect arches all exactly the same. And above the arches and doors was another floor of exactly the same thing, it continued up until Ray couldn’t see any farther. He looked around at the doors.

“which one which one?” His light shown on a door and Ray noticed the door next to it; there was a quick flash of a pair of silver eyes. Ray gasped and raised his pistol. Ray moved forward towards the door where he saw the beast. When he reached the door he jumped out and pointed his pistol at all directions, but saw nothing. Ray started to hear a faint roaring and froze. He turned off his light and proceeded towards the source of the noise. He saw a door and when he came out of it he saw a room exactly like the one he just came out of, the one like the coliseum.

In the exact middle of it he saw a lone normal beast. It was just standing there. Then its arm started to bulge, unnaturally big mussels started to form. His arm rippled as it grew, than the same thing started to happen to the other arm. Mussels started to appear out of nowhere like his skin was being stretched. He noticed his hands they started to grow and than knife like nails started to emerge out of his fingers. The beast fell to his knees as his legs started to grow. Than his head started to rip like a butterfly out of a cocoon. The skin on his head ripped in half and than in its place was a completely mutated beast. His fangs super extended. When the transformation was complete the beast through back its head and let out an ear-shattering roar.

Ray knew that dealing with the beast alone could easily turn to be fatal. So he saw a small balcony leading from the door he was at too another door. The only problem was the balcony was very short and unstable without any railings. Ray took a step forward when the beasts back was turned. He slowly moved across the balcony with his back pressed to the wall.

He came across a weak link and when he stepped on it a small chunk fell off and hit the ground with a loud CLUNK. The beasts head turned towards Ray, Ray turned on his heels and made a run for the door. When he reached the door it was another tunnel. The beast, however, made an impossible jump of at least fifty yards and landed perfectly inside the door right behind Ray. The thing dropped down to all fours and chased Ray down the tunnel.

Ray scrambled tripping over stray pieces of rocks with the beast closing in on his heels. He came across a thin opening and lunged forward. He just barely fit through. The beast didn’t fit through and he tried reaching his claw and it scratched Ray’s face. Ray quickly backed up and running as fast as possible until he came out in the main, original tunnel that he had woke up in. Or something almost exactly the same.

“What the hell?” Ray heard a small yell and scattering of feet he gasped, turned, pistol in hand, and fired.

Flash back. The General running past the helicopter and the pilot taking the controls to life off, something jumps on the side throwing it off balance, than more and more, and a scream. The helicopter hits the ground skirting to a stop, pilots head hits the ground, black out.

Pilot Plissikin opens his eyes. Everything is so fuzzy, it takes a couple of minutes for his eyes to adjust and than focus. He lifts his head and hears a scream.

“NO NO!!! GET AWAY FROM ME! GET AWAY FROM ME!!” It was coming from the door.

“Jason? JASON!!!” Pilissikin runs towards the door and tries to open it, only to find that it was jammed shut. A bullet flies and goes through the door, almost hitting the pilot in the head had he not tripped.

“NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Jason said. The pilot heard something stabbing into someone than he looked down on the ground and noticed blood seeping through the very bottom of the door.

“oh Jason” the pilot said quietly. He rested his head against the jammed door and than something punched it. Sending the pilot flying back on as he landed on his back. Something punched the door again, this time denting it. The pilot gasped and headed back to the controls of his helicopter, opening a small hatch and pulled a pistol out of it.

A beast managed to open the door just ajar and the pilot started pulling the trigger. “click click click click”. Nothing came out of the gun.

“Oh shit, safety is on” The pilot clicked the safety off and looked back at the door. A beast had managed to open it half way and was crawling through. The pilot took aim and fired it right between the beast’s eyes. It fell to the ground with blood spraying out of the bullet hole.

Pilissikin looked up and saw another beast that managed to get through. It walked slowly towards the pilot, he took aim but his hand was shaking so much. “Bang” it skimmed the beasts head. “Bang” it flew right of his shoulder. “Bang” whizzes right over its head. “Bang” it strikes him in the arm. The beast still comes forward. “Bang” it hits him in the leg and he collapses to the ground, but still drags himself forward.

The pilot raises the gun one more time and was about to hit him in the head but the beasts hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. “Bang” the bullet fired and hit the top of the ceiling.

“LET GO OF ME!! LET GO OF ME!!!” the pilot yelled as he struggled to get the beast off of him. He kicked him in the face, and again, and again, and again, and again until the beast fell to the ground, dead. Blood frothed at his mouth and poured onto the floor.

Plissikin looked up and saw the door was still half open. But not for long… Three beast came forward and tore it off its hinges and threw the door on the ground. Plissikin raised his pistol and fired. “Click click click click” But this time the safety was still off and he was out of bullets.

The beast started to move forward

“Stay away from me! STAY AWAY!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!” the pilot through his gun and it hit one beast in the head and just bounced off. The beast stopped. Pilisskin coverd his face and peeked out to only notice that they weren’t moving. He took a quick look outside and noticed that he was completely surrounded. But non of them moved a mussel. He heard the faintest of noises. “L-O-Y-I-D!!!!” coming from outside of the court yard from inside the castle. Than a gun shot, than some weird voice that he couldn’t really make out. “do you know what its like being eaten alive. You will never get out of this place. NEVER!” All Pilisskin knew that it wasn’t any normal voice he had ever heard.

All the sudden the beast turned around and ran to retreat to their hiding place they ran and didn’t even take a second look back. Pillisskin sat their, shivering.

He came out and almost threw up at the sight of his friend Jason. Their were gashes everywhere and teeth mark all on his back and legs. Blood had dried at his mouth. Pillisskin took a blanket and coverd what was left of Jason. He dragged him outside of the helicopter and set him down.

“oh Jason. What do I do now?”

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

You can earn up to 366 points for reviewing this work. The amount of points you earn is based on the length of the review. To ensure you receive the maximum possible points, please spend time writing your review.
User avatar
dogs
Comment

He He thats the best thing I've heard from this story. Thanks for the replies. I fixed all the spacing and what not in word but when I copied and pasted it the paper didnt show my corrections :smt089 but oh well i'll be sure to do the corrections by hand when i post the second half.


BUT ON THE RANDOM SIDE!!!!!!! :smt059 :smt063 :smt072 :smt065 :smt042 :smt043 :smt051 :smt118

User avatar
ziggiefred
Review

Hey
So this is getting interesting.
I had the following problems:

Everythings so fuzzy

I think you should add 'was' in there.

Something you should remember, when you quote, leave a space in between quotes so that it is neat. I think that it is what you are supposed to do anyways. For example,
Ray slid down and sat with his back resting on the wall and his head hanging.
“Come on think Ray think! The bridge is out and the so is the door. Theres gotta be another way!” Ray thought too himself.
“HOW MUCH SUFFERING DOES IT TAKE FOR ONE TO LOSE ITS GRACE MORTAL?” said a loud voice echoing off the walls.
“Who’s there!” Ray shot back clearly afraid. “Show your self!!!” Ray got back and started running down the hall as he left his gun. “Im not afraid of you!!!” Ray yelled his voice almost craking. He ran blindly down the hallway until he was completely out of breath and stopped right where he started, with the mutated beast dead on the ground. But there was no blood coming from his chest or head.


Should be,
Ray slid down and sat with his back resting on the wall and his head hanging.

“Come on think Ray think! The bridge is out and the so is the door. Theres gotta be another way!” Ray thought too himself.

“HOW MUCH SUFFERING DOES IT TAKE FOR ONE TO LOSE ITS GRACE MORTAL?” said a loud voice echoing off the walls.

“Who’s there!" Ray shot back clearly afraid, “Show your self!!!”

Ray got back and started running down the hall as he left his gun, “Im not afraid of you!!!”

Ray yelled his voice almost craking. He ran blindly down the hallway until he was completely out of breath and stopped right where he started, with the mutated beast dead on the ground. But there was no blood coming from his chest or head.

Something like that. Also, when someone is about to say something or has just said something, leave a coma. I put some in there for you.

Ray notices that he’s laying on marble and something red is in front of him.

Watch out for those. Try your best to avoid these. Instead of 'he's' write 'he is', because again, I think that's the proper way. 'He's' is informal and only meant for spoken language or when you are quoting.

In general I think you still have quite a number of spelling mistakes that you should watch out for. The story is looking good. It actually feels like I am playing a video game when I read it. And you also seem to have a wild imagination jugding from the happenings in this story. I like that. good.



One fish, two fish, red fish, aardvark.
— alliyah