Young Writers Society

Hey Vernon! Well, I had a quick read of the other two earlier, and compared them with the originals and I think they are very impressive indeed. JabberHut seems to have covered the grammar side of things and a few points, so I will just offer my thoughts.

Firstly, I must say I really enjoyed this part. I know that is a very limited review so I will expand.

Positive
- Your character descriptions and generally sensual imagery was spot on, I just adored the similes and comparisons you had going on here, great job on it.

- You limit your use of the passive voice for the most part, and I am drawn in as opposed to fancy language covering a weak structure - none/little/very little is shown here.

- Good character development... that's all I can say here.

Negative - Don't worry if they are longer!
- I find your repetition stressful. You tend to use some effective vocabulary, but I see the same words repeated in several close together sentences. For this, there is little to worry about, just use the thesaurus. Many people dislike that idea, thinking it will limit their prose or overpower too much. Agreed, I see that a lot but use your judgement. However, let's face it vocab choices aren't always the meaning of repetition; what about simply repeating sentence structures? The best remedy for this is speed writing. You will give yourself little time to think, and see what comes out. A lot of the time this is dribble, but will give you an idea where your weaknesses are, from here, try to rearrange the piece.

- Descriptions. Contrary to what I said earlier, I worry that you spend too much time explaining every single detail and detract from the plot. Imagery = Wonderful, but don't worry if you feel you must explain, for example, what colour the rim around magician's hat is. Think Point of View. Ask yourself--I am Sierra, now, what do I see? There would be far less descriptions in a fast-paced scene, or when she has just been attacked by a bolt of fire because she is scared.

- Realism. Although this has been framed many times, I find you must, must avoid cliché plots and phrases like the plague (!). you seem fine with the latter, but I ask you--would Eolen just happen to fall in love with Sierra there on the spot? We need doubt, but reason to help for their potential love-affair.

I hope I have helped.

I'm back! This looks pretty long again. Hopefully I'll get it finished, but my eyes my blow up on me halfway through.

Grammar and First Impressions

Sierra ran aimlessly, [s]just[/s] wanting never to see and hear Alexzander again [?]. When she finally stopped running blind, she saw she had run to the bathhouse; a room about [s]the[/s] ten times the size of an outhouse with a domed roof; an entrance with a loose purple curtain --it was supposed to be for only Jared and his closest acquaintances-- [period instead]

[New paragraph]

Maybe I need a bath, she thought. The bathhouse was quite small with an exquisite porcelain tub. The taps were made of pure silver with a ruby and a sapphire to represent the hot and cold taps. At the top of the building was a shower nozzle. The towel rail in the corner was made of polished metal with varnished marble knobs to hold the poles in. Grabbing a nice red velvet towel, she hung it over the bar.

She twisted the taps, sending a flood of water from both taps into the tub. Sighing, she wished Alexzander could just admit he’d been afraid, [no comma] and wished he’d grow up quickly. It was underhand, what she said, but it was true. Well, she had had it with him and his arrogance. She sighed, annoyed, if not a little livid. Slipping her shoes off, she sat on the wall of the bath. Pulling off one sock, she shimmied round and tested the water; steam billowing up around her. Her foot melted into the water, and she sighed, reaching over to turn off both taps.

Inching her other sock off, she moved around more so her feet lay dangling inside. If she were going to worry at all, now would be the best time. All her fears bubbled up in her mind: that no one but Jared and his clientèle were allowed to use the place; that she was a virgin; that though she was strong and acrobatic, she’d never been in any fights except with her brother and he never attacked her; that there was Jared, - [no dash] wishing to lay [s]its[/s] his fingers over her naked form.

She was proud of her father being [?] resilient to him.

Taking one last nervous look around and listening for any sounds, she heard none and relaxed. Her heart calmed slowly, easing the silent percussion on her ribs.

Nimbly, she threw her [s]forest green[/s] forest-green skirt off and smiled as she felt the breeze waft round her legs, [period instead] shivering somewhat, she stretched, a mirror showing her stork-ish body: long, skinny and elegant

All worries now left her as she admired her reflection, [dash instead] her wiry arms and legs.

Once undressed fully, she carefully laid her clothes away from the bath, taking one last look in the mirror, [period or dash instead surely others thought her beautiful. That was with tons of make-up on, [semi instead] what would they think of her if they saw her without it?

The water gently flowed over her body, her breasts almost submerged in the water. Sierra sat up, her blond hair falling over her shoulder and making a quiet, wet slapping noise. She slid [s]her self[/s] herself back into a sitting position, grabbed a bar of soap and began lathering her left leg. Once satisfied, Sierra laid it back in the water and repeated the same exercise with other leg.

Storming out the building, he let his rage engulf reason: [comma instead?] his pride back with fresh vengeance.

Walking on a bit: [comma instead] it left him, the absence of light disconcerting on his part. Never once had he liked the dark, [dash or semi instead] it was his secret fear. The one obstacle he couldn’t face alone or for long. Hurrying to anywhere with light, he thought [about the argument with Sierra], [period instead]

[New paragraph?]

maybe he had been a bit hard on her, but she said he should have been afraid and pointed out his age. What did she know? Maybe some people don't experience it. Wait, what about him being afraid right now? That's different--everyone's afraid of the dark. On the other hand, was he being a hypocrite? He needed to think; luckily, the bathhouse would be empty by now.

Making his way there, Alexzander heard [s]water being run[/s] running water inside. He was surprised by this and slightly curious, but whoever it was wouldn't like him intruding; and if it were a girl, he surely would be slapped. Hearing a familiar blissful sigh, he tried to remember where he had heard it before.

[New paragraph]

It struck him then that it had been from Sierra; he felt the need to apologize to her, so he waited outside the building until she came out. Alexzander heard someone getting out. He reckoned that by the time he was in she would have a towel on. He pushed the velvet curtain [s]open[/s] aside to see Sierra standing up to rinse her hair in the shower, completely nude. That can’t be Sierra, the beauty in those hips, the softness of her skin as the water [s]runs[/s] ran off.

Alexzander [s]then saw[/s] noticed his sister's birthmark. [colon instead] [s]A[/s] a reddish spot with three smaller ones surrounding it on her lower left hip; [period instead] here he was, fantasizing over his sister's naked form, [period instead] he had better go quickly before she saw him.

His head was telling him to leave, but his hormones were screaming stay. He had never seen Sierra this majestic, this beautiful. The suds of shampoo dripping off her body, stopping at her breast and then continuing as she washed it all off. The way [s]her[/s] she moved, cleaning all the soap off her hair. Her soaking wet hair, trickling down her shoulders- [comma instead] back and off her thighs and pubic hairs. She grabbed the cake of soap and began to lather up her thighs, and in-between her legs, moaning softly as she thoroughly cleaned her privates. The serenity of the building was so blissful and relaxing, he was no longer looking at his sister's body. Alexzander looked instead at her face, her eyes, [dash or semi instead] they showed such care and compassion. How could he have hurt such a pure soul?

A loud masculine scream broke silence. Sierra jumped [s]in shock[/s], and realized she knew that scream. Dad!

Hearing the scream, he turned tail, hoping Sierra never found out [he was there], [period instead] [s]it was[/s] They were wrong thoughts he was having. Check Dad and make sure he’s okay, then just forget what he saw.

[s]She[/s] Sierra jumped out of the bath and quickly pulled her clothes on. Not wanting to waste time drying, she hurriedly threw all her clothes on. After pulling the plug out, she rushed [s]away[/s] outside.

Antio had tried to comfort Melissa in the dinner tent by saying they'd make up, but he wasn’t even sure if they would. He felt bad about leaving her, but he knew the best thing for her would be to have a little cry to herself. Then tomorrow he would talk to [s]them both[/s] both kids. After all, he still had a few years left in him.

Antio hobbled along, taking in the circus at dark. It was an amazing [s]a[/s] place; at certain times it was so loud, then other times so quiet. In the distance, he could see the lights of Kajen-- the nearby town controlled by Jared. He owned all for miles, from Kajen to Hunstad. Antio walked on awhile- [no hyphen] longer taking in the circus at night. [comma instead] When he saw six distinct blobs moving towards him. They materialized into six men. Antio knew all of them.

The one in middle responded, “Save it old man. Jared wants to see ya. He didn’t make it clear in what state.”

“Raxilliian, you know how pleased I’d be to come and see your boss, but it is late, don’t you think?”

Quickly one of the men approached him and snatched the crutch from under him. Antio cried out, but remained standing, his legs [s]ridged and[/s] tense as he fought to stay standing.

Still he managed to keep grinning, [period instead] “Oh, Dennis, come now, [semi or dash or period instead] I need that.”

Now a little miffed, Antio added, “[s]How[/s] How's it feel to be Jared’s lackey?”

“Forget the contract, [semi or dash instead] this [s]guy[/s] guy's dead meat!” Raxelliian shouted.

All the men started drawing closer, encompassing him slowly… [s]He[/s] Antio backed away and held his hand up. “Now, look: I’ll go. I just had a drink -- we all get funny after a drink.”

Raxilliian grinned evilly. “’Bout to get funnier, old man.”

I needed to run now, [dash instead] ignore the agonizing pain in my leg, [dash instead] but they came at me like vultures. Running, the pain screaming inside my weakened and brittle joints. They followed. I knew I was surely going to die; this place was so flat no hills or any slopes for miles. I stopped and held my ground; yeah, like this [s]make[/s] made [or would make] any difference. They swarmed at me, one punching me in the gut, another kneeing me in the goolies. I groaned from both attacks but stood firm. My legs shuddered dangerously as they screamed in killer torment.

I tried fighting back, but there was just too [s]many[/s] much elbowing, [s]me[/s] kicking, punching. I felt pain all over my body. I wanted release. I wanted all the pain too go. They wouldn’t halt, semi instead] they were no longer men. they were monsters, the blood lust clear in their eyes. [s]Then[/s] one punched my nose particular hard. I heard a snap and cried out in pain. Why couldn’t they halt… stop this ever-growing pain? Why couldn’t they understand I had been slightly drunk? My assaulters continued their faces not filled with remorse or anger. It was glee and excitement. They were enjoying my pain. These men were beasts beating me senseless, how did grown men succumb to this madness?

I could take no more; my legs felt like lead, the bones scrapped raw. I fell and landed on the ground. Anyone decent would [s]of[/s] have left me then. No, these beast may [s]of[/s] have once been men, but they had lost their sense of dignity. They moved in, blood lust burning in their eyes. They started to punch and kick me. With each attack, I screamed. They sent no end of attacks on me, making my whole body scream out in anguish. I felt wetness all over my body. How was I still alive when I was bleeding so much?

Raxilliian lifted me up by my collar and another of the people gave me an uppercut when he let go. I went flying and landed with a thump. Looking up, totally knocked senseless, I saw six spotty blobs. One [s]blob[/s] of them hit me. Even in my [s]semi unconscious[/s] semi-unconscious state, they [s]still[/s] drove on with the attacks. My head was now bleeding and probably my whole body too. I saw a glint of metal from a blob coming towards my chest. Then I felt no more, excruciating pain. My last thought was, what drives a man to become a beast once more?

Alexzander ran out of the bathhouse fast. That can’t have been his sister in there -- it couldn’t have, he begun to say.

Well, maybe another performer has one like it!, [no comma] he explained.

No, even if the birthmark didn’t prove it, you know what? [s]she[/s] She looks like a dummy, his conscience speculated.

It’s impossible to fall in love with your sister… Alexzander insisted.

His conscience laughed and replied, [s]who[/s] Who said it was love? [s]it’s[/s] It's more lust, I would say. The conscience continued, I saw when she cleaned her privates; you were wishing you [s]be[/s] were with her.

Alexzander argued, [s]But[/s] but she sounded hot; even someone who wasn’t her brother would find that so beautiful.

The Conscience giggled. You’re sick, you know, [question mark instead] it’s not normal, loving your sister.

The conscience interrupted, No buts! You could [s]of[/s] have left after seeing she was still inside, but no, you had to watch.

Alexzander closed his mind off. [comma instead] and Ran in the general direction where he remembered the scream. He then heard a more feminine scream nearby, right in the main tent. Without knowing [s]that he was[/s], he screamed, “Mum!” He sped up, heading straight for the big top. What was going on tonight?! [no exclamation point

Sierra had run straight to the scream, having good hearing; she was just in time to see her [s]Dad[/s] dad beaten down to the ground. She crept quickly behind the nearby Caravan and watched as the men beat her [s]Dad[/s] dad to death. They showed no mercy but kept punching and kicking, [semi or dash instead] she was so hoping they get bored. However, they never did, even with her dad screaming, they continued. The tallest one picked him up and let the other guy [s]upper cut[/s] uppercut. blood spattered all over the ground from [s]his[/s] Antio's wounds. Then in a flash, the main person pulled out a blade and stabbed him right in the chest. She screamed “No!” and burst into tears. All six of them turned [s]round[/s] around, and [s]then[/s] she saw the damage they had done to him. He was barely [s]even[/s] recognizable now. She bent over and vomited. When she looked up, she saw the main guy

“You’re lucky, girly, that we need to take you to our boss, otherwise I’d let my men have their way with ya.”

One walked up. “You do know not like the boss will know? Why don’t we make her ready for Jared, so to speak!” He then grinned, [period instead] “We’d be doing her a favour. she so wet, nothing much left to imagination.”

Sierra glared in disgust. There was a flash of silver, and the man who had spoken was on the ground, blood dripping from his neck.

Raxilliian cleaned the knife with thumb and forefinger. “Anyone else want to argue, or the rest of ya arses smart enough to listen?” He kicked the [s]man[/s] body hard.

Now, if anyone tries anything with her, you’ll end up like poor Franco, got it!?”

All the men were quiet immediately. Raxilliian carried on speaking, “Orders are orders. The Contract clearly says that the whole family is to be killed. I know Jared is dealing with Melissa, but we've yet to find Alex, and Jared told us this girl is to remain untouched and brought to his mansion. [comma instead]” He grinned, “[s]Where[/s] where servants can get her into something more comfortable.”

Another man moved out, [period instead] "Hold on! if all of them are to die, then why does she li..arrgh [s]gurgle[/s]."

[New paragraph {for suspense}]

Raxilliian moved down to the body and pulled the knife out the neck, [period instead] "That's it! if anyone fucking questions me again, I won't kill ya so fast."

"Now find that boy, [semi instead] he can't be far, [period instead] I want to receive all my money for this job, so first one to find him gets half of my bonus."

The men spread out and left, [period instead] all that remained was Raxilliian, her guard and another two as well as both bodies.

Raxilliian walked over to Sierra. “Though, baby, if ya don’t like being with him, [ya can] always come to my place, [period instead] I’m much younger, if ya catch my drift?” Raxilliian winked at Sierra slyly.

Sierra looked up and reached her hand to slap him. A man quickly grabbed both her hands; [s]so[/s] she spat on his face.

Snarling viciously, he struck her hard with his semi-closed hand. “You fucking whore, I could've [s]of[/s] spared you of much worse. Well, too late now.”

Laughing while sneering, he continued, “Hope you enjoy tonight, my little slut.”

She struggled hopelessly against the man's strength.

She stopped struggling and looked at the guy smiling. His hair was crimson, reaching down to his shoulders with a hint of black. His eyes were like miniature emeralds. He had some stubble on his chin. He was large and muscular with compassion none of the others had in their eyes.

“You seem different... I don't recognize you from mob who murdered my father”

He relaxed his grip. [s]slightly loosening[/s] “I was away during then, [semi or period instead] I'm sorry for your loss.”

She smiled at his thoughtfulness, thinking [s]that[/s] this was first time since this all had began that someone has cared for her, [period instead] "Why did you take this job?"

He [s]looks[/s] looked around nervously, his eyes darting back and forth, sweat appearing on his brow and forehead. After a while, he calmed, [period instead] "My family is in debt, [semi or period instead] I don't personally find it appealing, but I need the money."

Sierra gazed sadly around, seeing the [s]brightly coloured[/s] brightly-coloured [s]Canvas[/s] canvas of the big top; the [s]saccharine hued[/s] saccharine-hued trailers, the reason was supposed to be as this place represented happiness, but the colours seemed to mock her.

The man looked down at her, [period instead] "I've seen you perform, [semi or dash or period instead] you've always smiled beautifully."

She sighed and carried on to stare around, replying in [s]a[/s] barely a whisper, "I only smile because I have to."

He swung her around and looked at her, confused, [period instead] "[s]but[/s] But... you're amazing, [exclamation point or semi or period] everyone loves you... [s]why[/s] Why do you have to fake a smile! [question mark]"

Again, she sighed, looking down, [period instead] "Dreams can be made and crushed here, [period or semi instead] if you succeed, you're always forced to try harder, [period instead] my father was injured during his heyday. he was replaced by Alexzander and [s]I[/s] me."

That didn't make sense, [no comma] since the theme of the circus was happiness, but here she was, a girl who lived all her life there, and she wasn't exactly happy, [period instead] he knew, of course, where she'd end up, but was this girl worth risking such an important mission. [question mark instead]

He saw fear in her eyes, [semi instead] this was a girl who risked all (flying through the air, [no comma] with no net below [dash instead] just sand) just for a few people, and now she was positively terrified, staring at her feet and shivering.

"I can't hide it any longer, Miss, [period instead] I know what's going to happen to you."

She immediately looked at him with a silent plea, [period instead] "Tell me..."

He looked away, guilty, [period instead] "I shouldn't, [dash or semi or period instead] Raxilliian will kill me."

Her look intensified until he had to look away; she was so beautiful. no one like her deserved what was in store for her. What difference, though, knowing would do, [period instead] it's not as if she would feel better, [dash instead] truth be told, she'd feel worse. Something, though, kept insisting he tell her, if only to make unknown, [no comma] known.

"The man you know as the [or capitalize boss] boss is going to be your husband from now on, [semi or period instead] refusal isn't an option, for Jared only thinks of women as objects."

Sierra was shocked and beat his chest with her fist, [period instead] "No, no, no... [s]you[/s] You got to help me 'PLEASE'!"

"Miss, you barely know me, yet you're so desperate for help. you want mines... I'm Eolen, and I'm sorry, but I can't do a thing, so quit hitting my chest before I have you gagged and tied up."

Sierra stopped and [s]suddenly[/s] lent on his shoulder, [s]and cried[/s] crying quietly at first but rising in volume, [period instead] Eolen was so confused and rubbed her back, mainly to calm her down. She carried on harder, sniffling, "No one else has been as kind to me as you have, I...I...I...I...I..."

Eolen looked around nervously, checking Raxilliian was still talking, [period instead] "Please, Miss, stop crying, [period instead] I can't do anything, I'm sorry..."

She lifted her head from his shoulder and closed her eyes, [period instead] "I love you..."

[s]Eolen[/s] Eolen's heart [s]speed[/s] sped up, [period instead] before he knew what he doing, his eyes were closed and there lips met, [period instead] she kissed him back, feeling a little less nervous, her arms soon snaking [s]round[/s] around his back. It turned intense and passionate, but after a while, Eolen pulled away, his eyes now [s]blood-shot[/s] bloodshot, sweat profusely falling from his forehead. He looked around in terror. "I can't, I shouldn't..."

Sierra turned away from him, [period instead] "I'm sorry, I didn't mean... [s]maybe[/s] Maybe you better forget I said anything."

He surprised himself and embraced her. She looked up. I can't let anything happen to her, he [s]decides[/s] decided. He kissed her again, surprising Sierra, [period instead] "I love you too, and I'll work out something."

Eolen walked over to [s]him[/s] Raxilliian, clearing his throat, [period instead] Raxilliian looked up, raising his eyebrow and looking behind Eolen then finally facing him, [period instead] "What?!"

"I've a request to make, Raxilliian."

Raxilliian grunted, obviously annoyed, [period instead] "Fine!"

Eolen nervously tried to form words; whatever he said, he must make it seem like nothing, like he had ulterior motives, [period instead] "I request to carry on my job and guard her for Jared in his house..."

The silence was horrible. Had he been caught with her anytime? Raxilliian looked at him for a while, his cold hard eyes drilling into his mind, [period instead] "It's not up to me!" He added more calmly, "But you've earned it."

[s]He[/s] Eolen nodded and walked off back to Sierra, [period instead] he'd need to persuade Jared now. She was still waiting, looking at him with hope in her eyes, [period instead] "Yes, Sierra, I got something, [period instead] I'm going to ask Jared if I can be your guard."

She smiled weakly, then just held him, [period instead] "It'll have to do, I guess."

Eolen quickly pecked her on the cheek, [no comma] then grabbed her arms and told her to struggle again.

Raxilliian stopped talking and stared into the night. “Bloody hell, we've waited long enough-- [period instead] lets go, men."

Hey, sorry for the long wait. Let's jump straight in, shall we?

From what I can see, this hasn't really changed that much from the last chapter I've critiqued. I still have a few problems which, I'm sure once amended, will make this a great, action-packed read. Bearing in mind that these are just my opinions of course.

1. You're still over-describing, from what I can see- The beginning paragraph just isn't gripping enough to sustain interest for very long. It's just too 'wordy' for my liking. This also stuck out like a sore-thumb to me and made me cringe:

Grabbing a nice red velvet towel she hung it over the bar.

wishing to lay his fingers over her naked form.

She was proud of her father resilience to him

surely others thought her beautiful.

"You're lucky, girly' he snarled 'that we need to take you to our boss- otherwise, I'd let my men have their way with ya"